Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
