Texts From Last Night · keyholekid's Favorites

keyholekid's Favorites Texts:

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(606): View more from Kentucky

Does the room smell any better?

(859): View more from Kentucky

Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.

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(510): View more from California

Are you drunk already?

(415): View more from California

Not already - at LAST.

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(360): View more from Washington

Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.

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(206): View more from Washington

You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.

(360): View more from Washington

1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you

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Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Read it at the TFLN blog
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.

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(281): View more from Texas

I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Mischief managed.

(1-403): View more from Alberta, CA

YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?

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(206): View more from Washington

Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.

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Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Read it at the TFLN blog
(510): View more from California

I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.

(707): View more from California

The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.

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(702): View more from Nevada

do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.

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(850): View more from Florida

The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight

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(718): View more from New York

Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.

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(773): View more from Illinois

my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.

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(240): View more from Maryland

My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...

(703): View more from Virginia

They grow up so fast.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder

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(757): View more from Virginia

Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

Sunday is the day of rest.

(857): View more from Massachusetts

As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.

(985): View more from Louisiana

Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.

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(207): View more from Maine

Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering

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(616): View more from Michigan

Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.

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(434): View more from Virginia

I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.

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(425): View more from Washington

I think my nap took me to another dimension

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(419): View more from Ohio

I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila

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(410): View more from Maryland

Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar

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(908): View more from New Jersey

My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel

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(973): View more from New Jersey

And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux

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(495): View more from

you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling

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(650): View more from California

Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff

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(630): View more from Illinois

Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.

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(714): View more from California

Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life

(714): View more from California

It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Moral of the story: fuckboys never change

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(281): View more from Texas

Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.

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(281): View more from Texas

If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.

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(386): View more from Florida

He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.

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(330): View more from Ohio

A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.

(931): View more from Tennessee

BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED

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(330): View more from Ohio

ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water

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(915): View more from Texas

He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.

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(927): View more from

Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.

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(720): View more from Colorado

His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.

(1-720): View more from Colorado

I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.

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(213): View more from California

WTF DUDE?

(323): View more from California

Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.

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(424): View more from California

Update: I may or may not be in a cult

(424): View more from California

Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

I remember it like it was tomorrow.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Why does my jaw hurt?

(402): View more from Nebraska

I may have punched you.

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(616): View more from Michigan

i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.

(616): View more from Michigan

i realized i waste a lot of time

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(515): View more from Iowa

Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger

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(587): View more from Alberta

We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.

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(863): View more from Florida

The porch is breathing.

(813): View more from Florida

STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied

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(619): View more from California

We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.

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(415): View more from California

It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.

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(714): View more from California

What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.

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(254): View more from Texas

You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"

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(727): View more from Florida

Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert

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(314): View more from Missouri

shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help

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(562): View more from California

that was a gay-test. you passed.

(1-562): View more from California

with flying rainbow colors i hope!

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(801): View more from Utah

You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience

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(305): View more from Florida

The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do

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(425): View more from Washington

Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high

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(706): View more from Georgia

I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.

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(928): View more from Arizona

I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink

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(816): View more from Missouri

One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!

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(941): View more from Florida

Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains

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(812): View more from Indiana

we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.

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(323): View more from California

My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese

(818): View more from California

They know nothing, John Stoned.

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it

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(407): View more from Florida

I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.

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(207): View more from Maine

cocks speak louder than words, as they say

(914): View more from New York

Nobody says that.

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(518): View more from New York

Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.

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(310): View more from California

What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?

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(770): View more from Georgia

Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage

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(812): View more from Indiana

I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.

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(848): View more from New Jersey

How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?

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(989): View more from Michigan

yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know

(1-989): View more from Michigan

im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??

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(562): View more from California

I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving

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(217): View more from Illinois

You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling

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(949): View more from California

The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Why am I always the sober one?

(641): View more from Iowa

Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...

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(949): View more from California

That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it

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(779): View more from Illinois

I smell like gasoline and adventure.

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(773): View more from Illinois

That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.

(804): View more from Virginia

It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.

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(972): View more from Texas

Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult

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(616): View more from Michigan

What changed your mind?

(1-616): View more from Michigan

Being sober

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.

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(310): View more from California

Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???

(818): View more from California

As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

the essentials, lol

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(613): View more from Ontario

The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.

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(520): View more from Arizona

So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational

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(804): View more from Virginia

We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I think she's perpetually drunk

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

It's all she knows

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,

(679): View more from Michigan

I wanted to be a dolphin.

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(773): View more from Illinois

No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.

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(817): View more from Texas

When was the last time you wore pants?

(214): View more from Texas

Time is relative.

(214): View more from Texas

And pants are optional.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.

(250): View more from British Columbia

I hear you

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(516): View more from New York

Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god

(1-516): View more from New York

You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!

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(404): View more from Georgia

Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.

(404): View more from Georgia

Everyone is cheering

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(276): View more from Virginia

My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.

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(847): View more from Illinois

YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU

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(530): View more from California

I wish to strangle

(310): View more from California

whoa there darth vader

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(509): View more from Washington

Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.

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(815): View more from Illinois

WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!

(847): View more from Illinois

1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us

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(907): View more from Alaska

Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life

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(951): View more from California

What's dad's email?

(1-951): View more from California

askmom@cause.idk

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.

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(616): View more from Michigan

if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Why didn't I see you last night!?

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.

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(903): View more from Texas

I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.

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(719): View more from Colorado

He's a Shit stain on my heart

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(248): View more from Michigan

Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms

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(614): View more from Ohio

Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.

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(425): View more from Washington

I am thankful for thumbs.

(425): View more from Washington

Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.

(425): View more from Washington

Land dolphins.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls

(+44): View more from United Kingdom

On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything

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(573): View more from Missouri

I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.

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(847): View more from Illinois

All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.

(773): View more from Illinois

that bad?

(847): View more from Illinois

u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.

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(415): View more from California

Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

What time did you start drinking?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Maybe.

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Maybe isn't a time...

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(309): View more from Illinois

We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.

(734): View more from Michigan

Your friend and I already don't get along

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(760): View more from California

Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.

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(907): View more from Alaska

It's a journey

(1-907): View more from Alaska

And the destination is his penis?

(907): View more from Alaska

Precisely.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time

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(650): View more from California

Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.

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(540): View more from Virginia

that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic

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(+61): View more from Australia

BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON

(+61): View more from Australia

SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE

(+61): View more from Australia

THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome

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(210): View more from Texas

I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?

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(319): View more from Iowa

THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ

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(616): View more from Michigan

At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head

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(518): View more from New York

Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Can't be the first without the last

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(219): View more from Indiana

If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.

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(807): View more from Ontario

My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.

(1-807): View more from Ontario

I don't see the problem

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink

(615): View more from Tennessee

Like really drunk?

(615): View more from Tennessee

Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

That is a hangover

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I would prefer a headache

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.

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(773): View more from Illinois

It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.

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(206): View more from Washington

I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched

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(951): View more from California

We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.

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(636): View more from Missouri

He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.

(314): View more from Missouri

That was the greatest thing i have ever read.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.

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(+61): View more from Australia

It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back

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(650): View more from California

I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk

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(513): View more from Ohio

We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix

(1-513): View more from Ohio

You need to not admit that.

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(845): View more from New York

just woke up under a car ? That's odd

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Holy fucking shit

(845): View more from New York

WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT

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(512): View more from Texas

Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it

(1-512): View more from Texas

We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...

(512): View more from Texas

This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.

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(541): View more from Oregon

im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more

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(801): View more from Utah

im getting coffee to go get coffee.

(435): View more from Utah

Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.

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(425): View more from Washington

i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me

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(256): View more from Alabama

I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.

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(310): View more from California

I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."

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(714): View more from California

Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.

(1-714): View more from California

This is why we're friends.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver

(1-413): View more from Massachusetts

That's a hard toss up

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(905): View more from Ontario

you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.

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(416): View more from Toronto

WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house

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(419): View more from Ohio

I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him

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(480): View more from Arizona

I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet

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(720): View more from Colorado

This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.

(860): View more from Connecticut

I am not dying my bush blue.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche

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(416): View more from Toronto

He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!

(647): View more from Ontario

That is always a wonderful personality trait!

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(214): View more from Texas

He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.

(856): View more from New Jersey

For the caroling or the orgy?

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(407): View more from Florida

What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.

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(319): View more from Iowa

...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text

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(708): View more from Illinois

Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.

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(714): View more from California

Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.

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(707): View more from California

I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.

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(714): View more from California

I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob

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(813): View more from Florida

Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult

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(509): View more from Washington

I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.

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(925): View more from California

Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.

(1-925): View more from California

How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.

(1-810): View more from Michigan

I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.

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(916): View more from California

I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist

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(512): View more from Texas

I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position

(1-512): View more from Texas

I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.

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(214): View more from Texas

They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.

(1-250): View more from British Columbia

What the fuck, why would you ever do that?

(250): View more from British Columbia

Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?

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(778): View more from British Columbia

It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing

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(360): View more from Washington

you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner

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(585): View more from New York

Can you rollerblade?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

No, why?

(585): View more from New York

Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it

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(614): View more from Ohio

We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid

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(269): View more from Michigan

"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken

(269): View more from Michigan

"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.

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(206): View more from Washington

You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy

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(607): View more from New York

Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!

(315): View more from New York

I get naked cuz your not there

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I'm drinking too much free beer

(508): View more from Massachusetts

Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.

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(540): View more from Virginia

It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...

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(816): View more from Missouri

He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.

(1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs

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(509): View more from Washington

Are you wearing clothes?

(425): View more from Washington

Fuck no, who do you think I am

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(937): View more from Ohio

Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life

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(810): View more from Michigan

I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.

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(417): View more from Missouri

I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.

(309): View more from Illinois

You rock my world.

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(775): View more from Nevada

I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.

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(425): View more from Washington

He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to

(425): View more from Washington

She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem

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(516): View more from New York

i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.

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(914): View more from New York

We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.

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(419): View more from Ohio

... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.

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(207): View more from Maine

Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.

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(904): View more from Florida

It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics

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(248): View more from Michigan

When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?

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(805): View more from California

Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do

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(704): View more from North Carolina

We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable

(678): View more from Georgia

not having any beer money sounds even more miserable

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(314): View more from Missouri

Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.

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(786): View more from Florida

I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.

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(+35): View more from

I have feelings that need drinking.

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(914): View more from New York

2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.

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(520): View more from Arizona

I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game

(520): View more from Arizona

Aloha alcoholism.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.

(703): View more from Virginia

But doesn't your shift end at like noon?

(540): View more from Virginia

I don't think you understand.

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(408): View more from California

stoners and superglue do NOT mix

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

FUCK YOU MAN

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(416): View more from Toronto

Why Weren't you wearing pants?

(647): View more from Ontario

because pants are for people with no imagination

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(214): View more from Texas

I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions

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(703): View more from Virginia

The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am

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(678): View more from Georgia

I'll always be here to give you immoral support.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.

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(989): View more from Michigan

Lets go hit some boners bro!

(1-989): View more from Michigan

I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine

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(916): View more from California

When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.

(1-916): View more from California

Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off

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(949): View more from California

Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.

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(516): View more from New York

The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.

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(406): View more from Montana

I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though

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(423): View more from Tennessee

My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

Was it a good conversation?

(405): View more from Oklahoma

It was an awkward, sexual conversation.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him

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(417): View more from Missouri

THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

this is not real life

(1-267): View more from Pennsylvania

it never is. after midnight never counts.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away

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(406): View more from Montana

sick fucks of a feather flock together

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.

(1-978): View more from Massachusetts

Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.

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(716): View more from New York

Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?

(716): View more from New York

If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love

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(785): View more from Kansas

Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Of course I have a pirate flag

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.

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(302): View more from Delaware

On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.

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(714): View more from California

I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.

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(949): View more from California

I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.

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(206): View more from Washington

Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.

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(913): View more from Kansas

My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger

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(310): View more from California

The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?

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(720): View more from Colorado

We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants

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(616): View more from Michigan

i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.

(1-616): View more from Michigan

You sure know how to make a day worth living.

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(512): View more from Texas

Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell

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(901): View more from Tennessee

He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian

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(937): View more from Ohio

Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.

(415): View more from California

Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

You're just horny.

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.

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(760): View more from California

Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs

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(310): View more from California

we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.

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(914): View more from New York

I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside

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(530): View more from California

He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.

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(415): View more from California

There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.

(415): View more from California

No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans

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(919): View more from North Carolina

The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences

(919): View more from North Carolina

great clearly means different things to us

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(330): View more from Ohio

French fry pizza

(502): View more from Kentucky

Are you brilliant or just really high?

(330): View more from Ohio

Can't it be both?

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(810): View more from Michigan

I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.

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(714): View more from California

GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES

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(317): View more from Indiana

He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans

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(916): View more from California

I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.

(831): View more from California

Promise??

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow

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(719): View more from Colorado

I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count

(516): View more from New York

then nothing in my life counts

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(360): View more from Washington

Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.

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(660): View more from Missouri

I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The pigeons can smell the fear

(1+44): View more from

Wtf

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(256): View more from Alabama

I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?

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(248): View more from Michigan

Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs

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(253): View more from Washington

i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down

(253): View more from Washington

ppsyche im wasted where are you

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(770): View more from Georgia

Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together

(1-612): View more from Minnesota

A true beacon of hope in these dark times

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Wait

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate

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(406): View more from Montana

I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."

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(719): View more from Colorado

Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".

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(804): View more from Virginia

My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.

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(310): View more from California

Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?

(626): View more from California

That's two questions.

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(727): View more from Florida

Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.

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(314): View more from Missouri

CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED

(+04): View more from

Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.

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(314): View more from Missouri

you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever

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(720): View more from Colorado

Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted

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(515): View more from Iowa

Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick

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(925): View more from California

370HSSV 0773H read that upside down

(1-925): View more from California

what are you doing with your life

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(228): View more from Mississippi

He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"

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(917): View more from New York City

when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.

(917): View more from New York City

Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.

(347): View more from New York

he is a god among men.

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(760): View more from California

Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.

(818): View more from California

Because it is cat.

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(914): View more from New York

Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.

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(509): View more from Washington

Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen

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(713): View more from Texas

I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.

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(540): View more from Virginia

i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week

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(319): View more from Iowa

Let's drink?

(1-319): View more from Iowa

Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.

(802): View more from Vermont

So basically you were a dog.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy

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(330): View more from Ohio

hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?

(614): View more from Ohio

is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?

(330): View more from Ohio

how did you know?

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I love you more with every blowjob.

(1-202): View more from Washington, DC

You should write for Hallmark.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."

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(503): View more from Oregon

I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.

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(805): View more from California

WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH

(1-805): View more from California

budget cuts

(805): View more from California

YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS

(1-805): View more from California

budget cuts are serious business

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(815): View more from Illinois

I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.

(240): View more from Maryland

Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.

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(585): View more from New York

You get home okay?

(1-585): View more from New York

I'm pantless and in bed

(585): View more from New York

That doesn't mean you're at home.

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(212): View more from New York

How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?

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(303): View more from Colorado

Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.

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(217): View more from Illinois

You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic

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(303): View more from Colorado

Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group

(1-303): View more from Colorado

But you wear shame so well

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(817): View more from Texas

Do you have any booze?

(214): View more from Texas

Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...

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(408): View more from California

I miss the smell of you or some shit.

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(512): View more from Texas

It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.

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(309): View more from Illinois

Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?

(727): View more from Florida

Oh god...probably.

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(417): View more from Missouri

See! Theres potential!

(1-417): View more from Missouri

Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.

(512): View more from Texas

That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?

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(205): View more from Alabama

Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise

(908): View more from New Jersey

omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg

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(309): View more from Illinois

WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

We don't really communicate like that.

(781): View more from Massachusetts

Communicate like what?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished

(1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you

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(616): View more from Michigan

This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.

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(903): View more from Texas

Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy

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(905): View more from Ontario

Drinking loves me for WHO I am

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(812): View more from Indiana

No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke

(678): View more from Georgia

Fly high, Fly.

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(352): View more from Florida

He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?

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(989): View more from Michigan

i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.

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(209): View more from California

Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island

(209): View more from California

The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have

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(314): View more from Missouri

No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?

(1-314): View more from Missouri

You're the worst gay friend ever.

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(813): View more from Florida

This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.

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(912): View more from Georgia

It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.

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(344): View more from

So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof

(774): View more from Massachusetts

They're waiting for you to die

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.

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(251): View more from Alabama

I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?

(1-202): View more from Washington, DC

All. The answer is always all

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

It happened again.

(612): View more from Minnesota

What?

(651): View more from Minnesota

I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Whore are you.

(301): View more from Maryland

Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Yes.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Her idea of kinky involved a tazer

(850): View more from Florida

wtf?

(270): View more from Kentucky

I'm going back tonight

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(207): View more from Maine

DRUNK CANOEING

(804): View more from Virginia

Please text me if you survive.

(207): View more from Maine

LAND HO BITCH

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(612): View more from Minnesota

her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode

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(212): View more from New York

He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.

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(314): View more from Missouri

So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.

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(530): View more from California

I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.

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(906): View more from Michigan

Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.

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(760): View more from California

It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect

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(541): View more from Oregon

Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.

(1-541): View more from Oregon

You're welcome.

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(503): View more from Oregon

bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?

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(646): View more from New York

If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better

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(208): View more from Idaho

so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.

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(440): View more from Ohio

i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other

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(434): View more from Virginia

I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..

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(541): View more from Oregon

Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup

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(909): View more from California

Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.

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(847): View more from Illinois

The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm drunk at 3:28

(816): View more from Missouri

I'm jealous as shit at 3:34

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(817): View more from Texas

Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick

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(240): View more from Maryland

This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.

(1-240): View more from Maryland

You've ruined popcorn for me.

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(719): View more from Colorado

My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.

(505): View more from New Mexico

By piano you mean.....

(719): View more from Colorado

Like literally a piano.

(505): View more from New Mexico

Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.

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(949): View more from California

Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut

(714): View more from California

I think mark twain said that originally

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.

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(254): View more from Texas

Im just a social blackout drinker.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.

(781): View more from Massachusetts

Fear?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

FEAR.

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(720): View more from Colorado

ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.

(1-720): View more from Colorado

Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.

(720): View more from Colorado

I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.

(720): View more from Colorado

I rest my case.

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(407): View more from Florida

Blood and glitter go together right?

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(937): View more from Ohio

Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.

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(425): View more from Washington

The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.

(541): View more from Oregon

Mole people?

(425): View more from Washington

Mole people

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(231): View more from Michigan

Is this a drinking picnic?

(701): View more from North Dakota

Is there another kind?

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(646): View more from New York

How was the rest of your night?

(917): View more from New York City

A little fuzzy and a lot naked.

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(253): View more from Washington

she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.

(206): View more from Washington

so that's what that room is for...

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(562): View more from California

I bought something for you today. You'll love it.

(909): View more from California

What is it? Drugs?

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(303): View more from Colorado

that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment

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(203): View more from Connecticut

If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever

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(416): View more from Toronto

I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity

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(281): View more from Texas

He told me how it ended, then I blew him.

(303): View more from Colorado

So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??

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(914): View more from New York

I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.

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(706): View more from Georgia

If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?

(901): View more from Tennessee

Most definitely.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I just feel like everything is too perfect

(774): View more from Massachusetts

He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator

(774): View more from Massachusetts

Or both. Which is common

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.

(848): View more from New Jersey

No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.

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(561): View more from Florida

Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.

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(+61): View more from Australia

Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.

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(707): View more from California

New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.

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(772): View more from Florida

its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.

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(443): View more from Maryland

6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN

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(607): View more from New York

I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

How's your threesome situation going?

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

Optimistic

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(954): View more from Florida

I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?

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(667): View more from Maryland

what customs doesn't know wont hurt them

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(510): View more from California

I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.

(1-201): View more from New Jersey

Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!

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(913): View more from Kansas

I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.

(785): View more from Kansas

When were you at my house?

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(573): View more from Missouri

BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST

(573): View more from Missouri

TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL

(573): View more from Missouri

AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT

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(614): View more from Ohio

telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.

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(516): View more from New York

Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.

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(818): View more from California

It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.

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(949): View more from California

Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.

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(310): View more from California

I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass

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(323): View more from California

He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.

(310): View more from California

Please stop calling it that.

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(646): View more from New York

Is 1:30 too early for the bar?

(718): View more from New York

Do you want my opinion or society's?

(646): View more from New York

I want your company

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(303): View more from Colorado

I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.

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(655): View more from

Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?

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(614): View more from Ohio

Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Still breathing?

(303): View more from Colorado

Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.

(503): View more from Oregon

What.

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(727): View more from Florida

I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.

(727): View more from Florida

I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'

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(816): View more from Missouri

I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.

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(907): View more from Alaska

There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.

(307): View more from Wyoming

I wholeheartedly concur

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(734): View more from Michigan

this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain

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(519): View more from Ontario

she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems

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(+61): View more from Australia

You were supposed to behave this weekend.

(1+61): View more from

But... naked.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve

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(206): View more from Washington

Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.

(425): View more from Washington

I'll pay?

(206): View more from Washington

Pick me up at 9.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Sorry my hands just texted you

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(914): View more from New York

I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.

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(954): View more from Florida

I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now

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(956): View more from Texas

Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....

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(571): View more from Virginia

Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.

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(914): View more from New York

You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?

(216): View more from Ohio

We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Seriously, fuck work.

(1-910): View more from North Carolina

uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car

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(618): View more from Illinois

You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.

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(406): View more from Montana

And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

It's a Thursday.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.

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(913): View more from Kansas

The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"

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(703): View more from Virginia

This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls

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(925): View more from California

Where did you go?

(1-925): View more from California

I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.

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(314): View more from Missouri

You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.

(618): View more from Illinois

dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

wanna come over? I have movies.

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

sure, what movies

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

porn or disney, your choice

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate

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(954): View more from Florida

Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I have a surprise for you guys

(937): View more from Ohio

What is it?

(740): View more from Ohio

A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS

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(720): View more from Colorado

I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.

(1-720): View more from Colorado

You sound pretty unsure about all of this.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous

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(216): View more from Ohio

Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day

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(816): View more from Missouri

where are you?

(1-816): View more from Missouri

talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick

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(253): View more from Washington

If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?

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(443): View more from Maryland

well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.

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(631): View more from New York

if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org

(516): View more from New York

.org?

(631): View more from New York

yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.

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(248): View more from Michigan

THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck

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(623): View more from Arizona

Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.

(1-623): View more from Arizona

That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me

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(562): View more from California

I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.

(416): View more from Toronto

You are not an adult

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(408): View more from California

Dude, that was like bongs ago.

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(206): View more from Washington

Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head

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(520): View more from Arizona

it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Got another job?

(607): View more from New York

If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.

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(217): View more from Illinois

yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant

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(425): View more from Washington

The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.

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(360): View more from Washington

Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!

(860): View more from Connecticut

I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo

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(408): View more from California

Holy high batman

(408): View more from California

The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.

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(916): View more from California

What's the place called?

(916): View more from California

I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results

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(630): View more from Illinois

Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese

(312): View more from Illinois

Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?

(630): View more from Illinois

I love you bro

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(740): View more from Ohio

I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me

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(574): View more from Indiana

I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer

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(903): View more from Texas

Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.

(1-903): View more from Texas

Dude I've been in FL since Monday.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one

(847): View more from Illinois

I had a salad today

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies

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(307): View more from Wyoming

WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.

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(512): View more from Texas

We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!

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(480): View more from Arizona

I had to brake up with him.

(602): View more from Arizona

In my experience drinking helps.

(480): View more from Arizona

You dont want to know why?

(602): View more from Arizona

Not really. I want to drink.

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(212): View more from New York

He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode

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(740): View more from Ohio

Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.

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(706): View more from Georgia

The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.

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(904): View more from Florida

Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.

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(954): View more from Florida

I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else

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(660): View more from Missouri

hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?

(816): View more from Missouri

yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward

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(619): View more from California

That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.

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(863): View more from Florida

There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.

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(305): View more from Florida

I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420

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(518): View more from New York

They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.

(1-518): View more from New York

Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?

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(208): View more from Idaho

Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!

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(914): View more from New York

He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF

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(802): View more from Vermont

I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.

(1-802): View more from Vermont

I hope you fall on your chin.

(802): View more from Vermont

Jealousy makes you ugly.

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(347): View more from New York

It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.

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(408): View more from California

But college guys get to crossfade so there's that

(305): View more from Florida

No idea what that is

(408): View more from California

Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...

(305): View more from Florida

I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words

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(816): View more from Missouri

If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry

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(407): View more from Florida

When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?

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(913): View more from Kansas

I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

Sounds like the perfect vacation

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(+61): View more from Australia

You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.

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(734): View more from Michigan

If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.

(732): View more from New Jersey

all 3? possibly?

(410): View more from Maryland

I think I'm up to the challenge.

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(705): View more from Ontario

He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.

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(407): View more from Florida

We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?

(505): View more from New Mexico

Heroically.

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(420): View more from

I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.

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(415): View more from California

my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!

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(520): View more from Arizona

Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?

(614): View more from Ohio

Your word choices worry me.

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(253): View more from Washington

I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH

(360): View more from Washington

Yes

(253): View more from Washington

O.K.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option

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(970): View more from Colorado

I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Aren't you gay?

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME

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(425): View more from Washington

I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!

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(305): View more from Florida

Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.

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(314): View more from Missouri

who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?

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(404): View more from Georgia

Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

we need to invent and abuse teleportation

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(360): View more from Washington

Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?

(1-360): View more from Washington

I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk

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(209): View more from California

i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious

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(314): View more from Missouri

He's only going to be gone for two weeks

(1-314): View more from Missouri

That's two months in gay whore years.

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(317): View more from Indiana

That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge

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(408): View more from California

I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You almost set me on fire last night.

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

You probably deserved it.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

How did you break your hand eating pizza?

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Boxes are hard to see rocks through.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.

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(904): View more from Florida

Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.

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(760): View more from California

I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.

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(949): View more from California

am i gonna have visuals on this?

(414): View more from Wisconsin

you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire

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(519): View more from Ontario

Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"

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(804): View more from Virginia

Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities

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(515): View more from Iowa

nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying

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(520): View more from Arizona

I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time

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(516): View more from New York

You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.

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(407): View more from Florida

I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much

(352): View more from Florida

Like they're going to fly away?

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(408): View more from California

So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl

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(541): View more from Oregon

i'll probably be on drugs forewarning

(503): View more from Oregon

forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you

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(703): View more from Virginia

Vodka?

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Forever.

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(425): View more from Washington

What goes on in that head of yours?

(206): View more from Washington

Gay sex, for the most part. Why?

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(404): View more from Georgia

He yearns for your heart.

(678): View more from Georgia

He needs to stop being a pussy about it.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?

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(317): View more from Indiana

Regret, thy taste is box wine.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Are you alive?

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.

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(303): View more from Colorado

normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.

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(847): View more from Illinois

i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink

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(515): View more from Iowa

Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!

(1-515): View more from Iowa

Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.

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(207): View more from Maine

So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.

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(949): View more from California

She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."

(423): View more from Tennessee

Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I fill condoms, not promises.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.

(214): View more from Texas

I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity

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(702): View more from Nevada

We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.

(843): View more from South Carolina

You're the best wingman ever.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails

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(917): View more from New York City

The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.

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(305): View more from Florida

why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?

(908): View more from New Jersey

i hope they name him Joffrey

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(216): View more from Ohio

And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.

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(616): View more from Michigan

But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"

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(816): View more from Missouri

You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people

(763): View more from Minnesota

and u failed math?

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(214): View more from Texas

Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.

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(410): View more from Maryland

You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

were you high?

(1-505): View more from New Mexico

When?

(1-505): View more from New Mexico

Actually just blanket yes to that question

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(951): View more from California

You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.

(1-951): View more from California

This is the first time I'm hearing this information.

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(913): View more from Kansas

My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.

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(408): View more from California

Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain

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(207): View more from Maine

So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.

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(317): View more from Indiana

The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life

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(760): View more from California

Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem

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(316): View more from Kansas

There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.

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(239): View more from Florida

I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural

(407): View more from Florida

YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT

(239): View more from Florida

..........

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(337): View more from Louisiana

The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden

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(563): View more from Iowa

You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.

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(309): View more from Illinois

well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey

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(518): View more from New York

That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.

(315): View more from New York

Who is this?!????

(518): View more from New York

That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.

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