just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
