Tap Here to view the Mobile Optimized TFLN
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
But theres a keg here and me gusta
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Favorite