11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
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