Texts From Last Night · bitchazzz's Favorites

Sorry raynie_27 hasn't picked any favorites yet.

bitchazzz's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(956): View more from Texas

He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...

Fav 12 4771 1205
share tweet
(408): View more from California

The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.

(408): View more from California

You've ruined television for me.

Fav 4 2853 1205
share tweet

(240): View more from Maryland

All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.

Fav 7 2624 1088
share tweet
(606): View more from Kentucky

VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS

Fav 3 2694 1042
share tweet
(916): View more from California

In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?

(1-916): View more from California

Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.

Fav 11 5394 1181
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.

Fav 4 2274 1093
share tweet

(208): View more from Idaho

drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.

Fav 4 2229 876
share tweet

(416): View more from Toronto

juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.

Fav 12 1901 1120
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.

Fav 9 3103 1223
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.

Fav 3 2624 889
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.

Fav 9 6488 1280
share tweet

(714): View more from California

BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.

Fav 8 2707 1184
share tweet

(713): View more from Texas

Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.

Fav 7 3324 1516
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.

Fav 11 2829 1339
share tweet

(+64): View more from New Zealand

I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.

Fav 5 3940 1239
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

did mom hear me barking???

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

sooo high. sooo many dog friends

Fav 7 3958 1091
share tweet
(408): View more from California

This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.

Fav 8 4546 1116
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter

Fav 5 2901 1015
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside

Fav 21 3436 1462
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm

Fav 2 3243 1005
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.

(616): View more from Michigan

I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?

Fav 4 3297 1780
share tweet
(619): View more from California

he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up

Fav 5 2426 1298
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.

Fav 21 4741 1525
share tweet
(763): View more from Minnesota

I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.

Fav 7 2811 1454
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.

Fav 3 2985 1293
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.

(248): View more from Michigan

There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.

Fav 5 2886 1218
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

no you cant smoke seaweed

Fav 40 5856 1699
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.

Fav 13 4259 1317
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis

Fav 13 3671 1066
share tweet
(661): View more from California

1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.

(1-661): View more from California

1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up

Fav 12 4807 1436
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.

Fav 16 5791 1560
share tweet
(925): View more from California

She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.

Fav 3 3083 1319
share tweet
(714): View more from California

Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww

Fav 13 4188 1610
share tweet
(818): View more from California

I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project

Fav 6 2948 1519
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.

Fav 7 2759 1266
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.

(440): View more from Ohio

its Wednesday...

(315): View more from New York

they're reeeeeally big trays

Fav 7 3264 1216
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel

Fav 11 2654 1333
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..

Fav 8 1316 2316
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am

Fav 11 2886 1854
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases

Fav 14 5461 1637
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.

Fav 9 5257 1446
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.

Fav 23 6322 941
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."

Fav 5 2969 1654
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.

Fav 11 3135 1621
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.

Fav 1 2873 1018
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.

Fav 8 5413 1243
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.

Fav 9 2939 1348
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.

Fav 4 2186 1537
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.

Fav 33 3427 2734
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...

Fav 12 4978 1518
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"

Fav 12 4193 1231
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged

Fav 16 5134 3192
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.

Fav 23 4078 1497
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.

Fav 8 3037 1140
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother

Fav 14 3561 1363
share tweet
(979): View more from Texas

his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.

Fav 15 4406 1464
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US

(281): View more from Texas

WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW

(281): View more from Texas

THE REISLING ATRACEX US

Fav 21 2418 1502
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.

Fav 12 4212 1469
share tweet
(915): View more from Texas

and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.

Fav 7 3835 1528
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.

Fav 12 3958 1390
share tweet
(559): View more from California

With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.

Fav 6 3619 957
share tweet
(571): View more from Virginia

capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.

Fav 9 4047 849
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE

Fav 21 4459 1910
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?

Fav 42 3103 1265
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

happy early fathers day!!!

(829): View more from Dominican Rep

im not a father

(843): View more from South Carolina

about that...

Fav 225 8814 73990
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...

(1-317): View more from Indiana

He's the fucking cop whisperer.

Fav 25 11788 1402
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.

Fav 6 3833 948
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.

Fav 36 5029 1332
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.

Fav 26 9014 1785
share tweet
(228): View more from Mississippi

yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations

Fav 16 5909 908
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.

Fav 11 3416 924
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.

Fav 8 1286 3489
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

There r osticjed everywhere

Fav 12 2032 1379
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me

(1-313): View more from Michigan

restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch

Fav 10 1432 2321
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.

Fav 13 917 3991
share tweet
(915): View more from Texas

You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs

Fav 10 2798 1866
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment

Fav 9 5348 2336
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant

Fav 29 1523 6182
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari

Fav 22 1370 3023
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares

Fav 22 6980 1190
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!

Fav 8 3767 1385
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.

Fav 15 7401 1221
share tweet
(530): View more from California

And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?

Fav 6 2196 1304
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.

Fav 11 2993 1334
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?

Fav 4 2411 1607
share tweet
(334): View more from Alabama

How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.

Fav 11 4314 1177
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.

Fav 12 3638 1214
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.

Fav 5 3349 1263
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"

Fav 33 8717 1191
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love

Fav 14 4186 1530
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?

(303): View more from Colorado

He told her it was international road head day.

Fav 11 5639 1468
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.

Fav 5 3723 1504
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u

Fav 21 4497 1333
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?

Fav 10 3517 1222
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

Chalk up having sex in a car wash.

Fav 11 3411 1118
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it

Fav 29 7315 1616
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.

Fav 22 9105 1246
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny

Fav 23 2914 1407
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration

Fav 12 2705 1405
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume

(612): View more from Minnesota

we need ur ladder

Fav 19 7671 1364
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"

Fav 12 2730 1493
share tweet
(252): View more from North Carolina

My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.

Fav 19 1515 3354
share tweet
(858): View more from California

Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts

Fav 17 7129 1293
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL

Fav 6 3375 997
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.

Fav 2 1251 2533
share tweet
(415): View more from California

I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.

Fav 32 1309 4442
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

Fav 134 45579 2414
share tweet
(714): View more from California

we're chasing vodka with high fives

Fav 38 17869 1486
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression

Fav 3 1292 3270
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...

Fav 2 3613 1116
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"

Fav 8 3228 1111
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.

Fav 13 4629 2147
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey

Fav 3 4218 1049
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.

Fav 32 5908 1281
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.

Fav 8 1468 4261
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.

Fav 9 5590 1441
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now

Fav 35 7768 1255
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

Dave a horae rider a coqw boy

Fav 11 4378 1341
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?

Fav 5 3534 1130
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.

Fav 12 2628 868
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.

Fav 15 3807 1960
share tweet
(575): View more from New Mexico

My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.

Fav 13 5220 1446
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake

Fav 50 6229 1369
share tweet
(+30): View more from

Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi

Fav 13 6494 1551
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

the vacuum is drunk

(703): View more from Virginia

what?

(908): View more from New Jersey

i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk

Fav 17 3099 1075
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there

Fav 14 7182 1364
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.

Fav 5 3696 1154
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments

Fav 8 2796 1282
share tweet
(408): View more from California

When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.

Fav 26 9447 1145
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.

Fav 9 5243 1646
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.

Fav 4 3316 1294
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.

Fav 7 3934 924
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.

Fav 16 6781 1403
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Ben's a prick.

(1-404): View more from Georgia

What Ben are you talking about?

(404): View more from Georgia

All the bens across all the lands

Fav 153 3138 2428
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.

Fav 4 2851 1402
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee

Fav 20 8977 1505
share tweet
(650): View more from California

I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.

Fav 11 2381 1089
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.

Fav 20 3894 1028
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa

Fav 13 3525 1455
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...

Fav 17 5596 2285
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.

Fav 5 4612 1068
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up

Fav 35 7992 1547
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again

Fav 14 3424 2470
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.

Fav 4 3460 1373
share tweet
(980): View more from North Carolina

My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.

Fav 11 3055 1271
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

the ceiling is raining jello shotss

Fav 4 4179 1288
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.

Fav 15 4200 1340
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself

Fav 6 3913 1407
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears

Fav 21 7677 1270
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.

Fav 44 10555 1569
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty

Fav 19 1535 7158
share tweet
(408): View more from California

Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.

Fav 15 2951 1339
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.

Fav 7 8371 2527
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.

Fav 4 1292 3386
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.

Fav 5 4367 1243
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

porn star boner night. come get it.

Fav 5 3061 1071
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.

Fav 9 5252 1194
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?

Fav 16 6198 1375
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.

Fav 26 6475 1325
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.

Fav 12 3715 1323
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.

Fav 7 5870 1325
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser

Fav 16 4700 1134
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?

Fav 50 1977 9066
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

how do you spell 'special'? like slow?

(210): View more from Texas

S P E L L C H E C K

(808): View more from Hawaii

No you dumbass thats not right

Fav 14 3683 1260
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you

Fav 10 1936 3844
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.

Fav 17 8133 976
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

Why are my keys in the refrigerator?

(1-205): View more from Alabama

You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.

(205): View more from Alabama

This explains so much.

Fav 30 19142 1552
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.

Fav 27 16989 1528
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes

Fav 15 2484 4784
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!

(678): View more from Georgia

correction: escorted out

Fav 23 5576 1325
share tweet
(951): View more from California

At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?

Fav 18 5284 1434
share tweet
(805): View more from California

peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.

Fav 11 2875 838
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself

(207): View more from Maine

OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE

(781): View more from Massachusetts

Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...

Fav 27 1262 4172
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat

Fav 56 16525 2168
share tweet
(985): View more from Louisiana

If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.

Fav 12 5853 936
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle

Fav 23 1026 1792
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.

Fav 6 2883 2133
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children

(1-802): View more from Vermont

actually, i try not to think about it

(802): View more from Vermont

and i pooped them out

Fav 54 8387 2195
share tweet
(916): View more from California

I hate ducks.

(916): View more from California

What?

(916): View more from California

they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.

Fav 55 3869 1187
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

fucking a dude

(703): View more from Virginia

i mean: fucking a, dude

(703): View more from Virginia

wow, that comma made all the difference there

Fav 93 11883 1514
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink

Fav 9 6735 1597
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?

(1-630): View more from Illinois

Are you high?

Fav 21 7058 1563
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.

Fav 20 4819 1263
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.

Fav 14 4874 1148
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.

Fav 7 1693 3037
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

maybe i'll see you again later :)

(774): View more from Massachusetts

I'd rather shit a knife.

Fav 50 2316 11481
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time

Fav 19 2876 923
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.

Fav 20 7157 1054
share tweet
(786): View more from Florida

If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up

Fav 14 5791 1622
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name

Fav 12 4112 1435
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.

Fav 76 22593 1879
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.

(1-360): View more from Washington

I absolutely love you.

Fav 40 11103 1145
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground

Fav 22 1401 4654
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.

Fav 74 4312 18528
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do

Fav 13 2712 1153
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them

Fav 30 5691 1967
share tweet
(857): View more from Massachusetts

other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other

Fav 10 1848 3091
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far

Fav 11 6169 1598
share tweet
(562): View more from California

you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.

Fav 8 5900 1340
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids

Fav 25 10803 1901
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.

Fav 27 3158 1159
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby

Fav 13 4686 1838
share tweet
(334): View more from Alabama

I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.

Fav 41 13009 1999
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner

Fav 20 5161 967
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of

Fav 10 3903 1228
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco

Fav 18 3443 1761
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie

Fav 5 3322 1064
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now

Fav 41 6859 1589
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.

Fav 15 5332 1389
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit

Fav 12 4565 1308
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.

Fav 20 3589 3060
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?

Fav 39 6276 1448
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.

Fav 4 3181 2002
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.

Fav 5 3737 1439
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.

Fav 10 3818 1693
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors

Fav 25 3091 1127
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car

Fav 22 7497 1094
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying

(203): View more from Connecticut

but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she

Fav 34 4957 1257
share tweet
(209): View more from California

what is college for if not random hookup sex?

(951): View more from California

learning.

(209): View more from California

i would literally fuck learning if i could.

Fav 50 9985 1276
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for

Fav 31 5526 1381
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

She is in my trunk

Fav 7 2122 1224
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

i would punch a child for taco bell

Fav 41 5931 1400
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok

Fav 7 3550 1249
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.

Fav 12 5792 1433
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.

Fav 9 7030 1510
share tweet
(712): View more from Iowa

The police scanner is talking about you again....

Fav 17 9086 1768
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

I hate your face

Fav 7 2768 2767
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

Everybody was literally kung fu fighting

Fav 33 11056 1290
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.

Fav 35 6125 1008
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.

Fav 71 26943 1799
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.

Fav 18 1512 3961
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.

Fav 6 3827 1098
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize

Fav 19 7684 1409
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.

Fav 58 6626 1127
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.

Fav 14 1472 4907
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.

Fav 160 13868 2197
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.

(504): View more from Louisiana

Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.

Fav 196 2463 17275
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.

Fav 21 6849 1613
share tweet
(551): View more from New Jersey

1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.

Fav 51 6431 1067
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?

Fav 43 9639 2747
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.

Fav 11 5504 828
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.

Fav 13 6499 1689
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

so when am I gonna get some from you?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

when you dick grows 3 inches

Fav 74 2347 9280
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.

Fav 26 4305 1040
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

I think im going to throw up on grandma

Fav 3 1061 2820
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?

Fav 7 5093 1251
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?

(619): View more from California

hahahahahahahahahahaha

Fav 45 3669 1415
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again

Fav 25 7025 1609
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"

Fav 20 7275 1430
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.

Fav 45 10963 4724
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!

Fav 8 4957 1123
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes

(1-260): View more from Indiana

Are your eyes okay

(260): View more from Indiana

I mean if I was Asian they would be

Fav 8 2673 1045
share tweet
(661): View more from California

I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me

Fav 25 11707 1445
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.

Fav 64 29358 1878
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.

Fav 9 1193 4642
share tweet
(818): View more from California

Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around

Fav 9 3867 1574
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining

Fav 11 6366 1407
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

Just mADE A PArabola og urine

Fav 9 1953 839
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.

Fav 8 3986 1207
share tweet
(916): View more from California

Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.

Fav 17 1366 5704
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am

Fav 26 6131 1149
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino

Fav 8 953 3280
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.

(631): View more from New York

what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK

Fav 34 7585 1641
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis

Fav 22 4153 975
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded

Fav 8 888 1144
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.

Fav 7 3617 1434
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.

Fav 14 5365 1424
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know

(1-989): View more from Michigan

no

Fav 27 1769 5921
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu

Fav 36 1048 5299
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore

Fav 14 4144 1124
share tweet
(906): View more from Michigan

It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again

Fav 22 2664 5510
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you

(248): View more from Michigan

Gross. gingers suck

Fav 18 1518 2173
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.

Fav 13 5866 1307
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.

Fav 39 12257 1750
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I cockslap morals

Fav 5 3443 846
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Rock

(630): View more from Illinois

Scissors

(630): View more from Illinois

Fuck

Fav 15 3062 1296
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.

Fav 7 3436 1175
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.

Fav 10 1766 4030
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum

(212): View more from New York

i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls

Fav 8 1290 1776
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.

Fav 7 3126 1448
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes

Fav 41 5678 1312
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.

Fav 28 17225 1869
share tweet
(416): View more from Ontario

So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.

Fav 91 2370 10205
share tweet
(660): View more from Missouri

Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.

Fav 9 4429 1204
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him

Fav 15 5209 1216
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.

Fav 20 8777 1413
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.

Fav 23 5931 1184
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster

Fav 86 1341 4079
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

God, you're like boner-b-gone

Fav 10 1545 5949
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.

Fav 25 2552 6032
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?

(770): View more from Georgia

I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle

Fav 32 3953 1036
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.

Fav 39 17892 2061
share tweet
(858): View more from California

He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.

Fav 11 2431 839
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.

Fav 8 3172 1474
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.

Fav 19 5002 1528
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.

(720): View more from Colorado

ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...

(917): View more from New York City

no it doesn't.

Fav 34 19333 1854
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.

Fav 4 1178 3133
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

Whod you bang

Fav 7 3036 1212
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.

Fav 14 2835 883
share tweet
(714): View more from California

I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious

Fav 22 7484 1434
share tweet
(949): View more from California

i just wanna soil my oats bro

Fav 8 1149 873
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.

Fav 6 3396 1193
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?

Fav 20 5476 1376
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?

Fav 23 3264 2057
share tweet
(408): View more from California

i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.

Fav 16 1211 6080
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf

Fav 44 15607 1981
share tweet
(707): View more from California

I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.

Fav 4 3161 1189
share tweet
(530): View more from California

just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life

Fav 28 8139 1044
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.

Fav 18 7738 1190
share tweet
(323): View more from California

Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.

Fav 6 3880 1121
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong

Fav 17 5986 792
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.

Fav 35 1318 3167
share tweet
(661): View more from California

i wish semen tasted like chocolate

Fav 61 8394 1425
share tweet
(339): View more from Massachusetts

today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.

Fav 22 4202 963
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.

Fav 6 4799 1259
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever

Fav 22 11145 2456
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.

Fav 33 1903 5438
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them

Fav 12 928 3763
share tweet
(276): View more from Virginia

Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck

Fav 72 4521 1130
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra

Fav 25 1289 4064
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.

Fav 3 5137 1295
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.

Fav 48 7994 1461
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

The pine trees are waving at me.

(907): View more from Alaska

Put the pipe down honey.

(253): View more from Washington

Hi trees.

Fav 17 8659 2178
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity

Fav 6 3427 1440
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Fuck 8am classes

(330): View more from Ohio

Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes

Fav 15 4452 1917
share tweet
(707): View more from California

why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?

Fav 15 6591 1663
share tweet
(562): View more from California

he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.

Fav 13 4755 1371
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.

Fav 18 6755 1311
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME

Fav 5 1645 979
share tweet
(650): View more from California

There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.

(650): View more from California

I tried to assassinate the ginger baby

Fav 28 2197 1262
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

How are you feeling today?

(330): View more from Ohio

i could've thrown up on command at any point today...

Fav 10 1408 4871
share tweet
(650): View more from California

Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.

Fav 31 14424 1399
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party

(423): View more from Tennessee

so no drinking for you?

(615): View more from Tennessee

don't be silly

Fav 50 9959 1256
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot

Fav 14 4876 1428
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.

Fav 67 3645 1040
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.

Fav 28 4085 1559
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.

Fav 6 5976 1385
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"

Fav 7 7348 1432
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.

Fav 10 11656 1467
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.

Fav 16 12283 1357
share tweet
(916): View more from California

He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.

Fav 15 5519 1636
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.

Fav 31 7273 1273
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Can i not drive my cunt home

Fav 5 972 1167
share tweet
(818): View more from California

i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do

Fav 40 1445 4983
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often

Fav 5 3488 1203
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

New game: find the sober person in Tbell

Fav 8 4869 1156
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries

Fav 17 4950 1356
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"

Fav 54 11252 2128
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out

Fav 42 11448 1729
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something

Fav 35 6127 2238
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt

Fav 35 3757 7144
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.

Fav 38 8361 1415
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.

Fav 34 9817 1373
share tweet
(807): View more from Ontario

I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.

Fav 46 7734 1415
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.

Fav 96 13848 2782
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.

(376): View more from

you are insane

Fav 12 4027 1316
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.

Fav 18 4681 987
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.

Fav 59 5518 1112
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.

Fav 13 8396 1571
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...

Fav 7 4541 1181
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude

Fav 12 1984 3786
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".

Fav 210 33068 3529
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer

Fav 31 11666 1813
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

True but thats because hes a fetus.

Fav 6 906 1211
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.

Fav 14 882 4376
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

what's Bukake?

(1-513): View more from Ohio

a bad idea.

Fav 31 1656 3336
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.

Fav 27 6805 1688
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.

Fav 36 8703 1646
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

love makes seman taste better

Fav 38 4977 1227
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

(443): View more from Maryland

wasted?

(410): View more from Maryland

im pocohantasssss

Fav 109 45416 2757
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls

Fav 5 1064 2940
share tweet
(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

Fav 54 75097 3011
share tweet
(251): View more from Alabama

you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you

Fav 58 12695 1532
share tweet
(323): View more from California

I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.

Fav 16 5844 1048
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?

Fav 13 3612 1266
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy

Fav 10 3747 1306
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick

Fav 18 2194 5918
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize

Fav 17 4470 1814
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.

Fav 46 10718 1842
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

Fav 510 88714 9688
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.

(1-313): View more from Michigan

I would love to give you more rug burn

Fav 5 2481 757
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix

Fav 35 7850 1579
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous

Fav 15 5692 1656
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska

Fav 67 1029 4275
share tweet
(818): View more from California

he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror

Fav 14 6599 2076
share tweet
(714): View more from California

my room smells like sperm. sweet.

Fav 14 1232 2839
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.

Fav 30 1823 13440
share tweet
(858): View more from California

I like my sex mixed with concussions.

Fav 6 1394 936
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA

Fav 14 5120 1030
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

i barfeds in our rink

Fav 8 1061 2635
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.

Fav 35 1322 6997
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage

Fav 22 2076 7628
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.

Fav 12 7369 1462
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

What'd you guys eat?

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

Literally everything that was frozen.

Fav 8 4389 1191
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

I will die if light touches me.

Fav 18 1593 959
share tweet
(951): View more from California

I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to

Fav 24 1442 5102
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.

Fav 35 5000 948
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

You're my little dorito

Fav 4 2038 995
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

tequila makes me forget i have legs

Fav 25 6425 1631
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.

Fav 51 26506 1662
share tweet
(805): View more from California

Soap is not a condiment

Fav 6 882 1273
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish

Fav 17 8745 1245
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."

(202): View more from Washington, DC

buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.

Fav 34 16509 1559
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.

Fav 11 5918 2177
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.

Fav 14 6903 1392
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.

Fav 58 15472 2160
share tweet
(912): View more from Georgia

I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.

Fav 17 4838 1399
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word

Fav 57 4588 1367
share tweet
(763): View more from Minnesota

dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve

(608): View more from Wisconsin

clearly you are not from wisconsin

Fav 104 8079 1180
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight

Fav 50 13557 1913
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint

(203): View more from Connecticut

i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you

Fav 10 5657 1573
share tweet
(760): View more from California

fuck your aforementioned shoe

Fav 27 4796 972
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

You drinking a lot?

(1-850): View more from Florida

No.

(1-850): View more from Florida

Define a lot

Fav 15 3306 875
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her

(860): View more from Connecticut

but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"

(860): View more from Connecticut

but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies

Fav 42 3055 1390
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

i can't find my house

(1-845): View more from New York

we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.

(845): View more from New York

i'm pretty sure my house moved.

Fav 51 14290 1960
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.

Fav 101 1941 4902
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?

(914): View more from New York

you mean faeutihaers?

Fav 34 11173 1669
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!

Fav 11 1732 876
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.

Fav 19 6447 1521
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.

Fav 40 1286 12446
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now

Fav 58 1593 13527
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions

Fav 7 4455 1299
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life

(619): View more from California

with a huge shlong

(440): View more from Ohio

massive. i wanna make bitches cry

Fav 39 6206 1148
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..

Fav 22 3300 1478
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

i have to get rid of the hedgehog.

(765): View more from Indiana

Does it come with a cage?

(201): View more from New Jersey

yes. and food and toys.

(765): View more from Indiana

i'll trade you an 8th for it

(201): View more from New Jersey

deal.

Fav 26 10302 1576
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.

Fav 26 5206 934
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike

(303): View more from Colorado

you still have morals?

(443): View more from Maryland

Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole

Fav 46 10200 1911
share tweet
(310): View more from California

My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra

Fav 62 10062 1460
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

What happened to the watermelon?

(1-314): View more from Missouri

You fucked it.

Fav 15 2520 4876
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall

Fav 43 12107 1196
share tweet
(408): View more from California

booty call

(925): View more from California

i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.

Fav 60 1526 6327
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go

Fav 15 5653 1769
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?

Fav 24 7804 1456
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.

Fav 20 3280 2227
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.

Fav 50 948 6188
share tweet
(408): View more from California

just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious

Fav 11 4779 847
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

i may or may not be watching the land before time

Fav 40 7601 1179
share tweet
(415): View more from California

I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."

Fav 75 1634 5531
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.

Fav 18 4522 1432
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.

Fav 264 3074 28090
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.

Fav 13 5038 1527
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

it glows. i had to have it.

Fav 14 5855 1360
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.

Fav 158 2950 13039
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.

Fav 24 1574 4924
share tweet
(925): View more from California

don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement

(510): View more from California

big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.

Fav 11 6997 1567
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls

Fav 12 5147 1303
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up

Fav 26 4774 1047
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.

Fav 14 5274 1033
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.

Fav 12 2837 6332
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?

Fav 46 5854 1739
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar

Fav 12 3418 2398
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.

Fav 39 2146 5762
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad

Fav 40 6143 1034
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick

Fav 69 15077 4261
share tweet
(857): View more from Massachusetts

So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.

(617): View more from Massachusetts

And why did you do that?

(857): View more from Massachusetts

Tequila

Fav 7 4097 1088
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.

Fav 10 7980 1303
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.

Fav 24 4861 2319
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.

Fav 25 1744 3343
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.

Fav 73 7888 1174
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.

Fav 19 9502 1633
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.

Fav 24 2422 4896
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Just fell off a train. Bad.

Fav 3 1090 1490
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york

Fav 13 3269 948
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.

Fav 13 4811 1537
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash

Fav 16 2891 910
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

I feel like half our conversations start this way.

Fav 16 6461 1156
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.

Fav 13 1419 2702
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.

Fav 19 5776 1295
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

why does my vagina smell like weed?

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

omg thats a great idea

Fav 30 4640 1092
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

i want to fuck

(320): View more from Minnesota

?

(701): View more from North Dakota

it's pretty self explanatory

Fav 62 7964 1296
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.

Fav 31 5327 2327
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls

(763): View more from Minnesota

is that a poem?!

Fav 55 7866 2263
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"

Fav 17 5575 1079
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...

Fav 19 2888 1120
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying

Fav 8 3664 4436
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.

(1-908): View more from New Jersey

you should have been aborted.

Fav 19 4543 1378
share tweet
(510): View more from California

He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.

Fav 27 1571 8036
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now

Fav 82 27582 2040
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

Fav 125 48824 2422
share tweet
(415): View more from California

dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.

Fav 25 9647 1672
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.

Fav 10 5310 1943
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Say it nicely.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?

Fav 51 17094 1832
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

Fav 185 53788 3106
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

Fav 131 63492 2874
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

Fav 298 76383 3431
share tweet