he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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