Tap Here to view the Mobile Optimized TFLN
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
no you cant smoke seaweed
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
There r osticjed everywhere
I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
we're chasing vodka with high fives
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
porn star boner night. come get it.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
She is in my trunk
i would punch a child for taco bell
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I hate your face
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I cockslap morals
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
God, you're like boner-b-gone
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Whod you bang
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
i just wanna soil my oats bro
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Can i not drive my cunt home
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
True but thats because hes a fetus.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
love makes seman taste better
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i barfeds in our rink
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I will die if light touches me.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
You're my little dorito
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Soap is not a condiment
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
fuck your aforementioned shoe
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Favorite