We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
God, you're like boner-b-gone
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
His hands were made for my vagina.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
i permit you to call me
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I need help removing her.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Soap is not a condiment
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Ok let me ask a question, does aderall make women less apt to have sex?
Cause it just destroys penises
Was that inappropriate? I can't gauge these things anymore
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
People in love make me want to vomit
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
that's not how you spell hell yes.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
You're my little dorito
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
he puts the penis in happiness.
I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I wish my penis had an off switch
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
So is it bad that I'm using this 21 year old for his hot bod and utter naivety?
No its what 21 year olds are made for
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
You can't special order awesome
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
well you can't waste a boner
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
wanna go halves on a baby?
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Small penises have feelings too.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
seriously i just wanna be friends
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She liked it
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches