I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
