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Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I didn't notice because vodka
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Less talking, more tequila
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
sarcasm needs its own font
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
God gave him joint rollers for hands
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
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