Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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