Texts From Last Night · lindsey11213's Favorites

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lindsey11213's Favorites Texts:

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(310): View more from California

I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.

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(509): View more from Washington

Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters

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(757): View more from Virginia

you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!

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(970): View more from Colorado

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): View more from Colorado

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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(830): View more from Texas

I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.

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(519): View more from Ontario

If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes

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(609): View more from New Jersey

LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.

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(519): View more from Ontario

When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'

(301): View more from Maryland

Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..

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(314): View more from Missouri

I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.

(1-404): View more from Georgia

Two?

(404): View more from Georgia

Two.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played

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(630): View more from Illinois

after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked

(708): View more from Illinois

so?

(630): View more from Illinois

then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.

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(386): View more from Florida

And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls

(763): View more from Minnesota

is that a poem?!

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks

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(615): View more from Tennessee

In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted

(1-615): View more from Tennessee

it is a toga and you are a goddess.

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(585): View more from New York

He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door

(865): View more from Tennessee

and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice

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(515): View more from Iowa

I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"

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(214): View more from Texas

LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.

(972): View more from Texas

I worry about you sometimes...

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(636): View more from Missouri

He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.

(314): View more from Missouri

That was the greatest thing i have ever read.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!

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(504): View more from Louisiana

ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.

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(812): View more from Indiana

How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?

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(816): View more from Missouri

So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeeah thank god

(816): View more from Missouri

Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.

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(416): View more from Ontario

Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up

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(312): View more from Illinois

sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.

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(903): View more from Texas

He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.

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(708): View more from Illinois

sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed

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(623): View more from Arizona

My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Are you pooping in the stall next to me?

(404): View more from Georgia

Maybe....

(540): View more from Virginia

Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police

(616): View more from Michigan

What?!?

(810): View more from Michigan

What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police

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(908): View more from New Jersey

He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"

(973): View more from New Jersey

What's this douchebags name?

(908): View more from New Jersey

Rob...

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT

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(425): View more from Washington

Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.

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(314): View more from Missouri

In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"

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(859): View more from Kentucky

MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.

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(818): View more from California

to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people

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(914): View more from New York

Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.

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(480): View more from Arizona

So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.

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(912): View more from Georgia

i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar

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(816): View more from Missouri

dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.

(816): View more from Missouri

that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.

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(330): View more from Ohio

just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick

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(708): View more from Illinois

He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.

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(619): View more from California

you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog

(716): View more from New York

do you not see the irony in that??

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(407): View more from Florida

It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.

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(937): View more from Ohio

There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors

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(678): View more from Georgia

All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?

(404): View more from Georgia

You mean bread?

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(303): View more from Colorado

Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England

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(843): View more from South Carolina

He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Why are my keys in the refrigerator?

(1-205): View more from Alabama

You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.

(205): View more from Alabama

This explains so much.

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(303): View more from Colorado

you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.

(303): View more from Colorado

and I must say, you were very persuasive

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(917): View more from New York City

you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.

(720): View more from Colorado

ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...

(917): View more from New York City

no it doesn't.

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(314): View more from Missouri

doooooooo herrrrrrrrr

(504): View more from Louisiana

I'm out of practice. be my yoda

(314): View more from Missouri

put your penis in her you must.

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(260): View more from Indiana

dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?

(1-260): View more from Indiana

what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing

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(440): View more from Ohio

You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music

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(970): View more from Colorado

Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Walk of Shame time yet?

(1+44): View more from

Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?

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(812): View more from Indiana

The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?

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(347): View more from New York

I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.

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(636): View more from Missouri

A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

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(801): View more from Utah

Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you

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(503): View more from Oregon

we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.

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(817): View more from Texas

Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?

(1-817): View more from Texas

You weighed it?

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(703): View more from Virginia

How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist

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(314): View more from Missouri

hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?

(636): View more from Missouri

Yup.

(314): View more from Missouri

Yup.

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(406): View more from Montana

my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute

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(315): View more from New York

Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love

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(908): View more from New Jersey

While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.

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(425): View more from Washington

Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.

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(631): View more from New York

sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood

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(206): View more from Washington

I thought spray tan was a myth

(1-206): View more from Washington

?

(206): View more from Washington

You know, something that only happens in Jersey

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(407): View more from Florida

He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.

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(305): View more from Florida

Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.

(786): View more from Florida

How high are you right now..

(305): View more from Florida

I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.

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(702): View more from Nevada

So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"

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(815): View more from Illinois

I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.

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(903): View more from Texas

He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.

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(719): View more from Colorado

I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.

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(254): View more from Texas

Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."

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(417): View more from Missouri

When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.

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(909): View more from California

i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

My vibrator challenges you to a duel.

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(847): View more from Illinois

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?

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(410): View more from Maryland

We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever

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(707): View more from California

He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.

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(289): View more from Ontario

Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".

(416): View more from Toronto

That's about an "8" on normal scales.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.

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(425): View more from Washington

She's clinging to me like a horny koala.

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(562): View more from California

I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.

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(410): View more from Maryland

You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?

(1-920): View more from Wisconsin

no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?

(920): View more from Wisconsin

he wasn't. neither were you.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.

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(858): View more from California

for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers

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(678): View more from Georgia

Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

we already have meals planned for the weekend.

(1-864): View more from South Carolina

SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.

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(540): View more from Virginia

She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.

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(917): View more from New York City

u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!

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(970): View more from Colorado

I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".

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(815): View more from Illinois

my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves

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(917): View more from New York City

You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged

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(702): View more from Nevada

Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.

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(219): View more from Indiana

U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"

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(516): View more from New York

he has the hands of the vagina gods.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.

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(207): View more from Maine

how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?

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(360): View more from Washington

You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?

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(336): View more from North Carolina

okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.

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(954): View more from Florida

so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop

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(248): View more from Michigan

I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..

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(586): View more from Michigan

You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double

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(503): View more from Oregon

I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.

(1-503): View more from Oregon

My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.

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(707): View more from California

Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

bitch

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(678): View more from Georgia

so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.

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(818): View more from California

Finally jerked of with a banana peel.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.

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(614): View more from Ohio

yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

and what did he say?

(614): View more from Ohio

there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Hannah Montana > iCarly

(309): View more from Illinois

I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely

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(604): View more from British Columbia

a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?

(604): View more from British Columbia

unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.

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(972): View more from Texas

I'm scared

(337): View more from Louisiana

There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.

(972): View more from Texas

That's what I'm afraid of

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(914): View more from New York

i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"

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(917): View more from New York City

i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!

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(810): View more from Michigan

I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"

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(707): View more from California

She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"

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(641): View more from Iowa

is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?

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(239): View more from Florida

In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.

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(703): View more from Virginia

At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans

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(908): View more from New Jersey

You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.

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(740): View more from Ohio

You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong

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(707): View more from California

I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister

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(845): View more from New York

i can't find my house

(1-845): View more from New York

we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.

(845): View more from New York

i'm pretty sure my house moved.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.

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(760): View more from California

Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.

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(281): View more from Texas

I just know... :) goodntight

(1-281): View more from Texas

Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.

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(631): View more from New York

He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on

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(302): View more from Delaware

he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"

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(315): View more from New York

My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?

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(971): View more from Oregon

I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?

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(519): View more from Ontario

I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.

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(916): View more from California

The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard

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(540): View more from Virginia

i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.

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(925): View more from California

She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.

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(509): View more from Washington

I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?

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(416): View more from Ontario

dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross

(647): View more from Ontario

well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun

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(520): View more from Arizona

Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."

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(586): View more from Michigan

All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon

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(601): View more from Mississippi

woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time

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(303): View more from Colorado

Say it nicely.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?

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(651): View more from Minnesota

well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face

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(516): View more from New York

Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.

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(703): View more from Virginia

i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps

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(407): View more from Florida

and now there are teeth marks on my dick.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.

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(917): View more from New York City

I just found a bag of teeth...

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(516): View more from New York

what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?

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(443): View more from Maryland

Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.

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(214): View more from Texas

so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat

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(360): View more from Washington

Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.

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(409): View more from Texas

Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.

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(518): View more from New York

I can feel the alcohol in my calves

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.

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(231): View more from Michigan

I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.

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(989): View more from Michigan

I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick

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(936): View more from Texas

he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.

(812): View more from Indiana

and...?

(936): View more from Texas

I told him it was alright.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep

(860): View more from Connecticut

yeah i got into a fight with my man last night

(860): View more from Connecticut

why can't men just shut up and put out?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did

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(443): View more from Maryland

THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name

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(901): View more from Tennessee

There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.

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(903): View more from Texas

How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!

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(303): View more from Colorado

No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question

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(231): View more from Michigan

His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.

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(630): View more from Illinois

there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?

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(419): View more from Ohio

It was like getting head from an anaconda

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(515): View more from Iowa

Even my vagina gasped.

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(818): View more from California

Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.

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(734): View more from Michigan

i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.

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(703): View more from Virginia

the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.

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(760): View more from California

If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone

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(510): View more from California

no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.

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(333): View more from

im calling her cock vulture from now on

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(309): View more from Illinois

I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.

(309): View more from Illinois

"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.

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(951): View more from California

It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares

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(630): View more from Illinois

He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.

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(217): View more from Illinois

it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.

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(301): View more from Maryland

just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.

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(703): View more from Virginia

got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon

(703): View more from Virginia

she was in a cheetah costume

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(260): View more from Indiana

just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.

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(641): View more from Iowa

TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY

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(778): View more from British Columbia

you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that

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(360): View more from Washington

Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.

(571): View more from Virginia

define virginity.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.

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(850): View more from Florida

And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.

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(817): View more from Texas

He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...

(1-817): View more from Texas

Actually, she's fat now, so...

(817): View more from Texas

Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.

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(404): View more from Georgia

You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."

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(518): View more from New York

plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.

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(+65): View more from

No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.

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(970): View more from Colorado

No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...

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(+61): View more from Australia

Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.

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(516): View more from New York

That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.

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(703): View more from Virginia

She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis

(1-703): View more from Virginia

Every man deserves at least one moment like that

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(714): View more from California

I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born

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(281): View more from Texas

How do you jack off and text at the same time?

(1-281): View more from Texas

On my iPhone they have an app for that

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(520): View more from Arizona

But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I want to kish your cheek

(248): View more from Michigan

My cheeks are in Michigan

(301): View more from Maryland

Oh my lips are kind of stretchy

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(786): View more from Florida

HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"

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(775): View more from Nevada

I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people

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(847): View more from Illinois

Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night

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(218): View more from Minnesota

all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.

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(716): View more from New York

Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days

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(541): View more from Oregon

Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.

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(314): View more from Missouri

rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover

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(720): View more from Colorado

I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.

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(716): View more from New York

i think that dennys waitress has my boxers

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(858): View more from California

Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch

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(518): View more from New York

and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.

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(253): View more from Washington

I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.

(281): View more from Texas

No. Just liquor. Time's no good.

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(314): View more from Missouri

It'll be just me and my penis against the world.

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(915): View more from Texas

Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?

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(907): View more from Alaska

She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.

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(712): View more from Iowa

He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.

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(519): View more from Ontario

It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.

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(440): View more from Ohio

The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...

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(347): View more from New York

in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

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(941): View more from Florida

CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.

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(757): View more from Virginia

then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!

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(613): View more from Ontario

I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked

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(408): View more from California

he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.

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(360): View more from Washington

Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.

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(510): View more from California

I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.

(1-510): View more from California

It was probably Jesus.

(510): View more from California

I feel like he would have left a message.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.

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(503): View more from Oregon

it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.

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(760): View more from California

...so i touched it.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.

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(425): View more from Washington

Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks

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(309): View more from Illinois

I learned to sign I want to be on you today

(1-309): View more from Illinois

Score

(309): View more from Illinois

Deaf chicks here I come

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(828): View more from North Carolina

..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.

(1-828): View more from North Carolina

nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz

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(203): View more from Connecticut

The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.

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(928): View more from Arizona

note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.

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(909): View more from California

I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

happy early fathers day!!!

(829): View more from Dominican Rep

im not a father

(843): View more from South Carolina

about that...

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(705): View more from Ontario

All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.

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(314): View more from Missouri

BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE

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(646): View more from New York

He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.

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(718): View more from New York

you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"

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(816): View more from Missouri

He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.

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(516): View more from New York

There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.

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(210): View more from Texas

OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.

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(310): View more from California

If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is

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(201): View more from New Jersey

dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?

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(518): View more from New York

Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis

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(704): View more from North Carolina

see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it

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(502): View more from Kentucky

he fucked me so hard my future children felt it

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

and?

(609): View more from New Jersey

RIP clitoris

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(303): View more from Colorado

Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever

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(850): View more from Florida

Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

(850): View more from Florida

I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

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(214): View more from Texas

I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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(909): View more from California

I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

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(214): View more from Texas

Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

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(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands

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(410): View more from Maryland

can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

(443): View more from Maryland

wasted?

(410): View more from Maryland

im pocohantasssss

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