I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
