All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
