Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
