I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
why do cheetos always look like penises
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
one two three fourrrrnication!
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
i'm home, then i'll come over
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i would punch a child for taco bell
My balls are so social today.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
So how was he last night?
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?