Texts From Last Night

iheartmyko's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

• Favorite

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (860): Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried. http://tfl.nu/p6ag
  Replies (13) Good night (2222) Bad night (4175) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (434): View more from Virginia

  Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (434): Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing" http://tfl.nu/nbg8
  Replies (4) Good night (2145) Bad night (776) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (828): View more from North Carolina

  There's a dead frog in my kitchen?

  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.

  (402): View more from Nebraska

  The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (828): There's a dead frog in my kitchen? (402): Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush. (402): The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all" http://tfl.nu/9htk
  Replies (34) Good night (1750) Bad night (4313)
• Favorite

  (469): View more from Texas

  you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (469): you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted. http://tfl.nu/d3cr
  Replies (12) Good night (4943) Bad night (370) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (310): View more from California

  i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (310): i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over. http://tfl.nu/nwsy
  Replies (40) Good night (15243) Bad night (1813) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (541): View more from Oregon

  I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (541): I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god. http://tfl.nu/ci1f
  Replies (10) Good night (5924) Bad night (608) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (214): View more from Texas

  I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited

  (1-214): View more from Texas

  I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (214): I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited (1-214): I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope http://tfl.nu/jd28
  Replies (93) Good night (1129) Bad night (7091)
• Favorite

  (314): View more from Missouri

  I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (314): I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style http://tfl.nu/rcp4
  Replies (103) Good night (8814) Bad night (456)
• Favorite

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (908): The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one. http://tfl.nu/8bgn
  Replies (3) Good night (2726) Bad night (703) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (757): View more from Virginia

  He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (757): He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish. http://tfl.nu/lwox
  Replies (41) Good night (19101) Bad night (739) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (970): View more from Colorado

  I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (970): I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big http://tfl.nu/le84
  Replies (12) Good night (1593) Bad night (2487) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (480): View more from Arizona

  I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (480): I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows http://tfl.nu/5bqe
  Replies (21) Good night (5754) Bad night (446) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (402): View more from Nebraska

  when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (402): when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case" http://tfl.nu/zxvf
  Replies (15) Good night (4041) Bad night (3590) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (703): View more from Virginia

  ..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (703): ..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making http://tfl.nu/m2re
  Replies (10) Good night (3187) Bad night (669) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (636): View more from Missouri

  Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (636): Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape. http://tfl.nu/3ikt
  Replies (3) Good night (1536) Bad night (629) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (613): View more from Ontario

  who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (613): who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked http://tfl.nu/fbnh
  Replies (3) Good night (2322) Bad night (391) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (703): View more from Virginia

  I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (703): I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave. http://tfl.nu/udrq
  Replies (4) Good night (1880) Bad night (618) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (818): View more from California

  he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (818): he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror http://tfl.nu/1dr8
  Replies (14) Good night (5640) Bad night (1218) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (954): View more from Florida

  hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (954): hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot. http://tfl.nu/3jpd
  Replies (21) Good night (6659) Bad night (780) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (724): You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car http://tfl.nu/cede
  Replies (10) Good night (2998) Bad night (893) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (206): View more from Washington

  do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (206): do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP" http://tfl.nu/bthl
  Replies (19) Good night (3415) Bad night (855) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (519): View more from Ontario

  I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (519): I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat. http://tfl.nu/eo6a
  Replies (28) Good night (7468) Bad night (543) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (913): View more from Kansas

  You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (913): You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were. http://tfl.nu/duqk
  Replies (1) Good night (2561) Bad night (1173) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (787): View more from Puerto Rico

  He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (787): He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him. http://tfl.nu/klex
  Replies (21) Good night (4181) Bad night (702) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (202): Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes. http://tfl.nu/57eb
  Replies (50) Good night (2081) Bad night (5012)
• Favorite

  (650): View more from California

  guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (650): guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina? http://tfl.nu/cd8y
  Replies (39) Good night (3221) Bad night (1309) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (973): when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!" http://tfl.nu/xs9f
  Replies (3) Good night (2348) Bad night (712) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (318): View more from Louisiana

  There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (318): There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday http://tfl.nu/53lu
  Replies (11) Good night (2969) Bad night (763) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (647): View more from Ontario

  she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (647): she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener http://tfl.nu/wmbx
  Replies (21) Good night (3703) Bad night (1529) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (347): View more from New York

  sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (347): sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things. http://tfl.nu/13io
  Replies (35) Good night (7834) Bad night (836) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (417): View more from Missouri

  Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (417): Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel http://tfl.nu/ki9k
  Replies (11) Good night (2030) Bad night (714) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (607): View more from New York

  Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?

  (607): View more from New York

  Nevermind, it's in the dryer.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (607): Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head? (607): Nevermind, it's in the dryer. http://tfl.nu/r8jx
  Replies (6) Good night (3090) Bad night (572)
• Favorite

  (757): View more from Virginia

  if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (757): if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am http://tfl.nu/cj17
  Replies (24) Good night (3774) Bad night (340) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (720): View more from Colorado

  Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (720): Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids http://tfl.nu/b5v5
  Replies (25) Good night (9240) Bad night (760) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (215): we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me. http://tfl.nu/nfi8
  Replies (8) Good night (4719) Bad night (607) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (310): View more from California

  Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (310): Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god" http://tfl.nu/2xo4
  Replies (10) Good night (4022) Bad night (568) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (915): View more from Texas

  Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (915): Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck http://tfl.nu/avfi
  Replies (4) Good night (2535) Bad night (547) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (786): View more from Florida

  And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (786): And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots. http://tfl.nu/xlfm
  Replies (3) Good night (2853) Bad night (631) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (228): View more from Mississippi

  He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (228): He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him. http://tfl.nu/emw6
  Replies (10) Good night (909) Bad night (2459) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (513): View more from Ohio

  successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (513): successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here http://tfl.nu/y491
  Replies (17) Good night (3728) Bad night (548) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (308): View more from Nebraska

  Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (308): Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar. http://tfl.nu/fw94
  Replies (13) Good night (5543) Bad night (677) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (870): View more from Arkansas

  You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (870): You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call" http://tfl.nu/7z02
  Replies (29) Good night (9468) Bad night (529) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (803): View more from South Carolina

  that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (803): that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins http://tfl.nu/u9n2
  Replies (23) Good night (7760) Bad night (608) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (765): View more from Indiana

  Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (765): Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic http://tfl.nu/acyn
  Replies (6) Good night (4535) Bad night (480) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (785): View more from Kansas

  Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (785): Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok http://tfl.nu/c6qb
  Replies (7) Good night (2838) Bad night (530)
• Favorite

  (207): View more from Maine

  Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (207): Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night..... (617): I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11 http://tfl.nu/wa6u
  Replies (36) Good night (7324) Bad night (1206)
• Favorite

  (512): View more from Texas

  You surviving the open bar?

  (1-512): View more from Texas

  Super asto ex polenta omaha botad

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (512): You surviving the open bar? (1-512): Super asto ex polenta omaha botad http://tfl.nu/tyvd
  Replies (15) Good night (1419) Bad night (268) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (317): View more from Indiana

  I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (317): I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking. http://tfl.nu/ymvd
  Replies (52) Good night (3625) Bad night (758) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (757): View more from Virginia

  It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (757): It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like http://tfl.nu/masc
  Replies (81) Good night (8267) Bad night (779) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (630): View more from Illinois

  i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (630): i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot http://tfl.nu/y6a1
  Replies (12) Good night (3179) Bad night (767) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (678): View more from Georgia

  I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (678): I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy http://tfl.nu/r472
  Replies (11) Good night (4192) Bad night (588) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (856): View more from New Jersey

  I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (856): I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch. http://tfl.nu/64iu
  Replies (28) Good night (4543) Bad night (650) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (520): View more from Arizona

  I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (520): I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock. http://tfl.nu/8w5i
  Replies (13) Good night (1064) Bad night (6320) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (520): View more from Arizona

  If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (520): If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar. http://tfl.nu/t9uo
  Replies (59) Good night (4746) Bad night (430) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (404): View more from Georgia

  I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (404): I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow http://tfl.nu/bfg7
  Replies (14) Good night (3033) Bad night (1101) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (973): UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to. http://tfl.nu/mbqt
  Replies (26) Good night (5460) Bad night (934)
• Favorite

  (607): View more from New York

  his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (607): his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop. http://tfl.nu/p3uz
  Replies (10) Good night (3254) Bad night (521) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (317): View more from Indiana

  Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (317): Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week. http://tfl.nu/d9gv
  Replies (21) Good night (6309) Bad night (736)
• Favorite

  (209): View more from California

  I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (209): I don't think child baring hips is a compliment. http://tfl.nu/0err
  Replies (29) Good night (1047) Bad night (2443) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (214): View more from Texas

  One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (214): One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair. http://tfl.nu/h2x0
  Replies (5) Good night (2365) Bad night (705) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (954): View more from Florida

  Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (954): Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish. http://tfl.nu/zg18
  Replies (25) Good night (4483) Bad night (808) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (413): Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again. http://tfl.nu/hakk
  Replies (3) Good night (1314) Bad night (2092)
• Favorite

  (337): View more from Louisiana

  How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (337): How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen? http://tfl.nu/ms4s
  Replies (6) Good night (2472) Bad night (551) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (513): View more from Ohio

  I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.

  (440): View more from Ohio

  ...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.

  (513): View more from Ohio

  That was a text you sent me last night.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (513): I think I'd do Clint Eastwood. (440): ...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now. (513): That was a text you sent me last night. http://tfl.nu/tvw9
  Replies (36) Good night (9441) Bad night (689)
• Favorite

  (518): View more from New York

  idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (518): idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever http://tfl.nu/70al
  Replies (16) Good night (6166) Bad night (1215)
• Favorite

  (847): View more from Illinois

  i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (847): i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen. http://tfl.nu/1m72
  Replies (47) Good night (11057) Bad night (1912) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (302): View more from Delaware

  Who goes to Church hungover

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (302): Who goes to Church hungover (717): Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk http://tfl.nu/g7sy
  Replies (42) Good night (14118) Bad night (1045)
• Favorite

  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (402): Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing http://tfl.nu/n0bj
  Replies (28) Good night (5785) Bad night (1460) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (412): he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night. http://tfl.nu/6lcj
  Replies (39) Good night (1035) Bad night (7288) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (808): View more from Hawaii

  I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (808): I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends. http://tfl.nu/mxrh
  Replies (20) Good night (4361) Bad night (393) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (660): View more from Missouri

  i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (660): i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals http://tfl.nu/iisz
  Replies (15) Good night (3198) Bad night (861) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (832): I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie. http://tfl.nu/bxsq
  Replies (45) Good night (5269) Bad night (975) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning

  (1-413): View more from Massachusetts

  More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub

  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  I wish i could be there for it

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (413): Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning (1-413): More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub (413): I wish i could be there for it http://tfl.nu/f5kk
  Replies (4) Good night (2123) Bad night (309)
• Favorite

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Umm..who the fuck is this?

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Oh shit

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (781): Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them? (617): Umm..who the fuck is this? (781): Oh shit http://tfl.nu/ik4c
  Replies (54) Good night (1810) Bad night (6107)
• Favorite

  (928): View more from Arizona

  Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (928): Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look! http://tfl.nu/iwt3
  Replies (38) Good night (6473) Bad night (470) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (216): View more from Ohio

  She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (216): She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass. http://tfl.nu/vn76
  Replies (25) Good night (4579) Bad night (1562) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just spent $27 on things to pee on.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (484): I just spent $27 on things to pee on. http://tfl.nu/pmzm
  Replies (30) Good night (984) Bad night (3364) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (310): View more from California

  He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (310): He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna http://tfl.nu/tldl
  Replies (9) Good night (5330) Bad night (1321) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (480): View more from Arizona

  Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (480): Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles. http://tfl.nu/jmsm
  Replies (32) Good night (14388) Bad night (487) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (317): View more from Indiana

  The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (317): The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic http://tfl.nu/lvdi
  Replies (16) Good night (15043) Bad night (852)
• Favorite

  (678): View more from Georgia

  All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?

  (404): View more from Georgia

  You mean bread?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (678): All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast? (404): You mean bread? http://tfl.nu/0bp8
  Replies (60) Good night (16100) Bad night (989)
• Favorite

  (205): View more from Alabama

  Why are my keys in the refrigerator?

  (1-205): View more from Alabama

  You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.

  (205): View more from Alabama

  This explains so much.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (205): Why are my keys in the refrigerator? (1-205): You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you. (205): This explains so much. http://tfl.nu/ouwy
  Replies (29) Good night (16810) Bad night (607)
• Favorite

  (425): View more from Washington

  It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (425): It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo." http://tfl.nu/u5wa
  Replies (44) Good night (15979) Bad night (801)
• Favorite

  (917): View more from New York City

  If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you

  (917): View more from New York City

  Those had pot in them

  (917): View more from New York City

  And good luck on your interview asshole

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (917): If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you (917): Those had pot in them (917): And good luck on your interview asshole http://tfl.nu/911g
  Replies (49) Good night (16389) Bad night (1134)
• Favorite

  (708): View more from Illinois

  Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (708): Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight? http://tfl.nu/wnvq
  Replies (38) Good night (16456) Bad night (1665) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (407): View more from Florida

  Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (407): Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything." http://tfl.nu/1ue8
  Replies (35) Good night (16396) Bad night (563)
• Favorite

  (912): View more from Georgia

  just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (912): just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart http://tfl.nu/ug8y
  Replies (27) Good night (16384) Bad night (715) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (917): View more from New York City

  you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.

  (720): View more from Colorado

  ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...

  (917): View more from New York City

  no it doesn't.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (917): you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere. (720): ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning... (917): no it doesn't. http://tfl.nu/6x89
  Replies (34) Good night (17257) Bad night (873)
• Favorite

  (845): View more from New York

  I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (845): I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!" http://tfl.nu/kl2h
  Replies (37) Good night (18322) Bad night (1099) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (425): View more from Washington

  you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

  (206): View more from Washington

  youre the best friend ever

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (425): you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it (206): youre the best friend ever http://tfl.nu/6oyc
  Replies (45) Good night (19374) Bad night (641)
• Favorite

  (801): View more from Utah

  Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (801): Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks. http://tfl.nu/8eyu
  Replies (45) Good night (18502) Bad night (1124) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (339): View more from Massachusetts

  i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (339): i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall http://tfl.nu/8iwm
  Replies (37) Good night (20230) Bad night (1521) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (917): View more from New York City

  half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (917): half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country. http://tfl.nu/tafy
  Replies (261) Good night (19724) Bad night (1788) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (705): View more from Ontario

  Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (705): Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence http://tfl.nu/779y
  Replies (66) Good night (19513) Bad night (838) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (504): View more from Louisiana

  Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (504): Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex. http://tfl.nu/adpf
  Replies (155) Good night (30019) Bad night (860) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (850): View more from Florida

  Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

  (850): View more from Florida

  I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (850): Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave? (850): I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife http://tfl.nu/5iik
  Replies (84) Good night (36449) Bad night (1297)
• Favorite

  (915): View more from Texas

  I told you I was good to drive

  (1-915): View more from Texas

  dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (915): I told you I was good to drive (1-915): dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate http://tfl.nu/7qaj
  Replies (52) Good night (68151) Bad night (1686) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (215): i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section http://tfl.nu/5gr0
  Replies (1608) Good night (161227) Bad night (40082) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (360): View more from Washington

  he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (360): he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them http://tfl.nu/8aam
  Replies (40) Good night (15811) Bad night (1734) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (313): View more from Michigan

  I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me

  (1-313): View more from Michigan

  restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (313): I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me (1-313): restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch http://tfl.nu/60qu
  Replies (10) Good night (543) Bad night (1563)
• Favorite

  (240): View more from Maryland

  i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (240): i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark. http://tfl.nu/ophf
  Replies (9) Good night (5549) Bad night (718) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (480): View more from Arizona

  You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (480): You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone http://tfl.nu/wd7b
  Replies (33) Good night (7204) Bad night (597) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (810): View more from Michigan

  I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (810): I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work... http://tfl.nu/jjaa
  Replies (30) Good night (5797) Bad night (729) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  the vacuum is drunk

  (703): View more from Virginia

  what?

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (908): the vacuum is drunk (703): what? (908): i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk http://tfl.nu/sgxh
  Replies (17) Good night (2287) Bad night (305)
• Favorite

  (219): View more from Indiana

  NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh

  (1-219): View more from Indiana

  wow.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (219): NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh (1-219): wow. http://tfl.nu/be02
  Replies (38) Good night (6196) Bad night (2497) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (586): View more from Michigan

  so how was last night?

  (1-586): View more from Michigan

  got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (586): so how was last night? (1-586): got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages. http://tfl.nu/4xoa
  Replies (21) Good night (9811) Bad night (727)
• Favorite

  (501): View more from Arkansas

  This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (501): This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower. http://tfl.nu/hbb7
  Replies (62) Good night (18604) Bad night (1189) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (651): The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion http://tfl.nu/8885
  Replies (12) Good night (1894) Bad night (3831) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (508): i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook http://tfl.nu/ft2u
  Replies (36) Good night (9878) Bad night (620) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (785): View more from Kansas

  Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (785): Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night http://tfl.nu/utdq
  Replies (1) Good night (1885) Bad night (555) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (443): View more from Maryland

  Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (443): Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella http://tfl.nu/27sq
  Replies (31) Good night (11893) Bad night (1195) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (423): View more from Tennessee

  I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (423): I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats. http://tfl.nu/9par
  Replies (6) Good night (1539) Bad night (2179) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (516): View more from New York

  my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (516): my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight? http://tfl.nu/m93n
  Replies (107) Good night (31246) Bad night (899) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (571): View more from Virginia

  we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (571): we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music. http://tfl.nu/kygq
  Replies (7) Good night (2397) Bad night (700) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (305): View more from Florida

  you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (305): you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out http://tfl.nu/dfjh
  Replies (20) Good night (5505) Bad night (752) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (515): View more from Iowa

  Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (515): Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack. http://tfl.nu/7j66
  Replies (2) Good night (1518) Bad night (433) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (805): View more from California

  Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (805): Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla http://tfl.nu/wlr8
  Replies (8) Good night (1842) Bad night (642)
• Favorite

  (563): View more from Iowa

  that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (563): that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark. http://tfl.nu/i86g
  Replies (13) Good night (791) Bad night (1996) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (573): View more from Missouri

  i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (573): i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out http://tfl.nu/mqff
  Replies (16) Good night (1569) Bad night (5467) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (315): View more from New York

  They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (315): They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it. http://tfl.nu/5i1a
  Replies (12) Good night (7870) Bad night (781)
• Favorite

  (810): View more from Michigan

  Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (810): Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words http://tfl.nu/8a38
  Replies (8) Good night (3092) Bad night (805) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (727): View more from Florida

  And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (727): And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan http://tfl.nu/mm2g
  Replies (7) Good night (1902) Bad night (461) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (519): View more from Ontario

  I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (519): I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it. http://tfl.nu/dyf5
  Replies (8) Good night (2646) Bad night (630) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (978): I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine. http://tfl.nu/u4oj
  Replies (8) Good night (2478) Bad night (555) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (917): View more from New York City

  I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (917): I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant. http://tfl.nu/wa98
  Replies (26) Good night (6433) Bad night (505) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (510): View more from California

  Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (510): Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay http://tfl.nu/s2rn
  Replies (65) Good night (19434) Bad night (1464) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (206): View more from Washington

  I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (206): I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner http://tfl.nu/6elk
  Replies (2) Good night (2518) Bad night (367) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (415): View more from California

  When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (415): When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping" http://tfl.nu/vogg
  Replies (17) Good night (8670) Bad night (639) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (310): View more from California

  When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (310): When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth http://tfl.nu/ve5l
  Replies (17) Good night (4330) Bad night (732) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (814): Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water http://tfl.nu/ivkw
  Replies (14) Good night (5013) Bad night (779) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (651): he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong. http://tfl.nu/ln52
  Replies (28) Good night (8773) Bad night (1062) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  there needs to be a build-a-bong store...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (267): there needs to be a build-a-bong store... http://tfl.nu/zpe9
  Replies (53) Good night (8785) Bad night (683) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (509): View more from Washington

  Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (509): Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you http://tfl.nu/tpo5
  Replies (30) Good night (13057) Bad night (608) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (804): View more from Virginia

  i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (804): i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song http://tfl.nu/watz
  Replies (29) Good night (3804) Bad night (1002) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (815): View more from Illinois

  Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (815): Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool. http://tfl.nu/9aum
  Replies (11) Good night (2843) Bad night (752)
• Favorite

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!

  (763): View more from Minnesota

  Yes.

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (612): You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!! (763): Yes. (612): fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria http://tfl.nu/wx8p
  Replies (37) Good night (4195) Bad night (454)
• Favorite

  (850): View more from Florida

  You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (850): You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus. http://tfl.nu/vr5q
  Replies (15) Good night (9246) Bad night (630) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (248): I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time http://tfl.nu/uesv
  Replies (8) Good night (833) Bad night (5051) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (206): View more from Washington

  it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (206): it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting" http://tfl.nu/ix3k
  Replies (8) Good night (2864) Bad night (726) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (519): View more from Ontario

  ambylanc

  (1-519): View more from Ontario

  what?

  (519): View more from Ontario

  there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (519): ambylanc (1-519): what? (519): there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it. http://tfl.nu/lrq4
  Replies (8) Good night (2640) Bad night (986)
• Favorite

  (815): View more from Illinois

  she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (815): she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her. http://tfl.nu/1rnx
  Replies (10) Good night (5689) Bad night (786) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (248): I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me http://tfl.nu/356r
  Replies (20) Good night (6992) Bad night (1015) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (812): View more from Indiana

  They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (812): They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban. http://tfl.nu/cwx8
  Replies (8) Good night (4343) Bad night (771) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (480): View more from Arizona

  I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (480): I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies. http://tfl.nu/khmt
  Replies (9) Good night (5468) Bad night (718) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (860): The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up. http://tfl.nu/uswo
  Replies (14) Good night (1007) Bad night (4024) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM

  (616): View more from Michigan

  Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  wait... oh

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (401): dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM (616): Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek? (401): wait... oh http://tfl.nu/kgtx
  Replies (9) Good night (2908) Bad night (432)
• Favorite

  (613): View more from Ontario

  She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (613): She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place. http://tfl.nu/avtw
  Replies (4) Good night (3017) Bad night (656) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (802): View more from Vermont

  i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (802): i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please. http://tfl.nu/g6pa
  Replies (5) Good night (3435) Bad night (790) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+44): When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly. http://tfl.nu/m7vb
  Replies (16) Good night (3875) Bad night (857) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (401): you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck http://tfl.nu/4wd4
  Replies (28) Good night (5460) Bad night (731) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (661): View more from California

  Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.

  (1-661): View more from California

  What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (661): Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up. (1-661): What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how" http://tfl.nu/sghh
  Replies (49) Good night (28199) Bad night (858)
• Favorite

  (803): View more from South Carolina

  Everybody was literally kung fu fighting

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (803): Everybody was literally kung fu fighting http://tfl.nu/75ca
  Replies (33) Good night (10036) Bad night (517) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (860): So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out. http://tfl.nu/xnc4
  Replies (11) Good night (4888) Bad night (730) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (813): View more from Florida

  im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (813): im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots. http://tfl.nu/i8ur
  Replies (5) Good night (3636) Bad night (1233) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (330): View more from Ohio

  i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (330): i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm http://tfl.nu/d06d
  Replies (13) Good night (1921) Bad night (1105) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (214): View more from Texas

  um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (214): um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid. http://tfl.nu/gcwj
  Replies (17) Good night (2638) Bad night (1055) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (301): View more from Maryland

  i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (301): i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up http://tfl.nu/1cet
  Replies (29) Good night (3622) Bad night (770) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (801): View more from Utah

  Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (801): Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes http://tfl.nu/lgb8
  Replies (3) Good night (3757) Bad night (652) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (714): View more from California

  we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (714): we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet http://tfl.nu/qhid
  Replies (12) Good night (4037) Bad night (1024) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (630): View more from Illinois

  We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (630): We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas. http://tfl.nu/1h9b
  Replies (14) Good night (5565) Bad night (792) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (314): View more from Missouri

  I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (314): I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness. http://tfl.nu/5pr0
  Replies (20) Good night (4321) Bad night (947) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (330): View more from Ohio

  theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (330): theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles. http://tfl.nu/gk69
  Replies (28) Good night (6356) Bad night (705) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (281): View more from Texas

  We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (281): We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex. http://tfl.nu/sntw
  Replies (14) Good night (1197) Bad night (3055) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (201): I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma. http://tfl.nu/yzcy
  Replies (13) Good night (4923) Bad night (536) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (614): View more from Ohio

  I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (614): I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone. http://tfl.nu/g122
  Replies (23) Good night (8551) Bad night (698)
• Favorite

  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (414): honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing http://tfl.nu/5ke6
  Replies (17) Good night (3726) Bad night (478) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (515): View more from Iowa

  in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (515): in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch. http://tfl.nu/88o7
  Replies (20) Good night (9791) Bad night (611) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (251): View more from Alabama

  just found the deal breaker

  (1-251): View more from Alabama

  hairy back?

  (251): View more from Alabama

  he can't live within 1000 ft of a school

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (251): just found the deal breaker (1-251): hairy back? (251): he can't live within 1000 ft of a school http://tfl.nu/kwkd
  Replies (73) Good night (680) Bad night (13668)
• Favorite

  (513): View more from Ohio

  Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (513): Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs http://tfl.nu/gf82
  Replies (71) Good night (1927) Bad night (666) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (734): View more from Michigan

  You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (734): You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia. http://tfl.nu/z7s6
  Replies (15) Good night (796) Bad night (1097) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (406): View more from Montana

  He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (406): He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage http://tfl.nu/22pw
  Replies (8) Good night (3349) Bad night (595) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (530): View more from California

  I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (530): I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon. http://tfl.nu/vb88
  Replies (13) Good night (4817) Bad night (802) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (804): View more from Virginia

  also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (804): also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite. http://tfl.nu/xds7
  Replies (14) Good night (3795) Bad night (1093) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (817): View more from Texas

  so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (817): so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring. http://tfl.nu/hdeg
  Replies (30) Good night (5694) Bad night (790)
• Favorite

  (650): View more from California

  We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (650): We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you. http://tfl.nu/6i0s
  Replies (19) Good night (4736) Bad night (765) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (630): View more from Illinois

  He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (630): He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins. http://tfl.nu/5ao1
  Replies (23) Good night (10962) Bad night (616)
• Favorite

  (905): View more from Ontario

  Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (905): Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated. http://tfl.nu/ymio
  Replies (8) Good night (3154) Bad night (614) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (906): View more from Michigan

  I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (906): I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon. http://tfl.nu/l4la
  Replies (25) Good night (6357) Bad night (1023) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (613): View more from Ontario

  Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (613): Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome. http://tfl.nu/65yv
  Replies (15) Good night (4504) Bad night (802) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (518): View more from New York

  Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (518): Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf. http://tfl.nu/6o5h
  Replies (38) Good night (5924) Bad night (453) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (810): View more from Michigan

  According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (810): According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant. http://tfl.nu/aq1y
  Replies (25) Good night (10735) Bad night (794) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (484): You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?" http://tfl.nu/prc0
  Replies (8) Good night (3318) Bad night (668) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (206): View more from Washington

  He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (206): He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears. http://tfl.nu/u9sm
  Replies (20) Good night (1790) Bad night (3257) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (936): View more from Texas

  Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (936): Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy. http://tfl.nu/jygh
  Replies (15) Good night (6052) Bad night (396) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (419): View more from Ohio

  You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (419): You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out. http://tfl.nu/n9rj
  Replies (17) Good night (5730) Bad night (755) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.

  (1-303): View more from Colorado

  At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends. (1-303): At about the same time you guys weren't burritos. http://tfl.nu/mxci
  Replies (27) Good night (7580) Bad night (565)
• Favorite

  (253): View more from Washington

  once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (253): once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced. http://tfl.nu/7kbq
  Replies (37) Good night (3179) Bad night (1889) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (217): View more from Illinois

  Why is there a cactus in the microwave?

  (1-217): View more from Illinois

  Don't worry about it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (217): Why is there a cactus in the microwave? (1-217): Don't worry about it. http://tfl.nu/f5vn
  Replies (25) Good night (10159) Bad night (534) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (248): Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth." http://tfl.nu/c9w9
  Replies (15) Good night (7315) Bad night (469) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (570): We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine. http://tfl.nu/j4ko
  Replies (7) Good night (525) Bad night (1463) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (505): View more from New Mexico

  so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (505): so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment http://tfl.nu/9rz9
  Replies (9) Good night (4504) Bad night (1442)
• Favorite

  (941): View more from Florida

  Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (941): Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches. http://tfl.nu/ctw0
  Replies (9) Good night (2829) Bad night (1040) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  i always forget guys have bellybuttons

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (717): i always forget guys have bellybuttons http://tfl.nu/yqdn
  Replies (84) Good night (3348) Bad night (579) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (703): View more from Virginia

  fucking a dude

  (703): View more from Virginia

  i mean: fucking a, dude

  (703): View more from Virginia

  wow, that comma made all the difference there

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (703): fucking a dude (703): i mean: fucking a, dude (703): wow, that comma made all the difference there http://tfl.nu/2m4f
  Replies (92) Good night (10616) Bad night (657)
• Favorite

  (618): View more from Illinois

  You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (618): You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen. http://tfl.nu/feuh
  Replies (9) Good night (4895) Bad night (623) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (720): View more from Colorado

  so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (720): so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass http://tfl.nu/kbrv
  Replies (21) Good night (1054) Bad night (7819) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (919): Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon. http://tfl.nu/tzl9
  Replies (57) Good night (19264) Bad night (960) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (412): I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship. http://tfl.nu/nd0o
  Replies (20) Good night (2528) Bad night (491)
• Favorite

  (607): View more from New York

  How was dinner with ur grandparents?

  (1-607): View more from New York

  I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (607): How was dinner with ur grandparents? (1-607) I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana." http://tfl.nu/9nup
  Replies (18) Good night (1146) Bad night (6312)
• Favorite

  (916): View more from California

  I hate ducks.

  (916): View more from California

  What?

  (916): View more from California

  they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (916): I hate ducks. (916): What? (916): they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck. http://tfl.nu/gesm
  Replies (55) Good night (3050) Bad night (428)
• Favorite

  (516): View more from New York

  I woke up on my floor...

  (1-516): View more from New York

  I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (516): I woke up on my floor... (1-516): I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop... http://tfl.nu/u1o5
  Replies (12) Good night (3597) Bad night (469) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (757): View more from Virginia

  i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (757): i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work http://tfl.nu/0keb
  Replies (20) Good night (4773) Bad night (901) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (408): View more from California

  I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (408): I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on http://tfl.nu/ydv9
  Replies (7) Good night (4408) Bad night (715) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (208): View more from Idaho

  aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (208): aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it. http://tfl.nu/sbum
  Replies (18) Good night (6960) Bad night (1062) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (416): View more from Ontario

  you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (416): you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night http://tfl.nu/f5gl
  Replies (92) Good night (30929) Bad night (1346)
• Favorite

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (973): On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now? http://tfl.nu/9ud5
  Replies (57) Good night (2414) Bad night (355) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (973): i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers http://tfl.nu/mvp5
  Replies (30) Good night (7501) Bad night (930) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (469): View more from Texas

  i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (469): i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine... http://tfl.nu/msgo
  Replies (34) Good night (12194) Bad night (559) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (778): View more from British Columbia

  I tried to use my car keys to open my door

  (1-778): View more from British Columbia

  I just started a sentence with yellow.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (778): I tried to use my car keys to open my door (1-778): I just started a sentence with yellow. http://tfl.nu/gagl
  Replies (9) Good night (1271) Bad night (256) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (608): Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap. http://tfl.nu/9p7s
  Replies (8) Good night (3587) Bad night (627) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  can you come get me at the bar

  (301): View more from Maryland

  ill be there in 10 min

  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  can we stop off at build a bear on the way home

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (570): can you come get me at the bar (301): ill be there in 10 min (570): can we stop off at build a bear on the way home http://tfl.nu/der9
  Replies (37) Good night (9160) Bad night (486)
• Favorite

  (770): View more from Georgia

  just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (770): just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes. http://tfl.nu/9iko
  Replies (117) Good night (25285) Bad night (3897) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (410): View more from Maryland

  can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

  (443): View more from Maryland

  wasted?

  (410): View more from Maryland

  im pocohantasssss

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (410): can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd (443): wasted? (410): im pocohantasssss http://tfl.nu/gql6
  Replies (109) Good night (42211) Bad night (1636)
• Favorite

  (805): View more from California

  We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (805): We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened. http://tfl.nu/qapw
  Replies (20) Good night (8956) Bad night (462)
• Favorite

  (530): View more from California

  the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (530): the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo http://tfl.nu/dqpo
  Replies (25) Good night (10116) Bad night (896) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (650): View more from California

  my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah

  (415): View more from California

  and she bought it?!?

  (650): View more from California

  yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (650): my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah (415): and she bought it?!? (650): yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes http://tfl.nu/zwxp
  Replies (28) Good night (7853) Bad night (478)
• Favorite

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+44): We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this. http://tfl.nu/pfxy
  Replies (6) Good night (4040) Bad night (688)
• Favorite

  (217): View more from Illinois

  you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (217): you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out http://tfl.nu/t2x9
  Replies (41) Good night (10354) Bad night (903) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them

  (718): View more from New York

  pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (203): there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them (718): pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed http://tfl.nu/7id4
  Replies (31) Good night (10677) Bad night (605)
• Favorite

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (973): I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance. http://tfl.nu/0bj8
  Replies (13) Good night (3973) Bad night (623) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (620): View more from Kansas

  my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"

  (785): View more from Kansas

  you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (620): my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!" (785): you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me? http://tfl.nu/e8og
  Replies (37) Good night (658) Bad night (3428)
• Favorite

  (740): View more from Ohio

  I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (740): I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out http://tfl.nu/uo3s
  Replies (14) Good night (4862) Bad night (440) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (804): View more from Virginia

  I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (804): I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore. http://tfl.nu/hody
  Replies (16) Good night (3691) Bad night (434) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (978): i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf http://tfl.nu/hwzk
  Replies (44) Good night (14016) Bad night (1016) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (803): View more from South Carolina

  I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (803): I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix http://tfl.nu/tcv4
  Replies (34) Good night (6991) Bad night (844) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (404): View more from Georgia

  hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??

  (1-404): View more from Georgia

  no.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (404): hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer?? (1-404): no. http://tfl.nu/c4dk
  Replies (21) Good night (6056) Bad night (447) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (845): View more from New York

  weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (845): weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize http://tfl.nu/jvbl
  Replies (19) Good night (7059) Bad night (795) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (718): View more from New York

  you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (718): you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out http://tfl.nu/3q0w
  Replies (18) Good night (4882) Bad night (616)
• Favorite

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (215): There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave... http://tfl.nu/jtzo
  Replies (8) Good night (2494) Bad night (2104) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (716): View more from New York

  I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (716): I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad. http://tfl.nu/kobd
  Replies (15) Good night (1216) Bad night (2137) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (859): View more from Kentucky

  I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (859): I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out http://tfl.nu/qumr
  Replies (16) Good night (4535) Bad night (872) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (707): View more from California

  Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (707): Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car. http://tfl.nu/kt4h
  Replies (13) Good night (3655) Bad night (1674) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (412): Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets. http://tfl.nu/agl3
  Replies (48) Good night (852) Bad night (4078) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (724): you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles. http://tfl.nu/nryc
  Replies (5) Good night (2462) Bad night (694) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (518): View more from New York

  I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (518): I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese. http://tfl.nu/65in
  Replies (29) Good night (10274) Bad night (490) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (314): View more from Missouri

  In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (314): In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night. http://tfl.nu/bhg6
  Replies (12) Good night (1585) Bad night (2843) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (830): View more from Texas

  You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (830): You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy http://tfl.nu/g7o4
  Replies (12) Good night (3927) Bad night (755) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (317): View more from Indiana

  disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (317): disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell http://tfl.nu/re5w
  Replies (11) Good night (3510) Bad night (487) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (404): View more from Georgia

  I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!

  (1-404): View more from Georgia

  what drugs are you on?

  (404): View more from Georgia

  none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (404): I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles! (1-404): what drugs are you on? (404): none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later http://tfl.nu/mtfu
  Replies (26) Good night (4962) Bad night (535)
• Favorite

  (310): View more from California

  We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (310): We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened. http://tfl.nu/spf0
  Replies (4) Good night (3088) Bad night (542) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (941): View more from Florida

  thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (941): thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated. http://tfl.nu/xw0x
  Replies (17) Good night (16133) Bad night (723) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (914): View more from New York

  Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (914): Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way. http://tfl.nu/3diq
  Replies (49) Good night (3182) Bad night (672)
• Favorite

  (773): View more from Illinois

  Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (773): Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize. http://tfl.nu/bs3u
  Replies (6) Good night (3350) Bad night (535) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (781): I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house. http://tfl.nu/8emi
  Replies (13) Good night (5161) Bad night (875)
• Favorite

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (978): almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card http://tfl.nu/wy4z
  Replies (19) Good night (5486) Bad night (707) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

  (1-508): View more from Massachusetts

  you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (508): awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation? (1-508): you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets. http://tfl.nu/hqfn
  Replies (95) Good night (38043) Bad night (1192)
• Favorite

  (720): View more from Colorado

  o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (720): o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket http://tfl.nu/nqxt
  Replies (76) Good night (36844) Bad night (1337) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (512): View more from Texas

  i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (512): i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT. http://tfl.nu/zq8a
  Replies (200) Good night (38522) Bad night (2837) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now. http://tfl.nu/5jdl
  Replies (13) Good night (5488) Bad night (747) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (240): View more from Maryland

  I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (240): I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good. http://tfl.nu/bq51
  Replies (96) Good night (26067) Bad night (1426)
• Favorite

  (706): View more from Georgia

  They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (706): They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods http://tfl.nu/a68f
  Replies (13) Good night (6601) Bad night (809) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (973): RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO (908) dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me http://tfl.nu/s889
  Replies (27) Good night (3752) Bad night (651)
• Favorite

  (586): View more from Michigan

  Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it

  (586): View more from Michigan

  We did he did.

  (586): View more from Michigan

  When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (586): Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it (586): We did he did. (586): When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers http://tfl.nu/dzfm
  Replies (6) Good night (1096) Bad night (273)
• Favorite

  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (608): Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her http://tfl.nu/en5u
  Replies (48) Good night (2373) Bad night (3074)
• Favorite

  (337): View more from Louisiana

  Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (337): Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times. http://tfl.nu/ao6t
  Replies (30) Good night (8921) Bad night (785)
• Favorite

  (817): View more from Texas

  Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (817): Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him. http://tfl.nu/25q8
  Replies (62) Good night (26356) Bad night (900) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (720): View more from Colorado

  I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (720): I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was http://tfl.nu/iq7q
  Replies (54) Good night (15851) Bad night (1586) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (510): View more from California

  You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (510): You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying http://tfl.nu/xlhu
  Replies (25) Good night (1759) Bad night (5699)
• Favorite

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (717): thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape. http://tfl.nu/7lpf
  Replies (8) Good night (3490) Bad night (625) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (434): View more from Virginia

  we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (434): we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino. http://tfl.nu/w9ni
  Replies (3) Good night (2589) Bad night (737) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (204): View more from Manitoba

  You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (204): You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head. http://tfl.nu/a92s
  Replies (25) Good night (4319) Bad night (767) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (913): View more from Kansas

  you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (913): you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast... http://tfl.nu/eo63
  Replies (9) Good night (4864) Bad night (531) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (502): View more from Kentucky

  Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (502): Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this. http://tfl.nu/29p7
  Replies (13) Good night (4047) Bad night (1036) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+44): He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.' http://tfl.nu/uc3v
  Replies (23) Good night (4537) Bad night (871) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (404): View more from Georgia

  FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night

  (1-404): View more from Georgia

  haha good one..how did you even know?

  (404): View more from Georgia

  we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (404): FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night (1-404): haha good one..how did you even know? (404): we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck. http://tfl.nu/dmh7
  Replies (46) Good night (4639) Bad night (993)
• Favorite

  (850): View more from Florida

  The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (850): The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight. http://tfl.nu/6ch9
  Replies (47) Good night (1538) Bad night (6659) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (720): View more from Colorado

  I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (720): I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time. http://tfl.nu/bucm
  Replies (5) Good night (3106) Bad night (889) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (310): View more from California

  it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (310): it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined http://tfl.nu/11oi
  Replies (15) Good night (8103) Bad night (516) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (847): View more from Illinois

  Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (847): Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot. http://tfl.nu/nyh6
  Replies (41) Good night (4272) Bad night (635) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (478): View more from Georgia

  yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (478): yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way" http://tfl.nu/67ib
  Replies (8) Good night (4248) Bad night (536) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (650): View more from California

  There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.

  (650): View more from California

  I tried to assassinate the ginger baby

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (650): There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide. (650): I tried to assassinate the ginger baby http://tfl.nu/c72u
  Replies (28) Good night (1348) Bad night (564)
• Favorite

  (216): View more from Ohio

  bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away

  (440): View more from Ohio

  isn't bella the cat???

  (216): View more from Ohio

  that she is

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (216): bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away (440): isn't bella the cat??? (216): that she is http://tfl.nu/l83t
  Replies (9) Good night (2498) Bad night (716)
• Favorite

  (818): View more from California

  They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (818): They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps... http://tfl.nu/7lmv
  Replies (15) Good night (2188) Bad night (3974) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (715): We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay. http://tfl.nu/aupb
  Replies (16) Good night (4583) Bad night (1006) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (443): View more from Maryland

  please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (443): please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow http://tfl.nu/myf2
  Replies (10) Good night (3781) Bad night (707) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (650): View more from California

  Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (650): Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother" http://tfl.nu/4czs
  Replies (13) Good night (6455) Bad night (1490) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (336): View more from North Carolina

  They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (336): They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays. http://tfl.nu/wrv2
  Replies (12) Good night (7238) Bad night (851) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (978): sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky http://tfl.nu/aofd
  Replies (17) Good night (4269) Bad night (812) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.

  (1-321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.

  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  no his phone, idiot.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (321): Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot. (1-321): he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn. (321): no his phone, idiot. http://tfl.nu/beyf
  Replies (43) Good night (8978) Bad night (578)
• Favorite

  (307): View more from Wyoming

  Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (307): Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again. http://tfl.nu/btf1
  Replies (60) Good night (7017) Bad night (959)
• Favorite

  (813): View more from Florida

  ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (813): ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions http://tfl.nu/w3os
  Replies (74) Good night (1154) Bad night (7666) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (818): View more from California

  Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (818): Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks http://tfl.nu/wbdh
  Replies (32) Good night (663) Bad night (6794) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (505): View more from New Mexico

  I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (505): I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight. http://tfl.nu/l9kd
  Replies (5) Good night (3759) Bad night (591)
• Favorite

  (913): View more from Kansas

  took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (913): took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine http://tfl.nu/51sq
  Replies (22) Good night (5119) Bad night (478) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (786): View more from Florida

  He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (786): He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets." http://tfl.nu/13ll
  Replies (17) Good night (7076) Bad night (770)
• Favorite

  (404): View more from Georgia

  I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (404): I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit. http://tfl.nu/bfom
  Replies (5) Good night (1076) Bad night (2688) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (213): View more from California

  You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (213): You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40 http://tfl.nu/gfeh
  Replies (6) Good night (3671) Bad night (982) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (714): View more from California

  Letd wlk him

  (714): View more from California

  Lrtd walek hime

  (714): View more from California

  Lets wlk home,,,ther we go

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (714): Letd wlk him (714): Lrtd walek hime (714): Lets wlk home,,,ther we go http://tfl.nu/cege
  Replies (32) Good night (4676) Bad night (452)
• Favorite

  (775): View more from Nevada

  So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (775): So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again. http://tfl.nu/ocrt
  Replies (67) Good night (7702) Bad night (1971)
• Favorite

  (619): View more from California

  You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (619): You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there. http://tfl.nu/abjc
  Replies (18) Good night (5031) Bad night (818) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (702): View more from Nevada

  You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (702): You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy http://tfl.nu/41n6
  Replies (11) Good night (3681) Bad night (595) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (412): She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you http://tfl.nu/82k6
  Replies (6) Good night (4206) Bad night (704)
• Favorite

  (207): View more from Maine

  I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (207): I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway? http://tfl.nu/bdir
  Replies (13) Good night (2151) Bad night (612)
• Favorite

  (702): View more from Nevada

  I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (702): I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me http://tfl.nu/i2q6
  Replies (41) Good night (2874) Bad night (508) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (765): View more from Indiana

  i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (765): i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER. http://tfl.nu/2z74
  Replies (25) Good night (6001) Bad night (756) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (603): You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing. http://tfl.nu/vk7w
  Replies (6) Good night (4126) Bad night (582) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (253): View more from Washington

  so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning

  (1-253): View more from Washington

  because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'

  (253): View more from Washington

  no more ever clear

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (253): so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning (1-253): because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha' (253): no more ever clear http://tfl.nu/f9lp
  Replies (33) Good night (7032) Bad night (686)
• Favorite

  (425): View more from Washington

  Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (425): Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while http://tfl.nu/c37v
  Replies (15) Good night (4378) Bad night (989) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (774): I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass. http://tfl.nu/6q4x
  Replies (27) Good night (10935) Bad night (831) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (817): View more from Texas

  I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (817): I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck. http://tfl.nu/i3zz
  Replies (15) Good night (7489) Bad night (802) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (402): View more from Nebraska

  I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (402): I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire. http://tfl.nu/9p46
  Replies (12) Good night (4731) Bad night (757) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (870): View more from Arkansas

  Chalk up having sex in a car wash.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (870): Chalk up having sex in a car wash. http://tfl.nu/k9pw
  Replies (11) Good night (2855) Bad night (562) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (510): View more from California

  listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (510): listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'. http://tfl.nu/236r
  Replies (20) Good night (3160) Bad night (799) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (914): View more from New York

  I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (914): I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what http://tfl.nu/90g1
  Replies (3) Good night (3535) Bad night (518) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (801): View more from Utah

  please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (801): please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist. http://tfl.nu/t4io
  Replies (26) Good night (8525) Bad night (807) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (609): Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny http://tfl.nu/e2zy
  Replies (23) Good night (2403) Bad night (892) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (214): View more from Texas

  No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (214): No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds. http://tfl.nu/2lul
  Replies (42) Good night (1593) Bad night (6240) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (540): View more from Virginia

  For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (540): For future references, orgasms clear sinuses. http://tfl.nu/b2l7
  Replies (24) Good night (7104) Bad night (821) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (910): View more from North Carolina

  there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (910): there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time.... http://tfl.nu/4vkt
  Replies (7) Good night (2680) Bad night (923) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (310): View more from California

  so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (310): so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood. http://tfl.nu/y4bu
  Replies (7) Good night (3489) Bad night (651)
• Favorite

  (310): View more from California

  thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!

  (1-310): View more from California

  you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (310): thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee! (1-310): you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right? http://tfl.nu/vyk6
  Replies (30) Good night (11087) Bad night (858) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (610): Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us http://tfl.nu/1uhw
  Replies (29) Good night (5853) Bad night (872) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (321): We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck. http://tfl.nu/5f0o
  Replies (24) Good night (9337) Bad night (1655)
• Favorite

  (559): View more from California

  Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (559): Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE http://tfl.nu/d6tf
  Replies (48) Good night (8000) Bad night (610) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (619): View more from California

  Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (619): Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich http://tfl.nu/k8p8
  Replies (14) Good night (5750) Bad night (839) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (719): View more from Colorado

  I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (719): I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever. http://tfl.nu/sr0q
  Replies (15) Good night (4449) Bad night (602)
• Favorite

  (239): View more from Florida

  Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (239): Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread. http://tfl.nu/62jg
  Replies (18) Good night (7446) Bad night (609) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (262): we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat. http://tfl.nu/5cls
  Replies (5) Good night (5242) Bad night (503) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (937): View more from Ohio

  she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.

  (1-937): View more from Ohio

  it's love

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (937): she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat. (1-937): it's love http://tfl.nu/getj
  Replies (16) Good night (4395) Bad night (559)
• Favorite

  (816): View more from Missouri

  We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (816): We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs. http://tfl.nu/qooi
  Replies (24) Good night (4381) Bad night (616) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (510): View more from California

  my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (510): my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice http://tfl.nu/x5d6
  Replies (4) Good night (1539) Bad night (275) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (612): I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda. http://tfl.nu/fjuw
  Replies (111) Good night (6324) Bad night (2126) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (306): I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes' http://tfl.nu/oxkp
  Replies (9) Good night (7185) Bad night (659) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (514): View more from Quebec

  maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (514): maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge http://tfl.nu/8cfm
  Replies (15) Good night (3516) Bad night (1088) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (304): View more from West Virginia

  You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (304): You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up http://tfl.nu/adeo
  Replies (34) Good night (6864) Bad night (667) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (406): View more from Montana

  Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (406): Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night http://tfl.nu/9n0e
  Replies (8) Good night (4963) Bad night (820) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (610): the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing. http://tfl.nu/gyso
  Replies (21) Good night (5853) Bad night (456) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (317): View more from Indiana

  He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...

  (1-317): View more from Indiana

  He's the fucking cop whisperer.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (317): He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him... (1-317): He's the fucking cop whisperer. http://tfl.nu/3vvt
  Replies (25) Good night (10386) Bad night (555)
• Favorite

  (281): View more from Texas

  Thanks for getting me home last night.

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (281): Thanks for getting me home last night. (832): No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa. http://tfl.nu/wftp
  Replies (29) Good night (8570) Bad night (715)
• Favorite

  (703): View more from Virginia

  help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (703): help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help. http://tfl.nu/t5wn
  Replies (11) Good night (348) Bad night (1276) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (828): Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid. http://tfl.nu/baq0
  Replies (2) Good night (795) Bad night (1690) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (828): View more from North Carolina

  you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (828): you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas. http://tfl.nu/fgpp
  Replies (10) Good night (5069) Bad night (733) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (336): View more from North Carolina

  do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?

  (828): View more from North Carolina

  how high are you?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (336): do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos? (828): how high are you? http://tfl.nu/9z76
  Replies (59) Good night (11569) Bad night (1258)
• Favorite

  (914): View more from New York

  She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (914): She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles. http://tfl.nu/pzt3
  Replies (19) Good night (1492) Bad night (5883) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (516): View more from New York

  its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (516): its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved http://tfl.nu/wek7
  Replies (11) Good night (4944) Bad night (1037) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (217): View more from Illinois

  some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (217): some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens http://tfl.nu/oucj
  Replies (19) Good night (5369) Bad night (369) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (314): View more from Missouri

  the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (314): the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick. http://tfl.nu/zpzn
  Replies (18) Good night (923) Bad night (5953) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (317): View more from Indiana

  I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (317): I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers http://tfl.nu/7izq
  Replies (31) Good night (5125) Bad night (441) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (512): View more from Texas

  Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (512): Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had. http://tfl.nu/4hqu
  Replies (30) Good night (7959) Bad night (461) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (212): View more from New York

  Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (212): Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did! http://tfl.nu/gcyx
  Replies (26) Good night (3610) Bad night (369) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (309): View more from Illinois

  I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (309): I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors. http://tfl.nu/cath
  Replies (10) Good night (10510) Bad night (619)
• Favorite

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (609): Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life. http://tfl.nu/eqwc
  Replies (34) Good night (1402) Bad night (3730)
• Favorite

  (913): View more from Kansas

  You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (913): You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy http://tfl.nu/fi9p
  Replies (11) Good night (4958) Bad night (801) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (402): View more from Nebraska

  what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers

  (1-402): View more from Nebraska

  are you high?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (402): what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers (1-402): are you high? http://tfl.nu/fjf1
  Replies (36) Good night (11700) Bad night (510) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (209): View more from California

  I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (209): I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him. http://tfl.nu/e78z
  Replies (25) Good night (7317) Bad night (686) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (353): View more from

  When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (353): When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head http://tfl.nu/g0x9
  Replies (14) Good night (1445) Bad night (2915) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (203): i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german. http://tfl.nu/cfoz
  Replies (18) Good night (6394) Bad night (553) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (902): you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face. http://tfl.nu/e2jp
  Replies (16) Good night (4735) Bad night (747) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (310): View more from California

  My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (310): My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra http://tfl.nu/y9he
  Replies (62) Good night (9218) Bad night (829) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (205): View more from Alabama

  Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (205): Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high. http://tfl.nu/wyb4
  Replies (15) Good night (4729) Bad night (634) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (816): View more from Missouri

  I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (816): I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste. http://tfl.nu/fckj
  Replies (32) Good night (5253) Bad night (675)
• Favorite

  (763): View more from Minnesota

  Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (763): Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub. http://tfl.nu/2fqf
  Replies (7) Good night (4179) Bad night (802) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (716): View more from New York

  You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (716): You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked. http://tfl.nu/6dqf
  Replies (28) Good night (1131) Bad night (4659) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (732): apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok" http://tfl.nu/q772
  Replies (19) Good night (3839) Bad night (1331) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (610): He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab. http://tfl.nu/orgb
  Replies (51) Good night (6273) Bad night (897) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  you definitely held a convo with a hobo

  (1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

  we have a secret handshake

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (610): you definitely held a convo with a hobo (1-610): we have a secret handshake http://tfl.nu/i4o5
  Replies (25) Good night (4049) Bad night (314) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (513): View more from Ohio

  You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (513): You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing. http://tfl.nu/rrc8
  Replies (76) Good night (41852) Bad night (1332) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (419): View more from Ohio

  take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (419): take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball. http://tfl.nu/c4b7
  Replies (11) Good night (1566) Bad night (407) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (804): View more from Virginia

  Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (804): Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday... http://tfl.nu/fzwu
  Replies (36) Good night (7549) Bad night (1049) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (509): View more from Washington

  I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (509): I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics http://tfl.nu/1cmu
  Replies (13) Good night (4536) Bad night (566) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (618): View more from Illinois

  Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (618): Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout. http://tfl.nu/q2nt
  Replies (41) Good night (8727) Bad night (916) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn

  (952): View more from Minnesota

  what?

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (612): i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn (952): what? (612): i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn http://tfl.nu/vdma
  Replies (29) Good night (7371) Bad night (556)
• Favorite

  (252): View more from North Carolina

  Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (252): Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot? http://tfl.nu/byc9
  Replies (14) Good night (4134) Bad night (610) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (870): View more from Arkansas

  At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (870): At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins! http://tfl.nu/8m62
  Replies (19) Good night (5522) Bad night (365)
• Favorite

  (520): View more from Arizona

  2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (520): 2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out. http://tfl.nu/1knp
  Replies (26) Good night (7047) Bad night (919) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (603): I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now http://tfl.nu/6uxz
  Replies (20) Good night (4729) Bad night (389) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (212): View more from New York

  Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (212): Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK http://tfl.nu/7q0x
  Replies (3) Good night (1061) Bad night (340) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (850): View more from Florida

  I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (850): I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized. http://tfl.nu/cbfh
  Replies (11) Good night (4656) Bad night (611) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (208): View more from Idaho

  Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (208): Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf http://tfl.nu/yxjw
  Replies (6) Good night (3421) Bad night (563) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (503): View more from Oregon

  I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (503): I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats. http://tfl.nu/4me1
  Replies (32) Good night (781) Bad night (5172) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.

  (1-612): View more from Minnesota

  Or a large amount of condoms?!?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (612): If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation. (1-612): Or a large amount of condoms?!? http://tfl.nu/muu8
  Replies (12) Good night (6059) Bad night (858) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (803): View more from South Carolina

  The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (803): The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german.... http://tfl.nu/l2d8
  Replies (41) Good night (12329) Bad night (693) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (713): View more from Texas

  I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (713): I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk http://tfl.nu/90hq
  Replies (7) Good night (1029) Bad night (2594) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (774): Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class. http://tfl.nu/k4fe
  Replies (26) Good night (6107) Bad night (426) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (703): View more from Virginia

  We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (703): We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along. http://tfl.nu/ex0g
  Replies (26) Good night (5847) Bad night (800) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (513): View more from Ohio

  Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (513): Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car? http://tfl.nu/e1cd
  Replies (4) Good night (2724) Bad night (636) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (319): View more from Iowa

  Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (319): Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really. http://tfl.nu/ok73
  Replies (11) Good night (3205) Bad night (749) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.

  (1-303): View more from Colorado

  that was a mass text, wasnt it?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared. (1-303): that was a mass text, wasnt it? http://tfl.nu/9i1u
  Replies (22) Good night (6745) Bad night (1114) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (440): View more from Ohio

  I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee

  (1-440): View more from Ohio

  please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (440): I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee (1-440): please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation http://tfl.nu/gydk
  Replies (78) Good night (5844) Bad night (6397) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  we need ur ladder

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (612): He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume (612): we need ur ladder http://tfl.nu/n9qh
  Replies (19) Good night (6635) Bad night (577)
• Favorite

  (630): View more from Illinois

  i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (630): i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons. http://tfl.nu/sim9
  Replies (38) Good night (4663) Bad night (589) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (219): View more from Indiana

  I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (219): I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry http://tfl.nu/lrp2
  Replies (21) Good night (944) Bad night (4199) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (704): Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker. http://tfl.nu/w3ss
  Replies (30) Good night (7459) Bad night (762)
• Favorite

  (585): View more from New York

  you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (585): you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it http://tfl.nu/37fg
  Replies (17) Good night (4277) Bad night (955) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (094): View more from

  After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (094): After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while. http://tfl.nu/x4in
  Replies (3) Good night (2540) Bad night (704)
• Favorite

  (417): View more from Missouri

  He has such a weird drunk-voice.

  (1-417): View more from Missouri

  dude, he's deaf.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (417): He has such a weird drunk-voice. (1-417): dude, he's deaf. http://tfl.nu/4u2p
  Replies (23) Good night (501) Bad night (1213) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (631): View more from New York

  Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (631): Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells? http://tfl.nu/xi2s
  Replies (3) Good night (3139) Bad night (641)
• Favorite

  (605): View more from South Dakota

  I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (605): I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF? http://tfl.nu/tx7k
  Replies (14) Good night (5471) Bad night (745) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (760): View more from California

  I wish they had nachos that got you drunk

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (760): I wish they had nachos that got you drunk http://tfl.nu/1jvf
  Replies (17) Good night (4131) Bad night (363) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (412): I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on. http://tfl.nu/5fm3
  Replies (30) Good night (9750) Bad night (1242) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (917): View more from New York City

  did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?

  (914): View more from New York

  you mean faeutihaers?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (917): did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night? (914): you mean faeutihaers? http://tfl.nu/mcba
  Replies (34) Good night (10150) Bad night (901)
• Favorite

  (305): View more from Florida

  I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?

  (1-305): View more from Florida

  Seriously?

  (305): View more from Florida

  100%

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (305): I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox? (1-305): Seriously? (305): 100% http://tfl.nu/w2fu
  Replies (15) Good night (6403) Bad night (781)
• Favorite

  (469): View more from Texas

  You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (469): You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that. http://tfl.nu/9raa
  Replies (12) Good night (5241) Bad night (464)
• Favorite

  (805): View more from California

  peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (805): peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees. http://tfl.nu/j4sn
  Replies (11) Good night (2288) Bad night (323) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (859): View more from Kentucky

  i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (859): i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey http://tfl.nu/w11j
  Replies (6) Good night (2808) Bad night (517) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (917): View more from New York City

  you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (917): you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar http://tfl.nu/kodl
  Replies (29) Good night (6730) Bad night (430) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (818): View more from California

  We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (818): We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings. http://tfl.nu/9pm8
  Replies (26) Good night (5489) Bad night (951) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (858): View more from California

  in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (858): in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby" http://tfl.nu/q8vs
  Replies (54) Good night (1586) Bad night (4351) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (307): View more from Wyoming

  The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (307): The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though. http://tfl.nu/bysz
  Replies (8) Good night (734) Bad night (2944) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (913): View more from Kansas

  The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (913): The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them. http://tfl.nu/9puy
  Replies (22) Good night (7851) Bad night (439) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (206): View more from Washington

  I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole

  (425): View more from Washington

  There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (206): I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole (425): There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian http://tfl.nu/pttl
  Replies (97) Good night (1885) Bad night (22883)
• Favorite

  (516): View more from New York

  onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?

  (443): View more from Maryland

  he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (516): onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please? (443): he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag? http://tfl.nu/5o6h
  Replies (132) Good night (12125) Bad night (24665)
• Favorite

  (802): View more from Vermont

  I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (802): I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck. http://tfl.nu/89bk
  Replies (154) Good night (1243) Bad night (39405) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (310): View more from California

  ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (310): ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude. http://tfl.nu/5a88
  Replies (174) Good night (5431) Bad night (77619) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (573): View more from Missouri

  I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (573): I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use." http://tfl.nu/1qa0
  Replies (8) Good night (5228) Bad night (515) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (516): View more from New York

  you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (516): you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers http://tfl.nu/btsl
  Replies (12) Good night (4568) Bad night (407) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (978): just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors http://tfl.nu/9psa
  Replies (65) Good night (15740) Bad night (895) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (214): View more from Texas

  1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (214): 1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you http://tfl.nu/har0
  Replies (34) Good night (6830) Bad night (423) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (585): View more from New York

  we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (585): we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist http://tfl.nu/e75m
  Replies (19) Good night (6565) Bad night (484) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (301): View more from Maryland

  i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (301): i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test http://tfl.nu/616n
  Replies (130) Good night (19413) Bad night (1777) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (601): View more from Mississippi

  Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (601): Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away. http://tfl.nu/uxou
  Replies (60) Good night (3126) Bad night (386)
• Favorite

  (802): View more from Vermont

  you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (802): you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv. http://tfl.nu/a1rt
  Replies (15) Good night (5263) Bad night (580) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (440): View more from Ohio

  The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (440): The ticket read "Found nude in a tree" http://tfl.nu/6rf6
  Replies (45) Good night (45516) Bad night (1783) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (352): View more from Florida

  i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (352): i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE http://tfl.nu/5phb
  Replies (178) Good night (48648) Bad night (1814)
• Favorite

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (717): hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands http://tfl.nu/c6ww
  Replies (83) Good night (46881) Bad night (1718) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (330): View more from Ohio

  First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (330): First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down http://tfl.nu/yeuq
  Replies (206) Good night (49048) Bad night (2219) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (401): This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am? http://tfl.nu/ppdn
  Replies (114) Good night (62694) Bad night (3539) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (757): View more from Virginia

  At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (757): At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP." http://tfl.nu/p091
  Replies (292) Good night (69182) Bad night (1983) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (847): View more from Illinois

  i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (847): i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out. http://tfl.nu/gev3
  Replies (499) Good night (82810) Bad night (7565)
• Favorite

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (919): so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog. http://tfl.nu/73qd
  Replies (434) Good night (107944) Bad night (8843) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (519): View more from Ontario

  and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba" http://tfl.nu/uoap
  Replies (816) Good night (136702) Bad night (8407) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (310): View more from California

  Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (310): Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on? http://tfl.nu/pffh
  Replies (54) Good night (9445) Bad night (642) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (423): View more from Tennessee

  you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell

  (901): View more from Tennessee

  thats the international knock for joint time

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (423): you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell (901): thats the international knock for joint time http://tfl.nu/xbry
  Replies (7) Good night (3850) Bad night (629)
• Favorite

  (816): View more from Missouri

  I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (816): I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry. http://tfl.nu/d5bh
  Replies (3) Good night (2315) Bad night (864) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (484): we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard http://tfl.nu/y3gw
  Replies (11) Good night (8051) Bad night (590) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (613): View more from Ontario

  I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (613): I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked http://tfl.nu/dann
  Replies (6) Good night (3277) Bad night (679) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+03): View more from

  Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+03): Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here' http://tfl.nu/86hi
  Replies (14) Good night (6142) Bad night (1057)
• Favorite

  (757): View more from Virginia

  Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (757): Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow" http://tfl.nu/vtnd
  Replies (7) Good night (2694) Bad night (548)
• Favorite

  (218): View more from Minnesota

  all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (218): all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly. http://tfl.nu/l2e8
  Replies (14) Good night (4469) Bad night (653) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (239): View more from Florida

  You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (239): You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house. http://tfl.nu/7m77
  Replies (8) Good night (3782) Bad night (566) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (815): View more from Illinois

  im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (815): im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine http://tfl.nu/4lyn
  Replies (27) Good night (5499) Bad night (855) Order T-Shirt