I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
