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I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Barsexuality is the new black.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Just cropdusted the office
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
i would punch a child for taco bell
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
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