My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
So many bounce houses so little time
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
This house was built for laser tag.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
mondays should just be called national damage control day
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
THAT is your concern right now?
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Come see our sink grown plant.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
either way he was missing a nipple.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
That's an oxymoron.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.