Texts From Last Night · Nordi6's Favorites

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Nordi6's Favorites Texts:

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(860): View more from Connecticut

letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs

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(219): View more from Indiana

My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.

(607): View more from New York

Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now

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(419): View more from Ohio

you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you

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(903): View more from Texas

omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.

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(434): View more from Virginia

i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome

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(847): View more from Illinois

Whoa, Gary Coleman died

(224): View more from Illinois

Whatchu talkin bout?!?!

(847): View more from Illinois

Too soon.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion

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(214): View more from Texas

decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?

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(818): View more from California

My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.

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(914): View more from New York

she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

which gay bar do you need a ride home from?

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(517): View more from Michigan

There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated

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(585): View more from New York

She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.

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(480): View more from Arizona

My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.

(1-480): View more from Arizona

Do I even want to know?

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(248): View more from Michigan

the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky

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(203): View more from Connecticut

They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice

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(313): View more from Michigan

I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes

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(716): View more from New York

you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.

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(408): View more from California

you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.

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(972): View more from Texas

so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.

(214): View more from Texas

so how much did i say i owed you?

(972): View more from Texas

$5 and a new fuck buddy.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

That's funny. Are they weird looking???

(262): View more from Wisconsin

OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water

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(360): View more from Washington

Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?

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(248): View more from Michigan

Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.

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(408): View more from California

They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.

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(310): View more from California

Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone

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(703): View more from Virginia

A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world

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(513): View more from Ohio

Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home

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(248): View more from Michigan

Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest

(248): View more from Michigan

If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does

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(757): View more from Virginia

He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops

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(330): View more from Ohio

Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list

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(352): View more from Florida

Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes

(1-352): View more from Florida

I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.

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(503): View more from Oregon

No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final

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(973): View more from New Jersey

i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall

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(802): View more from Vermont

i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.

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(727): View more from Florida

how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?

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(813): View more from Florida

We shouldn"t be alone together

(606): View more from Kentucky

you didn"t say that yesterday

(813): View more from Florida

you weren't married yesterday

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(813): View more from Florida

Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.

(1-813): View more from Florida

I ordered a moonbounce.

(813): View more from Florida

Fuck, you win.

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(631): View more from New York

Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america

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(310): View more from California

So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes

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(720): View more from Colorado

so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??

(713): View more from Texas

Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.

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(562): View more from California

trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"

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(310): View more from California

I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.

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(847): View more from Illinois

another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?

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(404): View more from Georgia

I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!

(1-404): View more from Georgia

what drugs are you on?

(404): View more from Georgia

none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.

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(561): View more from Florida

This dress was meant to end up on your floor

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(847): View more from Illinois

How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?

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(896): View more from

i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...

(1-614): View more from Ohio

FUCK YOU.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober

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(314): View more from Missouri

dude did u upper deck my toilet?

(1-314): View more from Missouri

haha like two months ago

(314): View more from Missouri

i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u

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(678): View more from Georgia

you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"

(973): View more from New Jersey

What's this douchebags name?

(908): View more from New Jersey

Rob...

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(630): View more from Illinois

Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?

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(219): View more from Indiana

Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.

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(312): View more from Illinois

i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it

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(713): View more from Texas

my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.

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(325): View more from Texas

When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous

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(908): View more from New Jersey

): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I puked a lego.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework

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(443): View more from Maryland

Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.

(1-443): View more from Maryland

Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.

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(585): View more from New York

please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.

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(586): View more from Michigan

In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I did the walk of shame to church this morning.

(734): View more from Michigan

hooker boots and all?

(313): View more from Michigan

Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.

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(541): View more from Oregon

at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking

(1-541): View more from Oregon

only in oregon

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

don't read that magazine bro. I came in it

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(310): View more from California

please tell me if i'm home and in my bed

(1-310): View more from California

negative

(310): View more from California

come find me please

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(805): View more from California

My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.

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(850): View more from Florida

i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come

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(440): View more from Ohio

You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music

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(618): View more from Illinois

It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."

(423): View more from Tennessee

Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.

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(848): View more from New Jersey

I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa

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(310): View more from California

ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.

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(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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(909): View more from California

I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

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(703): View more from Virginia

Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true

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(312): View more from Illinois

I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg

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(703): View more from Virginia

How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist

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(701): View more from North Dakota

She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.

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(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

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(214): View more from Texas

A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.

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(216): View more from Ohio

somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.

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(317): View more from Indiana

The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic

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(905): View more from Ontario

Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.

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(513): View more from Ohio

You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".

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(620): View more from Kansas

We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.

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(+41): View more from Switzerland

look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.

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(650): View more from California

Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)

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(925): View more from California

just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I hate your face

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(540): View more from Virginia

Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right

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(502): View more from Kentucky

The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"

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(256): View more from Alabama

I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.

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(972): View more from Texas

They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.

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(714): View more from California

We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her

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(406): View more from Montana

Its weird to pet your cat with a boner

(1-406): View more from Montana

What the fuck?

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(409): View more from Texas

We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?

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(510): View more from California

i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.

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(541): View more from Oregon

This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.

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(650): View more from California

There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.

(650): View more from California

I tried to assassinate the ginger baby

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one

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(651): View more from Minnesota

The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.

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(858): View more from California

batman tramp stamp. Dibs.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..

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(706): View more from Georgia

Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"

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(908): View more from New Jersey

We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks

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(905): View more from Toronto

Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich

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(248): View more from Michigan

You're a womanizer and a bitch.

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(480): View more from Arizona

She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like

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(870): View more from Arkansas

i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep

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(516): View more from New York

i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"

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(847): View more from Illinois

i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy

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(256): View more from Alabama

we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.

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(325): View more from Texas

wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"

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(913): View more from Kansas

Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now

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(858): View more from California

There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Operation Purity has been aborted

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(614): View more from Ohio

I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.

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(720): View more from Colorado

You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar

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(512): View more from Texas

I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.

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(407): View more from Florida

Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?

(1-407): View more from Florida

I hate you

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava

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(301): View more from Maryland

Define "chronic" masturbator.

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(234): View more from Ohio

if we break up, who will get the dealer?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper

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(305): View more from Florida

I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?

(1-305): View more from Florida

Seriously?

(305): View more from Florida

100%

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(651): View more from Minnesota

How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.

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(312): View more from Illinois

dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.

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(406): View more from Montana

Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...

(303): View more from Colorado

Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere

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(443): View more from Maryland

I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.

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(940): View more from Texas

Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning

(1-217): View more from Illinois

didn't feel it. :)

(217): View more from Illinois

It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.

(1-217): View more from Illinois

wait what? so it's not in america?

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(212): View more from New York

ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?

(1-212): View more from New York

this is Aaron, hi

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD

(206): View more from Washington

Or, you could have used a condom

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(714): View more from California

I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?

(949): View more from California

I gave it to your brother to give to you.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I just did the classiest thing ever.

(216): View more from Ohio

last time you said that you got chlamydia.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee

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(410): View more from Maryland

pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.

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(214): View more from Texas

Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.

(773): View more from Illinois

You spelled "worthless" wrong.

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(434): View more from Virginia

just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!

(1-434): View more from Virginia

why is this not a picture message?!?!

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(360): View more from Washington

Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

ill bring the camera dont start without me

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(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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(925): View more from California

"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.

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(269): View more from Michigan

Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?

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(425): View more from Washington

There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good

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(360): View more from Washington

would you consider him our boss?

(503): View more from Oregon

technically yes

(360): View more from Washington

then technically i slept with our boss

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(909): View more from California

WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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(641): View more from Iowa

FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER

(1-641): View more from Iowa

STOP listening to that song

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(206): View more from Washington

Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.

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(818): View more from California

i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body

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(386): View more from Florida

First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.

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(424): View more from California

Do u kno any dealers?

(1-424): View more from California

I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.

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(406): View more from Montana

Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.

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(850): View more from Florida

Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

(850): View more from Florida

I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911

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(216): View more from Ohio

Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

(440): View more from Ohio

Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

(216): View more from Ohio

Holy shit r u serious? How?

(440): View more from Ohio

Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

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(407): View more from Florida

i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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(323): View more from California

You got in a fight last night?

(818): View more from California

Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.

(323): View more from California

Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?

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(248): View more from Michigan

I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?

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(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

Woah.

(918): View more from Oklahoma

that's not how you spell hell yes.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.

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(408): View more from California

booty call

(925): View more from California

i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.

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(281): View more from Texas

had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning

(1-413): View more from Massachusetts

More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub

(413): View more from Massachusetts

I wish i could be there for it

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(209): View more from California

it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,

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(361): View more from Texas

I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?

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(520): View more from Arizona

Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn

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(515): View more from Iowa

They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.

(1-250): View more from British Columbia

I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?

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(813): View more from Florida

i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa

(404): View more from Georgia

sure if you go to prison

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(352): View more from Florida

Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish

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(443): View more from Maryland

I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

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(904): View more from Florida

i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls

(763): View more from Minnesota

is that a poem?!

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit

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(601): View more from Mississippi

You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa

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(858): View more from California

we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.

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(417): View more from Missouri

quadriplegic porn is always funny

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

no. no its not

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.

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(818): View more from California

I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape

(310): View more from California

wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?

(818): View more from California

why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES

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(585): View more from New York

This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.

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(281): View more from Texas

On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?

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(903): View more from Texas

u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?

(214): View more from Texas

Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?

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(801): View more from Utah

You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience

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(313): View more from Michigan

I wish costco sold astroglide.

(248): View more from Michigan

i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?

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(972): View more from Texas

You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"

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(612): View more from Minnesota

smell my finger.

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(310): View more from California

Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on

(1-310): View more from California

I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic

(414): View more from Wisconsin

USA! USA! USA!

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(757): View more from Virginia

I understand Curling. That high.

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(616): View more from Michigan

those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..

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(860): View more from Connecticut

The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one

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(971): View more from Oregon

He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

he fucked me so hard my future children felt it

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(516): View more from New York

doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick

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(660): View more from Missouri

dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome

(816): View more from Missouri

no its not leave

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.

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(303): View more from Colorado

you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.

(303): View more from Colorado

and I must say, you were very persuasive

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year

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(269): View more from Michigan

So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow

(1-269): View more from Michigan

Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(949): View more from California

Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

(1-949): View more from California

are you seriously doing this over text message

(949): View more from California

hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

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(903): View more from Texas

Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.

(1-314): View more from Missouri

Me specifically?

(903): View more from Texas

Yep.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle

(612): View more from Minnesota

safety first

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(304): View more from West Virginia

What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.

(1-304): View more from West Virginia

That wasn't intended for you, my bad.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.

(1405): View more from

I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?

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(563): View more from Iowa

Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade

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(661): View more from California

Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds

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(312): View more from Illinois

i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it

(917): View more from New York City

the suitcase or the dildo?

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(573): View more from Missouri

his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"

(314): View more from Missouri

did it work

(573): View more from Missouri

that's not the point...

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.

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(716): View more from New York

My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.

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(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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(775): View more from Nevada

before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

(908): View more from New Jersey

I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

(201): View more from New Jersey

Tie

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(802): View more from Vermont

OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.

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(440): View more from Ohio

wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant

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(804): View more from Virginia

Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men

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(530): View more from California

You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.

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(212): View more from New York

I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.

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(248): View more from Michigan

It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.

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(512): View more from Texas

he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.

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(949): View more from California

I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.

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(805): View more from California

I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.

(1-805): View more from California

You do realize that you broke up with him, right?

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(843): View more from South Carolina

happy early fathers day!!!

(829): View more from Dominican Rep

im not a father

(843): View more from South Carolina

about that...

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

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(650): View more from California

i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!

(408): View more from California

Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...

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(662): View more from Mississippi

you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again

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(706): View more from Georgia

I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.

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(518): View more from New York

we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.

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(917): View more from New York City

we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.

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(845): View more from New York

our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.

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(303): View more from Colorado

dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I cannot find my penis.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches

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(209): View more from California

dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity

(1-209): View more from California

nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all

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(281): View more from Texas

How do you jack off and text at the same time?

(1-281): View more from Texas

On my iPhone they have an app for that

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(613): View more from Ontario

I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....

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(949): View more from California

I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.

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(361): View more from Texas

is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?

(702): View more from Nevada

not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning

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(801): View more from Utah

we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success

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(317): View more from Indiana

im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.

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(207): View more from Maine

Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....

(617): View more from Massachusetts

I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11

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(713): View more from Texas

I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

(512): View more from Texas

babe, don't say it like that!

(713): View more from Texas

I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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(906): View more from Michigan

i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?

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(240): View more from Maryland

He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...

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(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.

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(330): View more from Ohio

We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.

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(949): View more from California

i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?

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(917): View more from New York City

I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina

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(678): View more from Georgia

Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off

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(410): View more from Maryland

After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.

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(847): View more from Illinois

My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo

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(727): View more from Florida

She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.

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(314): View more from Missouri

It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot

(502): View more from Kentucky

Why?

(314): View more from Missouri

Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never

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(203): View more from Connecticut

dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?

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(850): View more from Florida

Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.

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(416): View more from Ontario

we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance

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(636): View more from Missouri

Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.

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(513): View more from Ohio

corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing

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(407): View more from Florida

official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.

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(925): View more from California

They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.

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(661): View more from California

Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?

(1-661): View more from California

What the hell did you do last night?!

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(480): View more from Arizona

she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Why is there a cactus in the microwave?

(1-217): View more from Illinois

Don't worry about it.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?

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(204): View more from Manitoba

When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?

(204): View more from Manitoba

I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.

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(443): View more from Maryland

hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door

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(513): View more from Ohio

How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?

(1-513): View more from Ohio

The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.

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(647): View more from Ontario

on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..

(1-647): View more from Ontario

who won?

(647): View more from Ontario

THAT is your concern right now?

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(678): View more from Georgia

did u really fuck my little sister???

(706): View more from Georgia

im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"

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(804): View more from Virginia

my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.

(1-804): View more from Virginia

I'm on my way.

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(480): View more from Arizona

he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him

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(702): View more from Nevada

When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

I've always been the spiritual type.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

well i fucked her too, so yes.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"

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(705): View more from Ontario

dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant

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(623): View more from Arizona

I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again

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(502): View more from Kentucky

she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point

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(203): View more from Connecticut

either way he was missing a nipple.

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(810): View more from Michigan

She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...

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(970): View more from Colorado

The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.

(352): View more from Florida

I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.

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(925): View more from California

It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones

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(630): View more from Illinois

You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..

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(807): View more from Ontario

I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.

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