He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe isn't a time...
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
I have to watch that.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.