she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Send us your Text From Last Night!
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
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