Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
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We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
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