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Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!
What does that mean?
How when the cu k dos I yet u
Focus
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Lets evaluate? U kissed one boss and lef twith another man. I cock teased the other, hardcore had a tongue jammed down my throat, made out w aa third then left in a cab w alex w them all yelling at me and offering rides. My cheek was also licked and bitten by 2 other men and we almost made out (u and me) because they asked. were hired.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
just won 30 on black! Ok adicteddd! Never coming back gqmbeqing is easy.
now my debit card is betting 1k whoops. im gongk eh be rich!!!
whoops didnt work. think the gambeli mashine is busters!! now im betting 2k?! bad idea?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I cut my penus on the lid.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
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