you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
