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I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Don't EVER smell your tampon
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I intend to get homeless drunk
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
areolas are like halos for boobs.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
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