I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
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Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
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