DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I'm jealous of your bromance
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Fuck now we have to have sex
In a bet, need to win
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child