sweet_sickness's Favorites Texts:

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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell

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  (201): Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell http://tfl.nu/payj
  Replies (5) Good night (2271) Bad night (206) Order T-Shirt
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  (424): View more from California

  The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "

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  (424): The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here " http://tfl.nu/afkn
  Replies (8) Good night (2823) Bad night (267)
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me

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  (970): Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me http://tfl.nu/8oqe
  Replies (3) Good night (1354) Bad night (187)
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  Lets go hit some boners bro!

  (1-989): View more from Michigan

  I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.

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  (989): Lets go hit some boners bro! (1-989): I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk. http://tfl.nu/w0yr
  Replies (7) Good night (2254) Bad night (281) Order T-Shirt
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.

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  (706): Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed. http://tfl.nu/1l89
  Replies (5) Good night (974) Bad night (203) Order T-Shirt
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink

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  (313): You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink http://tfl.nu/6677
  Replies (7) Good night (1555) Bad night (232)
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  (+39): View more from

  scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer

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  (+39): scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer http://tfl.nu/n0yh
  Replies (3) Good night (762) Bad night (201) Order T-Shirt
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  You left wolverine marks

  (1-910): View more from North Carolina

  I'm somewhere between sorry and proud

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  (910): You left wolverine marks (1-910): I'm somewhere between sorry and proud http://tfl.nu/d8w1
  Replies (2) Good night (1304) Bad night (249) Order T-Shirt
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!

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  (262): I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait! http://tfl.nu/9r4q
  Replies (10) Good night (2207) Bad night (340) Order T-Shirt
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.

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  (605): The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet. http://tfl.nu/kmib
  Replies (12) Good night (3028) Bad night (271)
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian

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  (901): He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian http://tfl.nu/6if3
  Replies (2) Good night (1716) Bad night (237) Order T-Shirt
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.

  (502): View more from Kentucky

  And if not?

  (937): View more from Ohio

  ...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?

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  (937): No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship. (502): And if not? (937): ...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you? http://tfl.nu/fwg8
  Replies (4) Good night (1677) Bad night (329)
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  (916): View more from California

  Yep. How's your hangover?

  (1-916): View more from California

  It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.

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  (916): Yep. How's your hangover? (1-916): It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me. http://tfl.nu/bn8s
  Replies (8) Good night (1438) Bad night (457) Order T-Shirt
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  Boobs speak an international language.

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  (505): Boobs speak an international language. http://tfl.nu/m73t
  Replies (7) Good night (1280) Bad night (345) Order T-Shirt
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  (229): View more from Georgia

  I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.

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  (229): I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday. http://tfl.nu/rrz0
  Replies (3) Good night (1536) Bad night (379) Order T-Shirt
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  (619): View more from California

  For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.

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  (619): For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this. http://tfl.nu/nvhn
  Replies (14) Good night (1742) Bad night (405)
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.

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  (414): Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking. http://tfl.nu/i6qu
  Replies (16) Good night (1602) Bad night (422) Order T-Shirt
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY

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  (732): FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY http://tfl.nu/r4u9
  Replies (14) Good night (1959) Bad night (584) Order T-Shirt
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  (206): View more from Washington

  He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.

  (415): View more from California

  Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.

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  (206): He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit. (415): Use your nursing skills for good, not evil. http://tfl.nu/0k9b
  Replies (10) Good night (3458) Bad night (412)
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?

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  (702): I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love? http://tfl.nu/7zb0
  Replies (19) Good night (4105) Bad night (466)
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  (909): View more from California

  I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.

  (1-909): View more from California

  Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.

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  (909): I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets. (1-909): Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon. http://tfl.nu/867u
  Replies (4) Good night (2158) Bad night (394) Order T-Shirt
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out

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  (970): I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out http://tfl.nu/cs49
  Replies (7) Good night (1263) Bad night (323) Order T-Shirt
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  (619): View more from California

  No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.

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  (619): No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch. http://tfl.nu/4axa
  Replies (6) Good night (2987) Bad night (449)
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis

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  (970): Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis http://tfl.nu/gujt
  Replies (13) Good night (3485) Bad night (480) Order T-Shirt
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  (831): View more from California

  She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"

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  (831): She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock" http://tfl.nu/hp1z
  Replies (26) Good night (4654) Bad night (475) Order T-Shirt
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.

  (303): View more from Colorado

  Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.

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  (+44): Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world. (303): Welcome to America. You're gonna love it. http://tfl.nu/yt2w
  Replies (13) Good night (2754) Bad night (361)
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  (619): View more from California

  The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.

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  (619): The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer. http://tfl.nu/kgnu
  Replies (23) Good night (1801) Bad night (493) Order T-Shirt
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again

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  (815): Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again http://tfl.nu/470y
  Replies (203) Good night (44796) Bad night (3935) Order T-Shirt
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.

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  (918): He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his. http://tfl.nu/1fae
  Replies (32) Good night (2929) Bad night (680)
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.

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  (405): Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped. http://tfl.nu/kn7w
  Replies (5) Good night (1213) Bad night (449)
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor

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  (303): Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor http://tfl.nu/xy0n
  Replies (4) Good night (1921) Bad night (427) Order T-Shirt
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.

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  (701): Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days. http://tfl.nu/swcj
  Replies (2) Good night (1475) Bad night (395) Order T-Shirt
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem

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  (832): Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem http://tfl.nu/ll71
  Replies (6) Good night (3054) Bad night (509) Order T-Shirt
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"

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  (+44): The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work" http://tfl.nu/byzn
  Replies (8) Good night (1520) Bad night (540) Order T-Shirt
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  (406): View more from Montana

  She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial

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  (406): She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial http://tfl.nu/8xau
  Replies (10) Good night (3305) Bad night (402) Order T-Shirt
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.

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  (978): I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk. http://tfl.nu/so98
  Replies (13) Good night (1580) Bad night (394)
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB

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  (+44): you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB http://tfl.nu/timz
  Replies (4) Good night (1784) Bad night (661) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.

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  (847): I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet. http://tfl.nu/ancz
  Replies (10) Good night (3836) Bad night (531) Order T-Shirt
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'

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  (678): You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow' http://tfl.nu/uw7w
  Replies (12) Good night (3024) Bad night (565)
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.

  (336): View more from North Carolina

  Did it work?

  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.

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  (918): I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over. (336): Did it work? (918): Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door. http://tfl.nu/swzf
  Replies (8) Good night (2875) Bad night (415)
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  He's only going to be gone for two weeks

  (1-314): View more from Missouri

  That's two months in gay whore years.

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  (314): He's only going to be gone for two weeks (1-314): That's two months in gay whore years. http://tfl.nu/9nuw
  Replies (3) Good night (1107) Bad night (456) Order T-Shirt
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...

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  (336): Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text... http://tfl.nu/pmgt
  Replies (5) Good night (1781) Bad night (358) Order T-Shirt
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  (365): View more from

  As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.

  (1-365): View more from

  I was judging you.

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  (365): As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over. (1-365): I was judging you. http://tfl.nu/3tin
  Replies (3) Good night (3016) Bad night (398) Order T-Shirt
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  (850): View more from Florida

  The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.

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  (850): The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc. http://tfl.nu/3vm7
  Replies (3) Good night (1710) Bad night (312) Order T-Shirt
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."

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  (480): In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.." http://tfl.nu/m3fa
  Replies (6) Good night (2709) Bad night (473) Order T-Shirt
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.

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  (815): Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time. http://tfl.nu/q2s4
  Replies (27) Good night (3825) Bad night (562) Order T-Shirt
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.

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  (417): It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday. http://tfl.nu/s40o
  Replies (15) Good night (2262) Bad night (455)
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.

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  (702): Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom. http://tfl.nu/ihoh
  Replies (25) Good night (3053) Bad night (444) Order T-Shirt
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.

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  (717): I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild. http://tfl.nu/q7pb
  Replies (4) Good night (1414) Bad night (400) Order T-Shirt
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?

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  (248): Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date? http://tfl.nu/49q5
  Replies (13) Good night (2368) Bad night (668)
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  (714): View more from California

  Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.

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  (714): Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends. http://tfl.nu/ft9d
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon

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  (623): He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon http://tfl.nu/msr7
  Replies (5) Good night (1429) Bad night (481) Order T-Shirt
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS

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  (859): well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS http://tfl.nu/hivl
  Replies (4) Good night (1158) Bad night (399) Order T-Shirt
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.

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  (651): Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult. http://tfl.nu/x3id
  Replies (1) Good night (1489) Bad night (545) Order T-Shirt
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.

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  (+44): We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate. http://tfl.nu/gets
  Replies (8) Good night (1763) Bad night (435) Order T-Shirt
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  (954): View more from Florida

  You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say

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  (954): You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say http://tfl.nu/ixst
  Replies (6) Good night (2037) Bad night (384) Order T-Shirt
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  (305): View more from Florida

  She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"

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  (305): She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered" http://tfl.nu/7vwf
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.

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  (850): Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer. http://tfl.nu/iky6
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just can't deal with that sentence

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  (724): We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion (412): I just can't deal with that sentence http://tfl.nu/b4b0
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.

  (250): View more from British Columbia

  I hear you

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  (613): I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting. (250): I hear you http://tfl.nu/kr1l
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage

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  (781): i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage http://tfl.nu/ka66
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood

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  (931): his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood http://tfl.nu/n403
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I love you more with every blowjob.

  (1-202): View more from Washington, DC

  You should write for Hallmark.

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  (202): I love you more with every blowjob. (1-202): You should write for Hallmark. http://tfl.nu/2s1x
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  (432): View more from Texas

  she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.

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  (432): she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback. http://tfl.nu/m8zb
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  (619): View more from California

  Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.

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  (619): Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public. http://tfl.nu/k68k
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."

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  (859): I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital." http://tfl.nu/3xux
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  (438): View more from Quebec

  gladiator or hannah montana?

  (514): View more from Quebec

  This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.

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  (438): gladiator or hannah montana? (514): This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone. http://tfl.nu/qyay
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.

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  (608): You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal. http://tfl.nu/so63
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  (561): View more from Florida

  We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?

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  (561): We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us? http://tfl.nu/dqdu
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  (310): View more from California

  She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.

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  (310): She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked. http://tfl.nu/yes9
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.

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  (231): Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger. http://tfl.nu/yx75
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"

  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"

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  (774): If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?" (774): It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?" http://tfl.nu/cbil
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  (917): View more from New York City

  when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.

  (917): View more from New York City

  Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.

  (347): View more from New York

  he is a god among men.

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  (917): when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment. (917): Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles. (347): he is a god among men. http://tfl.nu/gmep
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.

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  (314): You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you. http://tfl.nu/pksa
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  Glow parties are what I live for

  (1-204): View more from Manitoba

  Your priorities in life astound me

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  (204): Glow parties are what I live for (1-204): Your priorities in life astound me http://tfl.nu/wtnz
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  (253): View more from Washington

  i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down

  (253): View more from Washington

  ppsyche im wasted where are you

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  (253): i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down (253): ppsyche im wasted where are you http://tfl.nu/a8tg
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.

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  (337): You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left. http://tfl.nu/h7ai
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.

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  (847): The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome. http://tfl.nu/h8r4
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house

  (713): View more from Texas

  So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?

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  (832): The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house (713): So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh? http://tfl.nu/xori
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit

  (216): View more from Ohio

  There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.

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  (216): I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit (216): There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash. http://tfl.nu/emo5
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  (408): View more from California

  She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety

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  (408): She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety http://tfl.nu/edsh
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.

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  (317): Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina. http://tfl.nu/djvg
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  (+31): View more from The Netherlands

  I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.

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  (+31): I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates. http://tfl.nu/urqj
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.

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  (267): Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her. http://tfl.nu/ywpc
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  What are you doing and how can I add sex in there

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  (708): What are you doing and how can I add sex in there http://tfl.nu/rphe
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  You slow clapped the stripper last night.

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  (215): You slow clapped the stripper last night. http://tfl.nu/fdwr
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.

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  (770): Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay. http://tfl.nu/tpqf
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore

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  (775): She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore http://tfl.nu/r45j
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms

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  (248): Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms http://tfl.nu/jxub
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."

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  (519): I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it." http://tfl.nu/vqit
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?

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  (843): I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out? http://tfl.nu/h2y5
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?

  (410): View more from Maryland

  you are way too vulgar to be a girl

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  (717): Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION? (410): you are way too vulgar to be a girl http://tfl.nu/3shx
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I'm wearing red that night.

  (301): View more from Maryland

  Noted, what shade?

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Whore.

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  (202): I'm wearing red that night. (301): Noted, what shade? (202): Whore. http://tfl.nu/7182
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"

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  (513): he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you" http://tfl.nu/exld
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.

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  (708): Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life. http://tfl.nu/mhw6
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  (253): View more from Washington

  If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.

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  (253): If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life. http://tfl.nu/jc0t
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  (914): View more from New York

  He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF

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  (914): He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF http://tfl.nu/rz1g
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  (207): View more from Maine

  Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?

  (1-207): View more from Maine

  I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.

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  (207): Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I? (1-207): I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me. http://tfl.nu/4usu
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic

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  (701): I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic http://tfl.nu/cgi2
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.

  (662): View more from Mississippi

  Challenge accepted. See you in hell.

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  (662): Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month. (662): Challenge accepted. See you in hell. http://tfl.nu/tj98
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.

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  (706): I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery. http://tfl.nu/adx0
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  (619): View more from California

  You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.

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  (619): You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos. http://tfl.nu/prke
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  (949): View more from California

  So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?

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  (949): So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam? http://tfl.nu/9cgv
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  (941): View more from Florida

  Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains

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  (941): Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains http://tfl.nu/tyep
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."

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  (201): A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore." http://tfl.nu/zlen
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...

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  (573): I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were... http://tfl.nu/299s
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.

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  (416): He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut. http://tfl.nu/vwy6
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  (305): View more from Florida

  Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.

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  (305): Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement. http://tfl.nu/gpxv
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.

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  (774): Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist. http://tfl.nu/bzfc
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Career choice validated

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  (732): Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!" (732): Career choice validated http://tfl.nu/g765
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.

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  (770): Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever. http://tfl.nu/w4kd
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"

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  (740): I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots" http://tfl.nu/pkth
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.

  (856): View more from New Jersey

  dear god, who put you in a cab?

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  (267): duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19. (856): dear god, who put you in a cab? http://tfl.nu/6o92
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  (818): View more from California

  Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place

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  (818): Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place http://tfl.nu/xlhx
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  (951): View more from California

  My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room

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  (951): My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room http://tfl.nu/wnm7
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  (510): View more from California

  she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong

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  (510): she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong http://tfl.nu/3blf
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo

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  (860): MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!! (860): I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo http://tfl.nu/vjys
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"

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  (908): We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!" http://tfl.nu/fs29
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  (916): View more from California

  In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?

  (1-916): View more from California

  Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.

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  (916): In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room? (1-916): Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne. http://tfl.nu/vsj8
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  (631): View more from New York

  Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.

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  (631): Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel. http://tfl.nu/lrsp
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.

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  (717): Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome. http://tfl.nu/7fz1
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable

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  (732): wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable http://tfl.nu/5ca2
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  (903): View more from Texas

  Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.

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  (903): Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning. http://tfl.nu/i0lg
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  (530): View more from California

  I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"

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  (530): I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting" http://tfl.nu/k1xw
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.

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  (717): It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost. http://tfl.nu/w01g
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  (415): View more from California

  You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.

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  (415): You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can. http://tfl.nu/e8s7
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.

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  (832): You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it. http://tfl.nu/3ywv
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  (406): View more from Montana

  I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."

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  (406): I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works." http://tfl.nu/3ym3
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  (210): View more from Texas

  If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.

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  (210): If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever. http://tfl.nu/5js7
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  (518): View more from New York

  They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower

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  (518): They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower http://tfl.nu/ye9z
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  (903): View more from Texas

  I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...

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  (903): I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth... http://tfl.nu/u93t
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.

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  (304): Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day. http://tfl.nu/phv5
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.

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  (573): My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son. http://tfl.nu/oti7
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  (209): View more from California

  What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?

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  (209): What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons? http://tfl.nu/8u4p
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..

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  (318): We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed.. http://tfl.nu/orkv
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon

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  (978): I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon http://tfl.nu/xy8w
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  (806): View more from Texas

  You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....

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  (806): You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping.... http://tfl.nu/mb43
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".

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  (732): hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals". http://tfl.nu/oep3
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".

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  (617): my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl". http://tfl.nu/voy6
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"

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  (262): He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage" http://tfl.nu/fr69
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR

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  (724): he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR http://tfl.nu/mrnu
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  (817): View more from Texas

  He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van

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  (817): He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van http://tfl.nu/z2ov
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.

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  (301): Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard. http://tfl.nu/kick
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.

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  (617): Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns. http://tfl.nu/g37i
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"

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  (781): I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again" http://tfl.nu/7as1
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative

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  (603): No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative http://tfl.nu/aljj
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.

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  (443): she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup. http://tfl.nu/y9af
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  (580): View more from Oklahoma

  You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.

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  (580): You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose. http://tfl.nu/41p8
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.

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  (480): I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies. http://tfl.nu/khmt
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment

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  (505): so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment http://tfl.nu/9rz9
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  (845): View more from New York

  He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.

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  (845): He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver. http://tfl.nu/r9iy
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.

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  (248): i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina. http://tfl.nu/jhba
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  (714): View more from California

  we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet

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  (714): we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet http://tfl.nu/qhid
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.

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  (303): I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move. http://tfl.nu/t85w
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  (949): View more from California

  i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit

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  (949): i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit http://tfl.nu/gr8g
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  (714): View more from California

  we're chasing vodka with high fives

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  (714): we're chasing vodka with high fives http://tfl.nu/2m9s
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.

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  (250): I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him. http://tfl.nu/wjhp
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.

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  (785): I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol. http://tfl.nu/ketb
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.

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  (337): Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times. http://tfl.nu/ao6t
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  (509): View more from Washington

  i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it

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  (509): i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it http://tfl.nu/wiu8
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.

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  (+44): Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand. http://tfl.nu/fdqs
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  (409): View more from Texas

  Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.

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  (409): Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me. http://tfl.nu/r0oo
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...

  (1-317): View more from Indiana

  He's the fucking cop whisperer.

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  (317): He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him... (1-317): He's the fucking cop whisperer. http://tfl.nu/3vvt
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.

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  (417): Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever. http://tfl.nu/md7w
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.

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  (240): i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark. http://tfl.nu/ophf
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'

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  (306): I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes' http://tfl.nu/oxkp
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."

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  (734): We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing." http://tfl.nu/cqut
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.

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  (313): She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list. http://tfl.nu/ifsp
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.

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  (402): Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake. http://tfl.nu/294d
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  (512): View more from Texas

  When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man

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  (512): When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man http://tfl.nu/fxmb
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis

  (1-703): View more from Virginia

  Every man deserves at least one moment like that

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  (703): She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis (1-703): Every man deserves at least one moment like that http://tfl.nu/aq3j
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.

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  (513): He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets. http://tfl.nu/5i0f
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?

  (770): View more from Georgia

  I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle

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  (678): why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning? (770): I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle http://tfl.nu/6kcj
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?

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  (330): Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her? http://tfl.nu/1j07
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  (631): View more from New York

  I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me

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  (631): I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me http://tfl.nu/qlti
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out

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  (314): apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out http://tfl.nu/7udd
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.

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  (412): I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not. http://tfl.nu/jtsf
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

  (1-847): View more from Illinois

  How was it?

  (847): View more from Illinois

  Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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  (847): I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me. (1-847): How was it? (847): Fantastic, but that's not the point. http://tfl.nu/muuk
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.

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  (202): I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar. http://tfl.nu/npd2
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

  (850): View more from Florida

  I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

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  (850): Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave? (850): I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife http://tfl.nu/5iik
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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  (847): i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out. http://tfl.nu/gev3
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course

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  (302): I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course http://tfl.nu/mcvz
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  (510): View more from California

  I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.

  (1-510): View more from California

  It was probably Jesus.

  (510): View more from California

  I feel like he would have left a message.

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  (510): I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number. (1-510): It was probably Jesus. (510): I feel like he would have left a message. http://tfl.nu/w24x
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?

  (1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

  you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911

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  (570): why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds? (1-570): you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911 http://tfl.nu/vzb8
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  (631): View more from New York

  dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.

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  (631): dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me. http://tfl.nu/uux2
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars

  (910): View more from North Carolina

  IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT

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  (910): wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars (910): IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT http://tfl.nu/70k5
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm so horny!

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm so hungry

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  For your pussy...

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  (508): I'm so horny! (781): I'm so hungry (508): WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY! (781): For your pussy... http://tfl.nu/7j50
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  (650): View more from California

  Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)

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  (650): Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day) http://tfl.nu/fh88
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

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  (440): The ticket read "Found nude in a tree" http://tfl.nu/6rf6
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.

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  (312): I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4. http://tfl.nu/sr4z
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.

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  (630): The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum. http://tfl.nu/5o8q
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  (407): View more from Florida

  i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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  (407): i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star... http://tfl.nu/jbo8
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night

  (1-404): View more from Georgia

  haha good one..how did you even know?

  (404): View more from Georgia

  we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.

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  (404): FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night (1-404): haha good one..how did you even know? (404): we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck. http://tfl.nu/dmh7
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard

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  (484): we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard http://tfl.nu/y3gw
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home

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  (574): 2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home http://tfl.nu/gyyq
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend

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  (608): Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend http://tfl.nu/d6xp
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  (716): View more from New York

  He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.

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  (716): He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies. http://tfl.nu/v70e
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.

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  (443): i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me. http://tfl.nu/hmc1
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.

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  (913): you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro. http://tfl.nu/rmdo
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.

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  (303): dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered. http://tfl.nu/j70b
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.

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  (952): I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me. http://tfl.nu/xnge
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Tie

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  (201): I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet (908): I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building (201): Tie http://tfl.nu/a5wy
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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  (774): i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"... http://tfl.nu/2wkl
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  69 |D_O

  (1-602): View more from Arizona

  wtf does that mean??

  (602): View more from Arizona

  it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"

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  (602): 69 |D_O (1-602): wtf does that mean?? (602): it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently" http://tfl.nu/6ega
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  (510): View more from California

  he said he didn't have a condom.

  (415): View more from California

  and you said?

  (510): View more from California

  that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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  (510): he said he didn't have a condom. (415): and you said? (510): that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that. http://tfl.nu/4u76
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.

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  (734): i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left. http://tfl.nu/94x2
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls

  (1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

  I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome

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  (306): Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls (1-306): I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome http://tfl.nu/f4ni
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.

  (504): View more from Louisiana

  Who won?

  (225): View more from Louisiana

  All of them.

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  (225): I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away. (504): Who won? (225): All of them. http://tfl.nu/xlra
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?

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  (616): GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore? http://tfl.nu/fc2z
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands

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  (717): hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands http://tfl.nu/c6ww
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  (212): View more from New York

  I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.

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  (212): I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland. http://tfl.nu/ca0n
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra

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  (717): im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra http://tfl.nu/5ubo
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.

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  (828): you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life. http://tfl.nu/zm5g
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.

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  (724): look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means. http://tfl.nu/mq55
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven

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  (978): i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven http://tfl.nu/9auj
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  (315): View more from New York

  I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho

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  (315): I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob (203): For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho http://tfl.nu/1l75
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?

  (1-918): View more from Oklahoma

  Woah.

  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  that's not how you spell hell yes.

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  (918): you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you? (1-918): Woah. (918): that's not how you spell hell yes. http://tfl.nu/i519
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.

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  (920): I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night. http://tfl.nu/zpas
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."

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  (720): He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples." http://tfl.nu/rub1
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.

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  (732): FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket. http://tfl.nu/p1i6
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  (209): View more from California

  is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?

  (1-209): View more from California

  yes...dear jesus what did you do?

  (209): View more from California

  bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.

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  (209): is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers? (1-209): yes...dear jesus what did you do? (209): bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off. http://tfl.nu/27hf
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door

  (865): View more from Tennessee

  and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice

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  (865): we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door (865): and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice http://tfl.nu/lffl
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.

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  (336): Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me. http://tfl.nu/79qg
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.

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  (303): I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment. http://tfl.nu/lu2o
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.

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  (313): you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs. http://tfl.nu/cddz
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away

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  (705): i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away http://tfl.nu/zrix
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.

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  (732): I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked. http://tfl.nu/sxfw
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  (478): View more from Georgia

  We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.

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  (478): We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out. http://tfl.nu/tea7
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...

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  (317): you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party... http://tfl.nu/sqle
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  (917): View more from New York City

  Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.

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  (917): Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you. http://tfl.nu/j1py
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.

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  (201): You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked. http://tfl.nu/py4z
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  (409): View more from Texas

  The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.

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  (409): The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711. http://tfl.nu/l97v
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...

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  (314): I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college... http://tfl.nu/a15y
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  (252): View more from North Carolina

  I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.

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  (252): I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them. http://tfl.nu/kwke
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.

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  (306): I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car. http://tfl.nu/2mw2
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  (716): View more from New York

  whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete

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  (716): whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete http://tfl.nu/s3e3
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  (858): View more from California

  in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"

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  (858): in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby" http://tfl.nu/q8vs
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  (727): View more from Florida

  i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.

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  (727): i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR. http://tfl.nu/oyj0
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".

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  (302): He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice". http://tfl.nu/55zb
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.

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  (616): You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls. http://tfl.nu/v76g
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka

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  (919): I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka http://tfl.nu/i4zm
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  (936): View more from Texas

  Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.

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  (936): Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow. http://tfl.nu/amif
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.

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  (828): you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas. http://tfl.nu/fgpp
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people

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  (604): You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people http://tfl.nu/m3p8
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.

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  (505): I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight. http://tfl.nu/l9kd
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.

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  (970): Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did. http://tfl.nu/3qcv
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night

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  (404): Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night http://tfl.nu/nrlr
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  (585): View more from New York

  any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?

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  (585): any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later? http://tfl.nu/w8i3
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites

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  (785): Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites http://tfl.nu/fquq
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.

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  (508): Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day. http://tfl.nu/pq24
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring

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  (859): did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring http://tfl.nu/dlju
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  (980): View more from North Carolina

  when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.

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  (980): when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space. http://tfl.nu/ayzt
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.

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  (520): He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep. http://tfl.nu/tjlf
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.

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  (815): He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already. http://tfl.nu/j86y
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.

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  (215): I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked. http://tfl.nu/a12i
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.

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  (443): I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck. http://tfl.nu/69rd
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  (207): View more from Maine

  Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  OMG THAT WAS YOU?!

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  (207): Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building. (603): OMG THAT WAS YOU?! http://tfl.nu/kd7y
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express

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  (479): there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express http://tfl.nu/hlsi
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.

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  (402): I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew. http://tfl.nu/1b9c
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  I don`t remember Saturday, actually

  (1-604): View more from British Columbia

  Its ok, i dont remember 2007

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  (604): I don`t remember Saturday, actually (1-604): Its ok, i dont remember 2007 http://tfl.nu/egxh
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb

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  (503): gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb http://tfl.nu/zgfq
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.

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  (804): Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses. http://tfl.nu/pr98
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.

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  (260): I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops. http://tfl.nu/sp9a
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  (650): View more from California

  OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.

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  (650): OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS. http://tfl.nu/26xz
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.

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  (859): Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours. http://tfl.nu/gzj7
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now

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  (570): Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now http://tfl.nu/j96j
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'

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  (918): I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.' http://tfl.nu/i088
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  (806): View more from Texas

  You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.

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  (806): You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito. http://tfl.nu/i4sd
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.

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  (240): We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course. http://tfl.nu/y9iu
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro

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  (215): You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro http://tfl.nu/bhdm
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.

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  (+44): When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly. http://tfl.nu/m7vb
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit

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  (770): Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit http://tfl.nu/tode
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.

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  (856): I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch. http://tfl.nu/64iu
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.

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  (570): If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning. http://tfl.nu/0ep2
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"

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  (757): I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!" http://tfl.nu/94sw
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"

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  (774): she's crying while babbling "all i do is win" http://tfl.nu/5fua
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  (951): View more from California

  His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format

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  (951): His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format http://tfl.nu/g7e8
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals

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  (269): I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals http://tfl.nu/d194
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.

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  (321): I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one. http://tfl.nu/vil5
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"

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  (717): one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9" http://tfl.nu/v0g1
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  (909): View more from California

  I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.

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  (909): I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice. http://tfl.nu/z7v3
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  (650): View more from California

  dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning

  (805): View more from California

  1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.

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  (650): dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning (805): 1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992. http://tfl.nu/ljqj
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.

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  (810): GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK. http://tfl.nu/7sxv
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.

  (913): View more from Kansas

  Nobody is perfect

  (816): View more from Missouri

  I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other

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  (816): I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page. (913): Nobody is perfect (816): I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other http://tfl.nu/yd5r
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.

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  (203): She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock. http://tfl.nu/zr1r
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.

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  (407): Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis. http://tfl.nu/knfk
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.

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  (303): I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight. http://tfl.nu/0aby
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

  (303): View more from Colorado

  Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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  (970): I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar. (303): Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick. http://tfl.nu/w6wy
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.

  (818): View more from California

  Punch her baby.

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  (314): There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me. (818): Punch her baby. http://tfl.nu/ve2m
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  (619): View more from California

  Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.

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  (619): Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular. http://tfl.nu/9sri
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  (718): View more from New York

  you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out

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  (718): you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out http://tfl.nu/3q0w
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  (415): View more from California

  I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?

  (512): View more from Texas

  Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.

  (415): View more from California

  Watch for tornadoes.

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  (415): I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana? (512): Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought. (415): Watch for tornadoes. http://tfl.nu/7qwf
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'

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  (973): my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!' http://tfl.nu/vh00
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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  (812): My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow http://tfl.nu/ea94
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.

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  (860): i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty. http://tfl.nu/tep7
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  (516): View more from New York

  That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.

  (1-516): View more from New York

  yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.

  (516): View more from New York

  Do you have to put it that way?

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  (516): That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him. (1-516): yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him. (516): Do you have to put it that way? http://tfl.nu/hbgy
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them

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  (708): I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them http://tfl.nu/hbhk
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!

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  (832): How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?! http://tfl.nu/iqkb
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  (283): View more from Ohio

  she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.

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  (283): she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love. http://tfl.nu/fwj8
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper

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  (703): She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper http://tfl.nu/dnfr
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.

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  (303): normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective. http://tfl.nu/9jpo
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.

  (376): View more from

  you are insane

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  (901): Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere. (376): you are insane http://tfl.nu/nfoh
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  (916): View more from California

  Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice

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  (916): Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice http://tfl.nu/ob9j
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"

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  (601): i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?" http://tfl.nu/96xf
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?

  (760): View more from California

  You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.

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  (301): Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room? (760): You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet. http://tfl.nu/jiuf
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  (518): View more from New York

  You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops

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  (518): You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops http://tfl.nu/ldeo
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  My grandma had to be escorted out by police.

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  (765): My grandma had to be escorted out by police. http://tfl.nu/ipgw
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.

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  (405): Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues. http://tfl.nu/ux3u
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.

  (574): View more from Indiana

  Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.

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  (574): So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap. (574): Side Note: My mute button doesn't work. http://tfl.nu/2spl
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.

  (706): View more from Georgia

  Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.

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  (404): Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me. (706): Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest. http://tfl.nu/zfpy
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  (936): View more from Texas

  what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?

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  (936): what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card? http://tfl.nu/bsy4
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  (253): View more from Washington

  You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.

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  (253): You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow. http://tfl.nu/kcye
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  (808): View more from Hawaii

  you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe

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  (808): you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe http://tfl.nu/mori
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  (281): View more from Texas

  Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?

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  (281): Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"? http://tfl.nu/nflv
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  (315): View more from New York

  careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....

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  (315): careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there.... http://tfl.nu/ypb5
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  (559): View more from California

  I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.

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  (559): I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing. http://tfl.nu/i8zl
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  (607): View more from New York

  no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.

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  (607): no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not. http://tfl.nu/m099
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?

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  (662): Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened? http://tfl.nu/nd5l
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.

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  (720): i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out. http://tfl.nu/xm4r
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am

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  (270): If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am http://tfl.nu/t19w
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?

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  (615): If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen? http://tfl.nu/ze7l
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  (214): View more from Texas

  That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.

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  (214): That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed. http://tfl.nu/6ncx
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  (712): View more from Iowa

  Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer

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  (712): Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer http://tfl.nu/7yso
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.

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  (412): he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor. http://tfl.nu/z7yu
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  (949): View more from California

  I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?

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  (949): I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping? http://tfl.nu/8mwq
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  (917): View more from New York City

  Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?

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  (917): Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her? http://tfl.nu/rn89
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.

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  (973): Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings. http://tfl.nu/ds3w
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.

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  (413): the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings. http://tfl.nu/xbcs
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.

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  (605): You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home. http://tfl.nu/7njn
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.

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  (815): It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing. http://tfl.nu/i0rl
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"

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  (419): I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion" http://tfl.nu/b5an
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good

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  (978): Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good http://tfl.nu/k903
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.

  (1-321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.

  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  no his phone, idiot.

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  (321): Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot. (1-321): he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn. (321): no his phone, idiot. http://tfl.nu/beyf
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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  (330): First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down http://tfl.nu/yeuq
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...

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  (765): He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina... http://tfl.nu/78ky
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.

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  (215): Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win. http://tfl.nu/ky57
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.

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  (919): Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee. http://tfl.nu/oz8w
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  (972): View more from Texas

  they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!

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  (972): they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE! http://tfl.nu/deur
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.

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  (913): Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor. http://tfl.nu/qg7g
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked

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  (815): Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked http://tfl.nu/ct4t
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands

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  (617): the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands http://tfl.nu/ha5y
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  (510): View more from California

  dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?

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  (510): dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF? http://tfl.nu/9690
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  (415): View more from California

  I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?

  (510): View more from California

  I hope so

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  (415): I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die? (510): I hope so http://tfl.nu/tt2l
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!

  (1-515): View more from Iowa

  Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.

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  (515): Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!! (1-515): Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states. http://tfl.nu/ptk3
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.

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  (919): I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx. http://tfl.nu/hq1e
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.

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  (978): I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING (617): you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me. http://tfl.nu/bj47
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

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  (401): This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am? http://tfl.nu/ppdn
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  Banned from zoo.

  (301): View more from Maryland

  Again?

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  (240): Banned from zoo. (301): Again? http://tfl.nu/bv0w
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang

  (1-617): View more from Massachusetts

  ru fi oooo

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  (617): i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang (1-617): ru fi oooo http://tfl.nu/syl6
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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  (617): i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend. (508): i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me. http://tfl.nu/ho6s
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  (905): View more from Toronto

  In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience

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  (905): In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience http://tfl.nu/48b7
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  (239): View more from Florida

  you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys

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  (239): you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys http://tfl.nu/zkgi
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  (972): View more from Texas

  I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.

  (1-972): View more from Texas

  I want to be a cop.

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  (972): I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party. (1-972): I want to be a cop. http://tfl.nu/ucz6
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic

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  (480): so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic http://tfl.nu/3cem
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  I wish they made sweatshirts for legs

  (1-602): View more from Arizona

  you mean pants?

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  (602): I wish they made sweatshirts for legs (1-602): you mean pants? http://tfl.nu/ceop
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  (813): View more from Florida

  I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.

  (407): View more from Florida

  i think you have the wrong number

  (813): View more from Florida

  so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.

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  (813): I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter. (407): i think you have the wrong number (813): so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool. http://tfl.nu/uuec
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.

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  (410): guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance. http://tfl.nu/rnd5
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  (914): View more from New York

  last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.

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  (914): last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever. http://tfl.nu/26l9
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  (253): View more from Washington

  oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.

  (1-253): View more from Washington

  I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.

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  (253): oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body. (1-253): I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate. http://tfl.nu/e4ca
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.

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  (215): After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk. (610): I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect. http://tfl.nu/dim5
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  (646): View more from New York

  Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.

  (1-646): View more from New York

  what. the. fuck.

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  (646): Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now. (1-646): what. the. fuck. http://tfl.nu/rzew
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be

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  (847): So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be http://tfl.nu/8bju
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss

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  (616): who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss http://tfl.nu/d23g
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  (469): View more from Texas

  i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...

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  (469): i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine... http://tfl.nu/msgo
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.

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  (571): non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do. http://tfl.nu/8y8e
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  (631): View more from New York

  we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.

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  (631): we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die. http://tfl.nu/91t8
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"

  (314): View more from Missouri

  You fucking left with him didn't you?!

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  (636): At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand" (314): You fucking left with him didn't you?! http://tfl.nu/a3ou
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.

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  (205): i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail. http://tfl.nu/mxx0
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN

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  (+44): just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown. (+44): before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN http://tfl.nu/72q0
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  (253): View more from Washington

  The pine trees are waving at me.

  (907): View more from Alaska

  Put the pipe down honey.

  (253): View more from Washington

  Hi trees.

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  (253): The pine trees are waving at me. (907): Put the pipe down honey. (253): Hi trees. http://tfl.nu/6b23
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass

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  (309): My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass http://tfl.nu/e85a
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  (956): View more from Texas

  Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."

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  (956): Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..." http://tfl.nu/geex
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever

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  (919): I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever http://tfl.nu/iy56
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"

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  (301): The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football" http://tfl.nu/o0mi
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments

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  (204): Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments http://tfl.nu/8aia
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon

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  (513): The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon http://tfl.nu/vuj3
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?

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  (601): Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her? http://tfl.nu/n019
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial

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  (404): Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial http://tfl.nu/i0mg
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+

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  (704): One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+ http://tfl.nu/62eq
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  (518): View more from New York

  Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant

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  (518): Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant http://tfl.nu/517l
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  what did you do?

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  i asked her out. that's so hot.

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  (203): she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex. (860): what did you do? (203): i asked her out. that's so hot. http://tfl.nu/dg3d
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  (360): View more from Washington

  If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.

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  (360): If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever. http://tfl.nu/xm2c
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)

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  (262): Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :) http://tfl.nu/dwum
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  (386): View more from Florida

  i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena

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  (386): i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena http://tfl.nu/u4d0
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  (406): View more from Montana

  my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute

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  (406): my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute http://tfl.nu/00es
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  (310): View more from California

  i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."

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  (310): i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week." http://tfl.nu/whj8
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.

  (1-515): View more from Iowa

  Deal!

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  (515): You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit. (1-515): Deal! http://tfl.nu/vj0b
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  (985): View more from Louisiana

  BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART

  (601): View more from Mississippi

  Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.

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  (985): BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART (601): Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know. http://tfl.nu/j9ff
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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  (519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba" http://tfl.nu/uoap
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.

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  (586): I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business. http://tfl.nu/ppsa
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..

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  (256): It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.. http://tfl.nu/zyk4
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo

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  (610): Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo http://tfl.nu/aw10
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  (214): View more from Texas

  She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.

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  (214): She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister. http://tfl.nu/9ks8
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.

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  (484): Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud. http://tfl.nu/xhdj
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.

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  (678): I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI. http://tfl.nu/868g
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.

  (1-630): View more from Illinois

  if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...

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  (630): I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends. (1-630): if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs... http://tfl.nu/id4n
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  (212): View more from New York

  I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.

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  (212): I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth. http://tfl.nu/x3q1
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.

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  (609): Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home. http://tfl.nu/wrow
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"

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  (720): turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen" http://tfl.nu/kas3
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'

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  (910): it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!' http://tfl.nu/7tsr
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

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  (781): I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed http://tfl.nu/sznd
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  (813): View more from Florida

  I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."

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  (813): I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit." http://tfl.nu/z2kp
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  (619): View more from California

  you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog

  (716): View more from New York

  do you not see the irony in that??

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  (619): you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog (716): do you not see the irony in that?? http://tfl.nu/h8wi
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  (214): View more from Texas

  come over

  (1-214): View more from Texas

  yeah sure

  (1-214): View more from Texas

  wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10

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  (214): come over (1-214): yeah sure (1-214): wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10 http://tfl.nu/qceh
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.

  (1-913): View more from Kansas

  You're the best girlfriend ever.

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  (913): Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat. (1-913): You're the best girlfriend ever. http://tfl.nu/imen
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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  (541): my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests http://tfl.nu/dcsh
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.

  (1-503): View more from Oregon

  Marry him

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  (503): He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song. (1-503): Marry him http://tfl.nu/vquy
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

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  (860): As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists. http://tfl.nu/lted
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.

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  (815): We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad. http://tfl.nu/wyhj
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  (315): View more from New York

  Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love

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  (315): Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love http://tfl.nu/13ff
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  (808): View more from Hawaii

  dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd

  (1-808): View more from Hawaii

  lock that shit down

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  (808): dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd (1-808): lock that shit down http://tfl.nu/r4jz
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.

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  (314): I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window. http://tfl.nu/w8zt
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?

  (812): View more from Indiana

  You're dead to me.

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  (317): Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up? (812): You're dead to me. http://tfl.nu/331c
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  (801): View more from Utah

  I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high

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  (801): I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high http://tfl.nu/0yq2
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  (917): View more from New York City

  so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center

  (1-917): View more from New York City

  you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth

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  (917): so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center (1-917): you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth http://tfl.nu/ukvm
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .

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  (419): The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. . http://tfl.nu/zh9v
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?

  (1-812): View more from Indiana

  All of them

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  (812): McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want? (1-812): All of them http://tfl.nu/mhdi
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  (315): View more from New York

  So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.

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  (315): So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs. http://tfl.nu/ibfv
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache

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