youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
this is jacob
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
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Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
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Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I queefed so loud it echoed.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
You're right, stupid question.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
hey, what are you doing tonight?
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She liked it
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.