Texts From Last Night · whp10a's Favorites

whp10a's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(253): View more from Washington

I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.

Fav 6 1146 593
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...

Fav 5 903 638
share tweet

(202): View more from Washington, DC

A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.

Fav 13 723 2148
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.

(307): View more from Wyoming

I wholeheartedly concur

Fav 5 1464 657
share tweet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Read it at the TFLN blog
(781): View more from Massachusetts

So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused

Fav 4 937 513
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.

Fav 5 1731 1292
share tweet

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

Dibsssss

Fav 11 2394 1004
share tweet

(904): View more from Florida

But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?

Fav 6 648 839
share tweet
(619): View more from California

You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing

(1-619): View more from California

Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this

(619): View more from California

...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...

Fav 4 1537 798
share tweet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Read it at the TFLN blog
(646): View more from New York

I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...

Fav 9 626 1569
share tweet
(298): View more from

The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.

(208): View more from Idaho

You're the only meteorologist I listen to.

Fav 3 2365 749
share tweet

(503): View more from Oregon

I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore

Fav 2 1177 987
share tweet

(407): View more from Florida

Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.

Fav 6 1881 584
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.

(502): View more from Kentucky

And if not?

(937): View more from Ohio

...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?

Fav 5 2138 812
share tweet

(707): View more from California

After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs

Fav 6 2212 840
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.

Fav 3 2571 843
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?

Fav 19 2338 761
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?

Fav 6 3466 1010
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods

Fav 6 3916 888
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.

Fav 21 5270 1145
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"

Fav 1 1400 673
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?

(540): View more from Virginia

Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude

Fav 9 1379 2638
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?

Fav 7 1881 810
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.

(1-214): View more from Texas

I love you.

Fav 5 2888 859
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE

Fav 8 2393 938
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with

Fav 5 1451 803
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...

Fav 12 3187 904
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more

Fav 3 1880 885
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?

Fav 7 1963 846
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.

(1-773): View more from Illinois

I love you football head

Fav 7 2863 968
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob

Fav 10 2204 964
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon

Fav 3 1369 665
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.

Fav 7 2044 849
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.

Fav 1 1025 1750
share tweet
(438): View more from Quebec

Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.

Fav 4 1724 1070
share tweet
(916): View more from California

Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold

Fav 15 1096 1741
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.

Fav 19 2515 997
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce

Fav 15 1189 2413
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on

Fav 3 1241 1325
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

how was ur day?

(405): View more from Oklahoma

this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.

Fav 13 6881 1654
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.

Fav 8 3928 1202
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future

Fav 15 1136 2032
share tweet
(334): View more from Alabama

If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes

Fav 7 2549 1094
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?

Fav 43 7265 1329
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.

Fav 19 5651 1426
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.

Fav 27 6245 1304
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college

Fav 10 3636 852
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?

Fav 8 7163 1340
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.

Fav 8 1838 1099
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.

Fav 3 2141 1053
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking

Fav 4 3415 1142
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.

Fav 10 1991 2540
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice

Fav 11 3593 1296
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke

Fav 2 768 1135
share tweet
(325): View more from Texas

We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."

Fav 4 2256 870
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.

Fav 7 2247 839
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.

Fav 3 2346 977
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!

(503): View more from Oregon

... That's a shower caddy.

(541): View more from Oregon

I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.

Fav 11 3693 1026
share tweet
(229): View more from Georgia

Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..

Fav 11 3265 1082
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?

Fav 13 4033 1127
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.

Fav 0 1183 809
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.

(425): View more from Washington

are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?

Fav 2 1540 871
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?

Fav 18 2499 873
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.

Fav 7 1017 1271
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?

Fav 12 1974 984
share tweet
(760): View more from California

so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.

Fav 6 1440 836
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.

Fav 1 1376 779
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.

Fav 5 1184 672
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

This is John, I met you downtown last night.

(407): View more from Florida

Oh, ok.

(727): View more from Florida

This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night

Fav 11 2893 866
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad

(1-613): View more from Ontario

I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.

Fav 0 1122 689
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.

Fav 3 1850 839
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.

Fav 12 4168 1086
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.

Fav 7 3016 1084
share tweet
(580): View more from Oklahoma

the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.

Fav 14 2602 1157
share tweet
(415): View more from California

What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises

Fav 4 1607 821
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.

Fav 2 737 1381
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."

(216): View more from Ohio

Valid question

Fav 6 1819 744
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?

Fav 4 1316 869
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday

Fav 1 1660 712
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"

(1-905): View more from Ontario

He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.

Fav 4 1467 1189
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.

Fav 8 2235 820
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.

Fav 3 956 1342
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.

Fav 3 978 1791
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.

(303): View more from Colorado

Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.

Fav 3 2408 1017
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina

Fav 7 872 1574
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.

(712): View more from Iowa

What's an angry pirate?

(702): View more from Nevada

You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.

Fav 32 1516 2011
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.

Fav 13 1809 1058
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?

Fav 3 1335 844
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though

(1-781): View more from Massachusetts

21st birthday = success

Fav 8 1836 846
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?

Fav 5 2788 838
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!

Fav 18 1487 3190
share tweet
(805): View more from California

No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.

Fav 5 2486 811
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.

Fav 9 1241 685
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.

Fav 4 2756 727
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.

Fav 7 1393 711
share tweet
(213): View more from California

And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at

Fav 5 2016 780
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??

Fav 17 1088 2712
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises

Fav 2 966 1001
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook

Fav 5 795 1795
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand

Fav 3 1464 701
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."

Fav 8 1102 1589
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.

Fav 5 976 1498
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.

(1-414): View more from Wisconsin

That is like, the point of shorts

Fav 5 1745 1156
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.

Fav 8 1225 850
share tweet
(805): View more from California

The air was thick with penises

Fav 4 1535 887
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.

Fav 2 1885 833
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"

Fav 7 861 1718
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA

Fav 16 1102 1185
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

(216): View more from Ohio

i hate you

Fav 43 23537 2194
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.

Fav 24 1843 4644
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i always forget guys have bellybuttons

Fav 84 3905 1065
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"

Fav 7 3119 1528
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch

Fav 13 5289 1363
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.

Fav 14 3285 1316
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick

Fav 69 15075 4258
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.

Fav 5 4277 1611
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.

Fav 12 4579 1953
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

Don't make out with my wife yet

Fav 3 1211 1255
share tweet
(415): View more from California

I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc

Fav 12 861 2966
share tweet
(951): View more from California

So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.

(909): View more from California

dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?

Fav 43 7381 1442
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening

Fav 17 1918 5230
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?

Fav 67 876 2847
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.

Fav 20 1888 687
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.

Fav 14 1280 2365
share tweet
(641): View more from Iowa

Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.

(844): View more from

Oh its going to be that type of weekend?

Fav 5 2757 834
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I am lonely and I want to touch your beard

Fav 8 1963 931
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like

Fav 19 3712 1031
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more

Fav 204 120240 4350
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.

Fav 388 131986 5197
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.

Fav 25 3576 946
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.

Fav 20 3804 957
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange

Fav 10 3668 957
share tweet
(525): View more from

It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?

Fav 14 3973 1066
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING

Fav 29 4450 1327
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"

Fav 6 4153 1067
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Make me a sandwich

(301): View more from Maryland

The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.

Fav 28 6536 1214
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.

Fav 12 6939 1202
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.

Fav 4 2816 1284
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here

Fav 4 2399 802
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...

Fav 5 2580 736
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off

Fav 9 3197 736
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.

Fav 6 3583 952
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.

Fav 21 4187 910
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.

Fav 5 3277 869
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you

Fav 23 4748 957
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?

Fav 6 839 1668
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

How bad is the voicemail?

(1-864): View more from South Carolina

You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.

Fav 30 1229 2882
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES

Fav 5 1841 925
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.

Fav 7 2106 866
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.

Fav 3 3791 926
share tweet
(909): View more from California

I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.

Fav 10 1025 1436
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.

Fav 12 2620 1486
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke

Fav 1 1702 699
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag

Fav 5 1893 1060
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.

(336): View more from North Carolina

Did it work?

(918): View more from Oklahoma

Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.

Fav 8 3401 879
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.

Fav 3 894 2030
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.

Fav 7 1877 1003
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.

Fav 9 4149 1420
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ

Fav 5 1477 715
share tweet
(507): View more from Minnesota

I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil

Fav 7 1185 1944
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.

Fav 5 3298 919
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.

(785): View more from Kansas

When were you at my house?

Fav 5 3291 1130
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.

Fav 16 1786 1226
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...

Fav 11 2507 929
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.

Fav 3 1493 852
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.

Fav 4 2370 791
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.

Fav 29 3852 1027
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

I regret nothing

Fav 12 2861 940
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."

Fav 6 3165 916
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few

Fav 8 1186 2287
share tweet
(580): View more from Oklahoma

And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.

Fav 2 1742 833
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.

Fav 8 2183 787
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!

Fav 5 1329 795
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded

Fav 59 1541 7353
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?

(973): View more from New Jersey

yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars

Fav 18 1893 6037
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday

Fav 83 1742 10461
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"

Fav 16 4038 1137
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.

Fav 10 4223 1135
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.

Fav 37 2519 1133
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.

Fav 12 1548 5999
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.

Fav 21 1265 6242
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?

Fav 24 5084 1618
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited

(1-214): View more from Texas

I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope

Fav 93 1830 7830
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.

Fav 7 4678 1112
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.

(478): View more from Georgia

Moment of silence for the loss of that option.

Fav 29 2570 7752
share tweet
(985): View more from Louisiana

Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.

(1-985): View more from Louisiana

Do I have a choice?

(985): View more from Louisiana

I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.

Fav 13 3202 972
share tweet
(310): View more from California

True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?

Fav 6 1311 1956
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"

Fav 11 2128 852
share tweet
(424): View more from California

You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.

(1-424): View more from California

The hell is wrong with me

Fav 4 1502 1006
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.

(703): View more from Virginia

OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

Fav 1 2269 805
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.

Fav 12 3103 988
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.

Fav 27 4342 1102
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way

Fav 9 1131 1658
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.

Fav 5 2381 925
share tweet
(415): View more from California

STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU

Fav 10 2063 1051
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink

Fav 7 889 756
share tweet
(229): View more from Georgia

He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...

Fav 8 1049 2752
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.

Fav 10 2803 968
share tweet
(916): View more from California

I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.

Fav 7 4058 998
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?

Fav 15 1203 1970
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME

Fav 18 2888 1041
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.

Fav 3 1629 770
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.

Fav 8 2452 1559
share tweet
(916): View more from California

the gays at disneyland are vicious

Fav 13 2108 964
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk

Fav 10 2282 1012
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?

(626): View more from California

That's two questions.

Fav 4 2178 1242
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.

Fav 7 2159 936
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.

Fav 5 2148 857
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.

Fav 8 2172 867
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.

Fav 3 2319 1164
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories

Fav 3 2204 1198
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say

Fav 6 2432 834
share tweet
(567): View more from Ohio

She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs

Fav 9 2926 810
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.

Fav 23 3086 1071
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier

Fav 2 2410 779
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.

Fav 8 2381 829
share tweet
(650): View more from California

Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america

Fav 8 2076 782
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.

Fav 17 3208 1028
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

What goes on in that head of yours?

(206): View more from Washington

Gay sex, for the most part. Why?

Fav 7 2595 1137
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap

Fav 24 1250 3136
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.

Fav 1 1331 1062
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese

(312): View more from Illinois

Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?

(630): View more from Illinois

I love you bro

Fav 10 3825 1087
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.

(732): View more from New Jersey

You said you were "testing the product for Chris."

(848): View more from New Jersey

I'm a bad man.

Fav 2 1857 1144
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth

Fav 3 1772 890
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.

(1-503): View more from Oregon

THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO

Fav 10 3022 923
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.

Fav 12 1370 804
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.

Fav 15 4169 1124
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?

(404): View more from Georgia

Things like this can't be explained over text man

Fav 22 4793 1584
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.

Fav 18 4525 1086
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!

(315): View more from New York

Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.

Fav 16 4600 1112
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.

Fav 24 4562 1102
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding

Fav 16 5470 1569
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.

Fav 4 4723 1032
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.

Fav 15 5179 1159
share tweet
(415): View more from California

She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.

Fav 19 5498 1092
share tweet
(714): View more from California

I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.

Fav 12 5414 795
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage

Fav 9 2578 1177
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

You want anything?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Gatorade and you naked.

Fav 10 3990 990
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.

Fav 13 3750 885
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.

(1-520): View more from Arizona

I can pencil you in at 3:30

Fav 8 3345 1235
share tweet
(251): View more from Alabama

THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.

Fav 14 1545 854
share tweet
(714): View more from California

She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.

Fav 4 1897 869
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

Lube is flammable

(404): View more from Georgia

Who is this??

Fav 19 4150 1102
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"

Fav 6 2522 949
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.

Fav 1 898 975
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist

Fav 12 901 2193
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital

Fav 4 974 1717
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.

Fav 6 1330 846
share tweet
(623): View more from Arizona

Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.

(1-623): View more from Arizona

That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me

Fav 8 3075 1010
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.

Fav 9 1522 1688
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.

Fav 29 4360 1013
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.

Fav 8 1241 790
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk

Fav 6 2314 822
share tweet
(916): View more from California

I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.

(1-916): View more from California

Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.

Fav 4 2907 817
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?

Fav 9 2999 894
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number

Fav 5 864 1968
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back

Fav 3 860 1435
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am

(248): View more from Michigan

Hahaha. That's funny.

(847): View more from Illinois

But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship

Fav 6 3564 905
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night

(1-847): View more from Illinois

that actually explains a lot

Fav 3 1861 780
share tweet
(772): View more from Florida

I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit

(1-772): View more from Florida

Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex

Fav 8 906 1580
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.

Fav 10 2048 871
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors

(1-775): View more from Nevada

Fuck he won the bet

Fav 18 2801 1312
share tweet
(949): View more from California

I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.

Fav 5 1809 1340
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?

Fav 10 2062 955
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.

Fav 4 2581 1039
share tweet
(916): View more from California

No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.

Fav 12 1386 2353
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

what about money

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

no - he has a code he lives by

Fav 11 2823 998
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.

Fav 5 2155 981
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way

Fav 9 2833 1326
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE

Fav 3 1536 717
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60

Fav 10 1629 1326
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood

Fav 20 4341 1439
share tweet
(441): View more from Bermuda-Carib

You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.

Fav 2 2134 1137
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.

(1-318): View more from Louisiana

Stop giving me tequila.

Fav 6 2523 861
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

Listen to me plotting my whoredom.

Fav 3 1758 764
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo

(410): View more from Maryland

Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.

Fav 2 1719 1210
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.

Fav 3 1523 718
share tweet
(619): View more from California

I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit

Fav 8 3071 1290
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.

Fav 3 3099 969
share tweet
(334): View more from Alabama

I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.

(334): View more from Alabama

I stand by my new policy.

Fav 4 1641 796
share tweet
(+65): View more from

Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.

Fav 1 1501 643
share tweet
(325): View more from Texas

You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...

Fav 6 1400 1226
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(

Fav 25 3812 1076
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.

Fav 19 3163 899
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.

Fav 19 5186 1183
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.

Fav 8 1767 761
share tweet
(626): View more from California

wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?

Fav 10 1244 997
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.

Fav 27 1157 3539
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"

Fav 1 1724 912
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.

Fav 11 2280 904
share tweet
(661): View more from California

It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas

Fav 9 1808 1043
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?

Fav 11 1558 1029
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.

Fav 23 1723 874
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.

Fav 13 1852 1048
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?

Fav 13 826 1786
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT

Fav 6 953 2931
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.

Fav 7 1297 3467
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"

Fav 1 2760 1062
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.

Fav 6 2179 888
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis

(773): View more from Illinois

Just arrived at our party

Fav 18 4120 1065
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.

Fav 11 2993 1333
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf

Fav 8 1451 933
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?

Fav 72 18827 3095
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake

Fav 50 6228 1367
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.

Fav 4 1211 1791
share tweet
(124): View more from

Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

Fav 107 32822 1972
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.

Fav 14 3293 873
share tweet
(530): View more from California

sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom

Fav 29 2551 840
share tweet
(660): View more from Missouri

He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.

(816): View more from Missouri

Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...

Fav 7 2056 1041
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.

Fav 3 2239 941
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol

(540): View more from Virginia

its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now

Fav 6 1912 801
share tweet
(805): View more from California

Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate

Fav 5 2255 828
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand

Fav 3 1754 828
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home

(647): View more from Ontario

Was he satisfied?

(416): View more from Toronto

No, and very vocal about it.

Fav 8 2810 1055
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.

Fav 13 3236 1240
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?

Fav 5 2011 859
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.

Fav 9 4145 1025
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.

Fav 10 1846 863
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night

Fav 4 1326 1233
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird

(269): View more from Michigan

OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO

Fav 3 2241 1074
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night

Fav 4 2416 892
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.

Fav 5 1723 981
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.

Fav 6 2960 1088
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.

Fav 22 5726 1099
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!

(508): View more from Massachusetts

He does that

Fav 4 2881 1078
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?

Fav 11 1646 934
share tweet
(789): View more from

You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down

Fav 2 1601 1152
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?

Fav 8 1908 849
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."

(1-208): View more from Idaho

Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.

(208): View more from Idaho

......... Poor kitty

Fav 9 1454 2282
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.

Fav 48 13247 2049
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.

Fav 34 11071 1842
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark

Fav 5 1951 971
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.

Fav 16 8866 1747
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order

Fav 12 5509 1543
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.

(339): View more from Massachusetts

No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.

Fav 34 10166 1766
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.

Fav 30 1600 6091
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married

(214): View more from Texas

What? They have three kids?

(512): View more from Texas

Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me

Fav 20 1161 6394
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..

Fav 10 1247 2053
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.

Fav 5 4557 1360
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Am i fat?

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Well i wouldnt let you on top

Fav 36 2198 9874
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Me too!

Fav 34 987 1528
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child

Fav 4 3177 1021
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...

Fav 17 2024 5958
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college

Fav 30 9204 922
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

Your dad touched me again.

Fav 31 2518 24509
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole

(425): View more from Washington

There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian

Fav 99 3051 24675
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.

Fav 91 2154 25266
share tweet
(408): View more from California

She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...

Fav 153 2495 26565
share tweet
(469): View more from Texas

I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!

Fav 46 1619 26701
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.

Fav 136 8442 56807
share tweet
(848): View more from New Jersey

I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa

Fav 152 6792 58679
share tweet
(325): View more from Texas

wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"

Fav 100 8301 61689
share tweet
(863): View more from Florida

I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..

Fav 121 5002 63833
share tweet
(308): View more from Nebraska

I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad

Fav 105 4840 68211
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

i want you now

(916): View more from California

you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this

Fav 148 8158 70872
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.

(1-404): View more from Georgia

Two?

(404): View more from Georgia

Two.

Fav 264 5191 80172
share tweet
(310): View more from California

ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.

Fav 175 7667 81655
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

Fav 1642 173837 44307
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

Fav 509 178642 8178
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye

(908): View more from New Jersey

AMAZING.

Fav 5 2518 1105
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.

Fav 20 2150 4766
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan

Fav 14 5698 1761
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.

Fav 8 5254 2430
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?

Fav 11 1633 2861
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Found your pants in the mailbox

(646): View more from New York

What were my pants doing in the mailbox?

(516): View more from New York

I don't know but there's postage on them

Fav 36 6422 1562
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar

(219): View more from Indiana

I need you to use more vowels.

Fav 15 8714 1478
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads

Fav 2 2978 1100
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'

Fav 12 1717 4221
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.

Fav 38 9001 1702
share tweet
(916): View more from California

Just got yelled at by a priest...again.

Fav 5 1758 973
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..

Fav 2 3411 1637
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out

Fav 16 2203 6179
share tweet
(559): View more from California

That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!

Fav 48 1835 3112
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH

(781): View more from Massachusetts

I love boston

Fav 37 9026 1509
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.

(330): View more from Ohio

Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.

Fav 22 951 5351
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear

Fav 5 1619 935
share tweet
(623): View more from Arizona

You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"

Fav 10 4370 1236
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.

Fav 15 5251 1430
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds

Fav 36 6671 1348
share tweet
(712): View more from Iowa

But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today

Fav 4 745 1533
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right

(631): View more from New York

Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15

(585): View more from New York

hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos

Fav 8 2449 879
share tweet
(714): View more from California

my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.

Fav 14 2923 1038
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night

Fav 18 3099 1003
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.

Fav 6 2441 956
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?

(502): View more from Kentucky

Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?

Fav 11 1972 937
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers

(847): View more from Illinois

I can't see you

(847): View more from Illinois

I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche

Fav 4 2873 932
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.

(314): View more from Missouri

Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.

Fav 30 5016 968
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner

Fav 7 2247 1591
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.

Fav 15 4835 2227
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.

Fav 18 4676 1568
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.

(571): View more from Virginia

define virginity.

Fav 17 6114 1895
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.

(404): View more from Georgia

Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.

Fav 13 1381 3651
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.

Fav 16 3536 1017
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose

Fav 11 5139 1379
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.

Fav 6 2467 1309
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything

Fav 12 2366 989
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.

Fav 7 8085 1246
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw

Fav 32 8653 1424
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted

Fav 21 5367 1049
share tweet
(310): View more from California

she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.

Fav 55 1139 11851
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch

Fav 4 1569 836
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"

Fav 16 2228 5287
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right

Fav 31 30394 1599
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries

Fav 24 920 2326
share tweet
(980): View more from North Carolina

I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?

Fav 11 1066 2610
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.

(1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies

Fav 11 4619 1216
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck

Fav 8 942 1455
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.

Fav 5 907 1671
share tweet
(361): View more from Texas

I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.

(1-361): View more from Texas

Ew! He's just a child!

(361): View more from Texas

AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.

Fav 46 4538 2513
share tweet
(361): View more from Texas

At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?

Fav 21 4809 1028
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Oh God.

Fav 20 5047 1083
share tweet
(925): View more from California

Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.

Fav 19 6817 1499
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.

Fav 25 7988 1661
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

Moan for me like Helen Keller

Fav 33 3003 1595
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.

Fav 47 12196 2838
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.

Fav 95 6261 1477
share tweet
(949): View more from California

I have no words

(951): View more from California

Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.

Fav 19 1399 2706
share tweet
(339): View more from Massachusetts

Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.

Fav 20 6555 1274
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.

Fav 16 4238 1221
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"

Fav 83 3988 3269
share tweet
(862): View more from New Jersey

i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life

Fav 52 1344 7365
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.

Fav 73 4665 6778
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side

Fav 54 10420 1986
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.

Fav 29 34806 1712
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Gong!

(1-253): View more from Washington

YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT

Fav 17 4743 1054
share tweet