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Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
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