Texts From Last Night

ccurr's Favorites Texts:

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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand

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  (781): what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand http://tfl.nu/hzsn
  Replies (8) Good night (4333) Bad night (702) Order T-Shirt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...

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  (617): ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day... http://tfl.nu/iy3f
  Replies (13) Good night (825) Bad night (4325) Order T-Shirt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?

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  (617): what date should I let him know how fucked up I am? http://tfl.nu/6aws
  Replies (17) Good night (1011) Bad night (3895) Order T-Shirt
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.

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  (952): i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right. http://tfl.nu/wcm0
  Replies (46) Good night (5230) Bad night (1783) Order T-Shirt
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  (339): View more from Massachusetts

  He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.

  (1-203): View more from Connecticut

  And you didn't burst into flames?

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  (339): He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church. (1-203): And you didn't burst into flames? http://tfl.nu/aa0l
  Replies (14) Good night (4934) Bad night (676) Order T-Shirt
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  (339): View more from Massachusetts

  just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.

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  (339): just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth. http://tfl.nu/ap45
  Replies (38) Good night (8078) Bad night (861) Order T-Shirt
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Somerville?? What the hell are you going to do there?

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Watch a movie and have sloppy make outs OBVI. 45 Harris St. in case I die.

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  (781): Somerville?? What the hell are you going to do there? (603): Watch a movie and have sloppy make outs OBVI. 45 Harris St. in case I die. http://tfl.nu/1bcd
  Replies (12) Good night (857) Bad night (276)
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Call meee

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...

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  (603): Call meee (781): Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now... http://tfl.nu/j06g
  Replies (3) Good night (1327) Bad night (262)
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Hey I don't know if you will get this but all I know is you are so beautiful to .ee and? I dare anyone to stop me me from caring for you ante so beautiful so I kid you not gorgeous iyoiu are so beautiful to me i dare som.eone too stioo you

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  (781): Hey I don't know if you will get this but all I know is you are so beautiful to .ee and? I dare anyone to stop me me from caring for you ante so beautiful so I kid you not gorgeous iyoiu are so beautiful to me i dare som.eone too stioo you http://tfl.nu/mzki
  Replies (13) Good night (797) Bad night (601)
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.

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  (781): they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories. http://tfl.nu/7ndb
  Replies (4) Good night (931) Bad night (214) Order T-Shirt
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks

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  (781): I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks http://tfl.nu/m8t9
  Replies (8) Good night (1269) Bad night (232) Order T-Shirt
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.

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  (781): Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit. http://tfl.nu/7wtq
  Replies (2) Good night (403) Bad night (623) Order T-Shirt
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step

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  (781): I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step http://tfl.nu/hwjf
  Replies (24) Good night (3093) Bad night (365) Order T-Shirt
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I have one thing to say: spongebath.

  (1-781): View more from Massachusetts

  I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.

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  (781): I have one thing to say: spongebath. (1-781): I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all. http://tfl.nu/ojs2
  Replies (4) Good night (376) Bad night (2240) Order T-Shirt
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis

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  (781): Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis http://tfl.nu/4nxt
  Replies (22) Good night (3532) Bad night (456) Order T-Shirt
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.

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  (781): Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart. http://tfl.nu/ct0g
  Replies (5) Good night (518) Bad night (3397) Order T-Shirt
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.

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  (781): i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up. http://tfl.nu/navv
  Replies (12) Good night (4426) Bad night (494) Order T-Shirt
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  (207): View more from Maine

  There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself

  (207): View more from Maine

  OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...

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  (207): There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself (207): OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE (781): Sounds like a good blink 182 concert... http://tfl.nu/nai8
  Replies (27) Good night (664) Bad night (3605)
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.

  (1-781): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.

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  (781): Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning. (1-781): I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon. http://tfl.nu/wxu1
  Replies (19) Good night (5702) Bad night (349)
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.

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  (781): Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have. http://tfl.nu/ze45
  Replies (8) Good night (3093) Bad night (903) Order T-Shirt
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?

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  (781): does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant? http://tfl.nu/3cg3
  Replies (56) Good night (3910) Bad night (889) Order T-Shirt
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

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  (781): I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed http://tfl.nu/sznd
  Replies (124) Good night (122225) Bad night (2213) Order T-Shirt
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys

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  (781): They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys http://tfl.nu/3nq8
  Replies (33) Good night (4540) Bad night (579)
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!

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  (781): yours is so small it looks like an acorn!! http://tfl.nu/y1ac
  Replies (23) Good night (354) Bad night (4299) Order T-Shirt
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  then i met college

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  (781): when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton (781): then i met college http://tfl.nu/kd7x
  Replies (17) Good night (5975) Bad night (529)
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency

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  (781): it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency http://tfl.nu/st67
  Replies (20) Good night (3491) Bad night (483) Order T-Shirt
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.

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  (781): I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket. http://tfl.nu/zypb
  Replies (51) Good night (502) Bad night (4427) Order T-Shirt
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.

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  (781): I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation. http://tfl.nu/r77c
  Replies (19) Good night (4800) Bad night (1009) Order T-Shirt
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?

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  (781): did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt? http://tfl.nu/bzrm
  Replies (26) Good night (3990) Bad night (498) Order T-Shirt
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse

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  (781): Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse http://tfl.nu/l7qs
  Replies (46) Good night (617) Bad night (7279) Order T-Shirt
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I hate that ur telling me this.

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  (860): remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection (781): I hate that ur telling me this. http://tfl.nu/g3sb
  Replies (19) Good night (730) Bad night (4120)
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it

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  (781): im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it http://tfl.nu/9c7c
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes

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  (781): At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes http://tfl.nu/p42l
  Replies (10) Good night (3133) Bad night (911) Order T-Shirt
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.

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  (781): He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie. http://tfl.nu/a1e2
  Replies (12) Good night (3672) Bad night (654) Order T-Shirt
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.

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  (781): The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over. http://tfl.nu/6slb
  Replies (18) Good night (329) Bad night (4189) Order T-Shirt
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive

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  (781): Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive http://tfl.nu/cgnf
  Replies (13) Good night (2093) Bad night (3567) Order T-Shirt
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.

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  (781): PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy. http://tfl.nu/qjlc
  Replies (9) Good night (3935) Bad night (293) Order T-Shirt
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  video games are the ultimate cock blocker

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  (781): video games are the ultimate cock blocker http://tfl.nu/a2qu
  Replies (42) Good night (609) Bad night (3813) Order T-Shirt
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special

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  (781): my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special http://tfl.nu/2mea
  Replies (63) Good night (15733) Bad night (1546) Order T-Shirt
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  he breathalyzed me before we had sex.

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  (781): he breathalyzed me before we had sex. http://tfl.nu/k1vd
  Replies (41) Good night (2406) Bad night (5394) Order T-Shirt
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough

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  (781): i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough http://tfl.nu/ltrw
  Replies (15) Good night (3429) Bad night (793) Order T-Shirt
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...

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  (781): I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer... http://tfl.nu/rcmz
  Replies (22) Good night (2630) Bad night (630) Order T-Shirt
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.

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  (781): So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets. http://tfl.nu/zt9l
  Replies (12) Good night (372) Bad night (4600) Order T-Shirt
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.

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  (781): he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me. http://tfl.nu/iw9a
  Replies (19) Good night (779) Bad night (3454) Order T-Shirt
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like

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  (781): At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like http://tfl.nu/8q6a
  Replies (18) Good night (939) Bad night (4280) Order T-Shirt
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore

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  (781): I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore http://tfl.nu/jp8t
  Replies (19) Good night (679) Bad night (3852) Order T-Shirt
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.

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  (781): So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger. (603): Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat. http://tfl.nu/6067
  Replies (19) Good night (6354) Bad night (820)
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.

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  (781): I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin. http://tfl.nu/37ur
  Replies (43) Good night (949) Bad night (8640) Order T-Shirt
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss

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  (781): My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss http://tfl.nu/yqt0
  Replies (17) Good night (8200) Bad night (686) Order T-Shirt
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece

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  (781): You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece http://tfl.nu/uonr
  Replies (7) Good night (707) Bad night (2558) Order T-Shirt
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.

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  (781): No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you. http://tfl.nu/cz2r
  Replies (11) Good night (4151) Bad night (701) Order T-Shirt
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.

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  (781): he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where. http://tfl.nu/dvsr
  Replies (3) Good night (3052) Bad night (1037) Order T-Shirt
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.

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  (774): well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday. http://tfl.nu/vkd1
  Replies (5) Good night (5668) Bad night (933) Order T-Shirt
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.

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  (774): According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth. http://tfl.nu/1yfv
  Replies (16) Good night (2551) Bad night (2443) Order T-Shirt
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  when did we get a doorman?

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  we were also in the wrong building...

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  (203): yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman. (508): when did we get a doorman? (203): we were also in the wrong building... http://tfl.nu/c2ke
  Replies (15) Good night (6499) Bad night (704)
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.

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  (508): my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together. http://tfl.nu/95cx
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.

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  (978): he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey. http://tfl.nu/pfjh
  Replies (19) Good night (6252) Bad night (691) Order T-Shirt
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.

  (1-978): View more from Massachusetts

  Wait until you see the roof.

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  (978): Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help. (1-978): Wait until you see the roof. http://tfl.nu/itso
  Replies (34) Good night (4270) Bad night (1210) Order T-Shirt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.

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  (617): After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left. http://tfl.nu/2zbc
  Replies (1) Good night (4858) Bad night (571) Order T-Shirt
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.

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  (508): he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time. http://tfl.nu/9x69
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.

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  (617): I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while. http://tfl.nu/clpn
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time

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  (617): he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time http://tfl.nu/x6gg
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.

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  (617): I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples. http://tfl.nu/l51o
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.

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  (617): Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant. http://tfl.nu/y6pb
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia

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  (978): I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia http://tfl.nu/pfmm
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.

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  (978): Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win. http://tfl.nu/r148
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.

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  (781): I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house. http://tfl.nu/8emi
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE

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  (508): I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE http://tfl.nu/54pd
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice

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  (617): thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice http://tfl.nu/qv1j
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?

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  (617): WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL? http://tfl.nu/2onf
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"

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  (617): it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast" http://tfl.nu/sn1x
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"

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  (781): then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints" http://tfl.nu/ml68
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Houston, we have a problem

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  where are u?

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.

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  (617): Houston, we have a problem (781): where are u? (617): Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here. http://tfl.nu/zyw6
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number

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  (617): i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number http://tfl.nu/mfjx
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.

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  (416): The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife. http://tfl.nu/rajf
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  (916): View more from California

  17 year olds will be the death of me.

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  (916): 17 year olds will be the death of me. http://tfl.nu/j3yc
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic

  (1-402): View more from Nebraska

  i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.

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  (402): yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic (1-402): i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities. http://tfl.nu/psst
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.

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  (781): I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue. http://tfl.nu/4rks
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.

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  (617): I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw. http://tfl.nu/9aqz
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.

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  (617): it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina. http://tfl.nu/7xv1
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice

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  (732): You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice http://tfl.nu/hsgc
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"

  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  To a 70 year old lady?!

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  (508): Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face" (774): To a 70 year old lady?! http://tfl.nu/99j2
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that

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  (508): I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that http://tfl.nu/gfaw
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.

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  (508): I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me. http://tfl.nu/i71i
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear

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  (978): on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear http://tfl.nu/5oby
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".

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  (617): she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case". http://tfl.nu/rki3
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest

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  (401): i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest http://tfl.nu/hnl6
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness

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  (617): I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness http://tfl.nu/m7sl
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.

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  (613): She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard". (202): Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded. http://tfl.nu/4upv
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.

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  (410): He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week. http://tfl.nu/7fuh
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"

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  (970): ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and" http://tfl.nu/hqw1
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.

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  (203): Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester. http://tfl.nu/4eoz
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker

  (914): View more from New York

  Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.

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  (617): I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker (914): Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high. http://tfl.nu/0o33
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  (207): View more from Maine

  You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.

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  (207): You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee. http://tfl.nu/mtea
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf

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  (503): My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf http://tfl.nu/5frw
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water

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  (508): He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water http://tfl.nu/2dzm
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  (207): View more from Maine

  dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat

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  (207): dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat http://tfl.nu/ast4
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers

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  (617): i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers http://tfl.nu/ovgd
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.

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  (617): And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today. http://tfl.nu/vsrl
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.

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  (440): i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad. http://tfl.nu/60es
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??

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  (978): Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"?? http://tfl.nu/v3ie
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  (518): View more from New York

  As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.

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  (518): As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon. http://tfl.nu/t4x8
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?

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  (781): what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to? http://tfl.nu/2zz0
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?

  (910): View more from North Carolina

  succeeding

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  (781): we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives? (910): succeeding http://tfl.nu/avwv
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.

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  (617): We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well. http://tfl.nu/7kjf
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar

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  (508): Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar http://tfl.nu/vekl
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  (339): View more from Massachusetts

  I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette

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  (339): I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette http://tfl.nu/67ko
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I love boston

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  (781): The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH (781): I love boston http://tfl.nu/jz0y
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.

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  (508): My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life. http://tfl.nu/p0ex
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.

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  (508): I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week. http://tfl.nu/6t8r
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator

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  (781): the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator http://tfl.nu/8mwn
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex

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  (978): i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex http://tfl.nu/k76b
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  (857): View more from Massachusetts

  Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!

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  (857): Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?! http://tfl.nu/m6me
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  (857): View more from Massachusetts

  Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.

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  (857): Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time. http://tfl.nu/rsq1
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  (857): View more from Massachusetts

  my soul wont recognize me after tonight

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  (857): my soul wont recognize me after tonight http://tfl.nu/7s35
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  (857): View more from Massachusetts

  seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

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  (857): seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable. http://tfl.nu/zho9
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  (857): View more from Massachusetts

  Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.

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  (857): Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark. http://tfl.nu/cekc
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  (516): View more from New York

  It was kind of weird

  (857): View more from Massachusetts

  What did your mom walk in?

  (516): View more from New York

  She flung her tampon across the room.

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  (516): It was kind of weird (857): What did your mom walk in? (516): She flung her tampon across the room. http://tfl.nu/h6pq
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  (857): View more from Massachusetts

  we have officially mastered the walk of shame

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  (857): we have officially mastered the walk of shame http://tfl.nu/pg06
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  (857): View more from Massachusetts

  Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'

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  (857): Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7' http://tfl.nu/hrls
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  (857): View more from Massachusetts

  I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?

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  (857): I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars? http://tfl.nu/0mdx
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  (857): View more from Massachusetts

  Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.

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  (857): Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility. http://tfl.nu/agqx
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.

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  (508): he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that. http://tfl.nu/38s6
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.

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  (616): this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line. http://tfl.nu/kz2e
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card

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  (978): almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card http://tfl.nu/wy4z
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken

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  (508): The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken http://tfl.nu/dqor
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  (339): View more from Massachusetts

  so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...

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  (339): so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning... http://tfl.nu/swvs
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?

  (339): View more from Massachusetts

  Oh yeah that.

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  (781): WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND? (339): Oh yeah that. http://tfl.nu/clil
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  (339): View more from Massachusetts

  Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car

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  (339): Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car http://tfl.nu/oon7
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  (339): View more from Massachusetts

  He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.

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  (339): He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning. http://tfl.nu/40hx
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  (339): View more from Massachusetts

  When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave

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  (339): When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave http://tfl.nu/n4gt
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there

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  (774): im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there http://tfl.nu/wpso
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.

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  (617): Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club. http://tfl.nu/jnj2
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts

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  (508): Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts http://tfl.nu/tjd5
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???

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  (770): Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives??? http://tfl.nu/8m9c
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  (207): View more from Maine

  I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well

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  (207): I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well http://tfl.nu/bwmv
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day

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  (617): started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day http://tfl.nu/20xi
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  (518): View more from New York

  I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.

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  (518): I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire. http://tfl.nu/37qo
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree

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  (617): I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree http://tfl.nu/6ra8
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.

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  (617): He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him. http://tfl.nu/v8g0
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  (518): View more from New York

  his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"

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  (518): his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed" http://tfl.nu/g8fj
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.

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  (508): All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed. http://tfl.nu/eckq
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  (207): View more from Maine

  so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.

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  (207): so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable. http://tfl.nu/pqak
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm

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  (508): Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm http://tfl.nu/fqql
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.

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  (508): My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that. http://tfl.nu/cfj7
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.

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  (978): she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head. http://tfl.nu/uhfs
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.

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  (978): You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober. http://tfl.nu/95jv
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.

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  (781): I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing. http://tfl.nu/7fgj
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.

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  (781): Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him. http://tfl.nu/iiv7
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

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  (617): just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole http://tfl.nu/otvq
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  u sound so gay right now

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  (617): I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me. (978): u sound so gay right now http://tfl.nu/zm49
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue

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  (617): Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue http://tfl.nu/zfyk
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...

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  (617): she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her... http://tfl.nu/azzw
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.

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  (617): Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem. http://tfl.nu/80or
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

   Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe

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  (781): Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe http://tfl.nu/gdp0
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..

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  (781): Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22.. http://tfl.nu/txsi
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.

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  (781): Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster. http://tfl.nu/zgi0
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  You can't wash away shame.

  (1-781): View more from Massachusetts

  I can try.

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  (781): You can't wash away shame. (1-781): I can try. http://tfl.nu/os07
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.

  (1-781): View more from Massachusetts

  didn't that happen to you last weekend?

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  shut up.

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  (781): i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention. (1-781): didn't that happen to you last weekend? (781): shut up. http://tfl.nu/cv2d
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.

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  (781): I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore. http://tfl.nu/ktqn
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm home now. bring me food and boobies

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  (781): I'm home now. bring me food and boobies http://tfl.nu/wuzk
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry

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  (781): btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry http://tfl.nu/6odg
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too

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  (781): i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too http://tfl.nu/262s
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen

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  (781): my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen http://tfl.nu/zgta
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet

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  (781): Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet http://tfl.nu/haby
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm starting a business if you want to get involved

  (1-781): View more from Massachusetts

  oh boy

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings

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  (781): I'm starting a business if you want to get involved (1-781): oh boy (781): Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings http://tfl.nu/e1eb
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  (857): View more from Massachusetts

  I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.

  (1-857): View more from Massachusetts

  Doors?

  (857): View more from Massachusetts

  Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.

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  (857): I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now. (1-857): Doors? (857): Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet. http://tfl.nu/ic4r
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.

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  (617): Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas. http://tfl.nu/4pw4
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  so when am I gonna get some from you?

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  when you dick grows 3 inches

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  (202): so when am I gonna get some from you? (617): when you dick grows 3 inches http://tfl.nu/rd2p
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava

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  (617): His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava http://tfl.nu/q9zi
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start

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  (617): Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start http://tfl.nu/p90c
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.

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  (617): she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment. http://tfl.nu/vrz7
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj

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  (617): anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj http://tfl.nu/74ok
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.

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  (617): She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her. http://tfl.nu/25nb
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed

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  (617): Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed http://tfl.nu/d8dr
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  you have to choose: penises or morals?

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  (617): you have to choose: penises or morals? http://tfl.nu/bzpz
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  wtf, did you fuck a retard?!

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  (860): he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape (617): wtf, did you fuck a retard?! http://tfl.nu/q1iv
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you

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  (617): I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you http://tfl.nu/59jr
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head

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  (617): You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head http://tfl.nu/n3kb
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.

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  (617): I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront. http://tfl.nu/9odf
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I just found out I have a small penis.

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?

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  (617): I just found out I have a small penis. (781): Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend? http://tfl.nu/6gqe
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital

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  (617): i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital http://tfl.nu/4e4x
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.

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  (617): he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant (617): then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him. http://tfl.nu/q2li
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape

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  (617): May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape http://tfl.nu/qfom
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off

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  (617): my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off http://tfl.nu/ogtq
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  There is no way he is gay with that hair.

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  (617): There is no way he is gay with that hair. http://tfl.nu/3fbq
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.

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  (617): There's a vagina buried somewhere in there. http://tfl.nu/t83u
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again

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  (617): you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again http://tfl.nu/3f6n
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"

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  (617): So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK" http://tfl.nu/gedz
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  there was a trapeze. enough said

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  (617): there was a trapeze. enough said http://tfl.nu/096f
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?

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  (617): What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you? http://tfl.nu/svb6
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.

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  (617): it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before. http://tfl.nu/1u0r
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?

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  (617): My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned? http://tfl.nu/bm6r
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours

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  (617): i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours http://tfl.nu/0tnj
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.

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  (617): living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST. http://tfl.nu/nhyx
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  (641): View more from Iowa

  she has no idea who harrison ford is.

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s

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  (641): she has no idea who harrison ford is. (617): see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s http://tfl.nu/0yb7
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.

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  (617): I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot. http://tfl.nu/tunm
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate

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  (617): quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate http://tfl.nu/fqo5
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord

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  (617): Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord http://tfl.nu/e1xr
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.

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  (617): Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south. http://tfl.nu/h1ys
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.

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  (617): This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us. http://tfl.nu/j1fo
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.

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  (617): Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street. http://tfl.nu/miwy
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  She said she didn't have time to shave "there"

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.

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  (781): She said she didn't have time to shave "there" (617): Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster. http://tfl.nu/ama3
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.

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  (617): it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together. http://tfl.nu/iel6
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube

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  (617): I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube http://tfl.nu/ozne
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?

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  (401): how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much? (617): how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore? http://tfl.nu/k1y1
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  (207): View more from Maine

  I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  We call that spaghetti Os

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  (207): I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it (617): We call that spaghetti Os http://tfl.nu/dgrn
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.

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  (617): Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die. http://tfl.nu/uh26
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back

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  (617): but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back http://tfl.nu/ogq4
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.

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  (919): i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off (617): he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich. http://tfl.nu/ubgv
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  (857): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm glad girls dont get visible erections

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  But, it would have made life so much easier...

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  (857): I'm glad girls dont get visible erections (617 ): But, it would have made life so much easier... http://tfl.nu/zuky
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?

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  (617): Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it? http://tfl.nu/1qwp
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet

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  (617): just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet http://tfl.nu/fxai
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?

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  (617): is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again? http://tfl.nu/0m4c
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.

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  (617): That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head. http://tfl.nu/g2zg
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...

  (716): View more from New York

  what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  self-loathing.

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  (617): omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night... (716): what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk? (617): self-loathing. http://tfl.nu/qojo
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom

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  (617): Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.' (617): we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom http://tfl.nu/ju2m
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  (857): View more from Massachusetts

  So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  And why did you do that?

  (857): View more from Massachusetts

  Tequila

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  (857): So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose. (617): And why did you do that? (857): Tequila http://tfl.nu/gjpj
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang

  (1-617): View more from Massachusetts

  ru fi oooo

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  (617): i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang (1-617): ru fi oooo http://tfl.nu/syl6
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.

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  (617): Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston. http://tfl.nu/p3k5
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased

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  (617): Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased http://tfl.nu/sw63
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  What? You're not speaking real words.

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  (423): I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me (617): What? You're not speaking real words. http://tfl.nu/o2go
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.

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  (617): So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park. http://tfl.nu/bxwf
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move

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  (617): Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move http://tfl.nu/h692
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them

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  (617): were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them http://tfl.nu/uwjn
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine

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  (617): i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine http://tfl.nu/ryw8
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?

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  (617): This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off? http://tfl.nu/xunp
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?

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  (617): At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic? http://tfl.nu/efxp
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?

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  (617): why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency? http://tfl.nu/lb38
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  but fathers day is next sunday

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet

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  (781): i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day (617): but fathers day is next sunday (781): i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet http://tfl.nu/pxvx
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.

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  (617): I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian. http://tfl.nu/jfuh
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I cannot find my penis.

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  (617): I cannot find my penis. http://tfl.nu/w331
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Non-Jews are for practice

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  (617): Non-Jews are for practice http://tfl.nu/ikoa
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Where were you when I was single???

  (1-617): View more from Massachusetts

  Still in diapers.

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  (617): Where were you when I was single??? (1-617): Still in diapers. http://tfl.nu/ngk8
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?

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  (617): There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man? http://tfl.nu/v739
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.

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  (617): M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad. http://tfl.nu/r9d8
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.

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  (617): yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9. http://tfl.nu/1zb6
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.

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  (617): whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker. http://tfl.nu/hnpp
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  you want 1 or 2 eggos?

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  (617): i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions (617): you want 1 or 2 eggos? http://tfl.nu/kwdg
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.

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  (617): You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable. http://tfl.nu/i02t
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.

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  (617): dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick. http://tfl.nu/lewu
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs

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  (617): come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs http://tfl.nu/knkn
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I am puke

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  (617): I am puke http://tfl.nu/8ec4
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!

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  (617): Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out! http://tfl.nu/knp1
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  (925): View more from California

  so explain again why im purple

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  no

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  (925): so explain again why im purple (617): no http://tfl.nu/yipi
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I can't watch pbs sober anymore

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  (617): I can't watch pbs sober anymore http://tfl.nu/lnl5
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Did you hit it?

  (616): View more from Michigan

  Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.

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  (617): Did you hit it? (616): Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes. http://tfl.nu/3ocm
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin

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  (617): Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin http://tfl.nu/g5qp
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm half single.

  (773): View more from Illinois

  Please tell me it's the bottom half.

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  (617): I'm half single. (773): Please tell me it's the bottom half. http://tfl.nu/3fsx
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?

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  (617): I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila? http://tfl.nu/4qsv
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.

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  (617): So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon. http://tfl.nu/mzh2
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name

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  (617): Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name http://tfl.nu/lls6
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises

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  (617): Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises http://tfl.nu/cep7
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i feel rough

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.

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  (617): i feel rough (617): just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE. http://tfl.nu/6foz
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  have fun at tinkers! p.s. are there any hot guys who look like they wanna wait until marriage to have sex?

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  (617): have fun at tinkers! p.s. are there any hot guys who look like they wanna wait until marriage to have sex? http://tfl.nu/34zp
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Remember that time you hooked up with him?

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  (908): Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit? (617) Remember that time you hooked up with him? http://tfl.nu/yz0c
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill

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  (617): Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill http://tfl.nu/gt09
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!

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  (617): Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them! http://tfl.nu/ih83
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him

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  (617): OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him http://tfl.nu/b4mt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face

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  (617): yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face http://tfl.nu/3atc
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.

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  (617): Yes. UR adorable in a weird way. http://tfl.nu/w3l6
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.

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  (617): a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo. http://tfl.nu/rlno
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble

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  (617): when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble http://tfl.nu/6bym
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  (857): View more from Massachusetts

  He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Yo quero taco bell

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  (857): He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef (617): Yo quero taco bell http://tfl.nu/9ye7
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  ready 4 sex 2nite?

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  wow. woo me matt, woo me.

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  (847): ready 4 sex 2nite? (978): wow. woo me matt, woo me. http://tfl.nu/frhd
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  you want me

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  i'd rather choke on a dick.

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  (773): you want me (978): i'd rather choke on a dick. http://tfl.nu/nrvz
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Who is this?

  (407): View more from Florida

  Who do you want it to be?

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Sarah Palin

  (407): View more from Florida

  I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde

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  (978): Who is this? (407): Who do you want it to be? (978): Sarah Palin (407): I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde http://tfl.nu/hfjt
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Yeah, where have you been?

  (407): View more from Florida

  Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.

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  (978): Yeah, where have you been? (407): Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus. http://tfl.nu/jpxm
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  im ready to get crazy and take my wig off

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  (978): im ready to get crazy and take my wig off http://tfl.nu/0nn5
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record

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  (978): I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record http://tfl.nu/cq61
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.

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  (978): I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud. http://tfl.nu/nbnf
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it

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  (978): Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it http://tfl.nu/f2y4
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling

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  (978): I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling http://tfl.nu/hfj0
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.

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  (978): I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it. http://tfl.nu/p2ch
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.

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  (978): Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you. http://tfl.nu/pcz9
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I would do horrible things to your vagina.

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Prove it.

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  (617): I would do horrible things to your vagina. (978): Prove it. http://tfl.nu/qld3
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom

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  (978): Why are you at a bar in Connecticut? (617): Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom http://tfl.nu/akoi
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened

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  (978): i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened http://tfl.nu/l318
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Good decisions....

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up

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  (401): Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant (978): Good decisions.... (401): Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up http://tfl.nu/4ade
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.

  (1-978): View more from Massachusetts

  woah 15?

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  i know! what is this dateline?

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  (978): dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation. (1-978): woah 15? (978): i know! what is this dateline? http://tfl.nu/8i0q
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.

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  (978): every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y. http://tfl.nu/xtds
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this

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  (978): Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this http://tfl.nu/fyek
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  mornings like this make me wish i was morman.

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  (978): mornings like this make me wish i was morman. http://tfl.nu/eeuj
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo

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  (978): so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo http://tfl.nu/rg6x
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand

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  (978): During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand http://tfl.nu/wt71
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.

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  (978): Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant. http://tfl.nu/yb46
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven

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  (978): i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven http://tfl.nu/9auj
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?

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  (978): Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am? http://tfl.nu/38zg
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.

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  (978): I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work. http://tfl.nu/5w8x
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  dude are you serious?

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I know you already have a pic on your phone

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  (978): Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave (617): dude are you serious? (978): I know you already have a pic on your phone http://tfl.nu/k6lt
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.

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  (978): Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success. http://tfl.nu/7k1i
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good

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  (978): Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good http://tfl.nu/k903
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame

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  (978): my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame http://tfl.nu/nyuc
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.

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  (978): I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b. http://tfl.nu/o2b7
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.

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  (978): highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother. http://tfl.nu/jmn9
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny

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  (978): it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny http://tfl.nu/hpxx
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.

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  (856): its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer. (978): college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you. http://tfl.nu/udtk
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you

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  (978): There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you http://tfl.nu/oh5b
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.

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  (978): Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please. http://tfl.nu/4k32
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.

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  (978): We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted. http://tfl.nu/sak4
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping

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  (978): everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping http://tfl.nu/lm3k
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night

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  (978): my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night http://tfl.nu/ky4c
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.

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  (978): Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war. http://tfl.nu/fra3
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen

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  (978): Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen http://tfl.nu/ycl6
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.

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  (978): I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb. http://tfl.nu/h3os
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?

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  (978): ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm? http://tfl.nu/7m7e
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.

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  (978): You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy. http://tfl.nu/bldo
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?

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  (978): one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket? http://tfl.nu/emia
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.

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  (978): I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night. http://tfl.nu/sljh
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.

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  (978): why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk. http://tfl.nu/9kux
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates

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  (978): If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates http://tfl.nu/qzzm
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it

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  (978): Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it http://tfl.nu/eab6
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...

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  (978): guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out... http://tfl.nu/78da
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)

  (1-978): View more from Massachusetts

  this is your brother

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  (978): im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;) (1-978): this is your brother http://tfl.nu/l4xz
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.

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  (978): The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room. http://tfl.nu/rw2d
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops

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  (978): Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops http://tfl.nu/wqmx
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis

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  (978): i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis http://tfl.nu/3jq7
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay

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  (781): So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay http://tfl.nu/35ja
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.

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  (617): She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl. http://tfl.nu/oaik
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?

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  (203): We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad? http://tfl.nu/ilwk
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.

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  (508): i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude. http://tfl.nu/zgqp
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed

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  (617): i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed http://tfl.nu/c1fn
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  (207): View more from Maine

  Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.

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  (207): Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present. http://tfl.nu/yqaq
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  (518): View more from New York

  She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.

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  (518): She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change. http://tfl.nu/rlg4
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.

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  (617): i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no. http://tfl.nu/n7ti
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  they had a keg party to fund her abortion.

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  (617): they had a keg party to fund her abortion. http://tfl.nu/e4dr
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.

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  (617): Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning. http://tfl.nu/86da
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?

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  (617): So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus? http://tfl.nu/bsxq
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt

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  (617): He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt http://tfl.nu/0t60
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  (857): View more from Massachusetts

  I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  you want to re-phrase that?

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  (857): I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner (617): you want to re-phrase that? http://tfl.nu/lax1
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling

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  (617): i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling http://tfl.nu/51p6
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.

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  (617): I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not. http://tfl.nu/e6fg
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.

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  (617): found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked. http://tfl.nu/pme2
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight

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  (617): yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight http://tfl.nu/f9xl
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.

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  (617): been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good. http://tfl.nu/r5yz
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.

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  (617): The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke. http://tfl.nu/s0m0
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Umm..who the fuck is this?

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Oh shit

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  (781): Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them? (617): Umm..who the fuck is this? (781): Oh shit http://tfl.nu/ik4c
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.

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  (617): I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation. http://tfl.nu/k6x3
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you

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  (617): a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you</3 http://tfl.nu/z6s1
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall

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  (617): I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall http://tfl.nu/nke4
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we

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  (617): We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we http://tfl.nu/nsr3
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.

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  (617): Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar. http://tfl.nu/mo7u
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground

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  (617): were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground http://tfl.nu/2c7r
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?

  (1-617): View more from Massachusetts

  Yes but- 100% agreed

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  (617): I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick? (1-617): Yes but- 100% agreed http://tfl.nu/cz25
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.

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  (617): I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster. http://tfl.nu/4sze
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.

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  (617): i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good. http://tfl.nu/gykq
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.

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  (617): i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it. http://tfl.nu/hw4z
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  you mean i was at the winter classic?

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  (617): you mean i was at the winter classic? http://tfl.nu/ck5g
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.

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  (617): his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family. http://tfl.nu/jlgb
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave

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  (617): he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave http://tfl.nu/ypxh
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.

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  (617): i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk. http://tfl.nu/yxee
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences

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  (617): heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences http://tfl.nu/f7mm
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good

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  (978): I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good http://tfl.nu/mzsl
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party

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  (978): i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party http://tfl.nu/osnp
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila

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  (508): Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila http://tfl.nu/42fz
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Happy St. Patrick's Day.

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  (502): I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen.... (508): Happy St. Patrick's Day. http://tfl.nu/t6ex
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day

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  (508): dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day http://tfl.nu/82u7
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.

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  (508): I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave. http://tfl.nu/zhay
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.

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  (508): I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car. http://tfl.nu/9e5w
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose

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  (781): im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose http://tfl.nu/q51l
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  (585): View more from New York

  ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried

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  (585): ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried http://tfl.nu/b5zu
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?

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  (508): I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation? http://tfl.nu/jmz5
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.

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  (256): Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade. http://tfl.nu/llb7
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  (857): View more from Massachusetts

  So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?

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  (857): So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month? http://tfl.nu/9rfa
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.

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  (314): Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced. http://tfl.nu/yqud
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".

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  (401): My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets". http://tfl.nu/hqdk
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?

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  (978): is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl? http://tfl.nu/dwko
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"

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  (978): why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm" http://tfl.nu/ynyp
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.

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  (978): i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night. http://tfl.nu/0hsp
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.

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  (978): Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially. http://tfl.nu/gw0l
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  he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket

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  (978): he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket http://tfl.nu/jdxn
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  just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors

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  (978): just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors http://tfl.nu/9psa
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  i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear

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  (978): i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear http://tfl.nu/0b07
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  I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea

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  (978): I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea http://tfl.nu/kyal
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  imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with

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  (978): imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with http://tfl.nu/3tvk
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  benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.

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  (978): benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are. http://tfl.nu/ifpr
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  I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?

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  (978): I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to? http://tfl.nu/b64u
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  i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day

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  (978): i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day http://tfl.nu/1bya
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  my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?

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  (978): my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD? http://tfl.nu/bj44
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  my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.

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  (978): my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck. http://tfl.nu/9a64
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  we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me

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  (978): we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me http://tfl.nu/ax47
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  suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.

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  (978): suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg. http://tfl.nu/rk1z
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  you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with

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  (978): you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with http://tfl.nu/g7w5
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  so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!

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  (978): so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole! http://tfl.nu/ivhw
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  she sounds like chewbacca in bed

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  (978): she sounds like chewbacca in bed http://tfl.nu/5g24
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  he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou

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  (978): he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou http://tfl.nu/bfpm
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  You went to church with your boobs hanging out?

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.

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  (937): You went to church with your boobs hanging out? (978): Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well. http://tfl.nu/nomt
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  i used baking grease as lip gloss

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  (978): i used baking grease as lip gloss http://tfl.nu/a8ny
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  Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?

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  (978): Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before? http://tfl.nu/qhly
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  watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.

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  (978): watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night. http://tfl.nu/ve5u
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  your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.

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  (978): your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop. http://tfl.nu/x1i9
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  My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.

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  (978): My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober. http://tfl.nu/yr07
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  and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.

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  (978): and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic. http://tfl.nu/tsdy
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  you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.

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  (978): you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant. http://tfl.nu/88h4
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  She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo

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  (978): She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo http://tfl.nu/4j6u
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  u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour

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  (978): u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour http://tfl.nu/oz5v
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  we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.

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  (978): we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now. http://tfl.nu/2hw3
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  a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land

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  (978): a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land http://tfl.nu/vapb
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  saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?

  (1-978): View more from Massachusetts

  well apparently not.

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  (978): saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in? (1-978): well apparently not. http://tfl.nu/kqax
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  Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?

  (1-978): View more from Massachusetts

  Nah. I did too.

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  (978): Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him? (1-978): Nah. I did too. http://tfl.nu/9ism
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  ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have

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  (978): ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have http://tfl.nu/u3xa
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  i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE

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  (978): i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE http://tfl.nu/7vd6
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  so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?

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  (978): so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call? http://tfl.nu/91ao
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  dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.

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  (978): dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina. http://tfl.nu/gwo8
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  she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.

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  (508): she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock. http://tfl.nu/5spj
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  my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.

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  (508): my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter. http://tfl.nu/lkrq
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.

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  (508): i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer. http://tfl.nu/bdc9
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  I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.

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  (508): I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man. http://tfl.nu/yrla
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  Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK

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  (508): Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK http://tfl.nu/0izu
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  Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again

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  (508): Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again http://tfl.nu/am23
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  I'm so horny!

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm so hungry

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  WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  For your pussy...

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  (508): I'm so horny! (781): I'm so hungry (508): WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY! (781): For your pussy... http://tfl.nu/7j50
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear

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  ...this stays between you and me

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  (508): so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear (401): ...this stays between you and me http://tfl.nu/qjou
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  Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.

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  Where are you?

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Strip Club

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  (508): Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends. (617): Where are you? (508): Strip Club http://tfl.nu/9e3o
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  just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them

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  (508): just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them http://tfl.nu/j2g6
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  well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today

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  (508): well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today http://tfl.nu/xvys
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame

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  (508): dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move (617): that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame http://tfl.nu/79g6
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  Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.

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  (508): Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one. http://tfl.nu/qdhb
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  If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.

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  (508): If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you. http://tfl.nu/1yt8
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  Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby

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  (508): Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby http://tfl.nu/pq9s
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  i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night

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  (603): i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening (508): yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night http://tfl.nu/fae5
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it

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  (508): If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it http://tfl.nu/rn2p
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  i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.

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  (508): i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer. http://tfl.nu/xz6n
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  For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.

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  (508): For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality. http://tfl.nu/clti
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi

  (214): View more from Texas

  ok, stay where you are, be there soon

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  (508): hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi (214): ok, stay where you are, be there soon http://tfl.nu/1y99
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies

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  (508): I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies http://tfl.nu/858n
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  I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.

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  (508): I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo. http://tfl.nu/92km
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  So how was he last night?

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Five-minute foot-long.

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  (508): So how was he last night? (617): Five-minute foot-long. http://tfl.nu/89p0
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  you're drinking in the law library????

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  ...not a bad idea....

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  probably not a good idea either.

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  (978): you're drinking in the law library???? (978): ...not a bad idea.... (508): probably not a good idea either. http://tfl.nu/gi3r
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  you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.

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  I guess I misjudged your gender.

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  (508): you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity. (978): I guess I misjudged your gender. http://tfl.nu/83hj
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  I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!

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  (508): I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON! http://tfl.nu/qryp
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  i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.

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  (508): i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker. http://tfl.nu/03y7
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college

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  (508): I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college http://tfl.nu/po1d
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  At least make sure they are 18

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Why

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  (508): At least make sure they are 18 (401): Why http://tfl.nu/mji4
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester

  (1-508): View more from Massachusetts

  Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B

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  (508): ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester (1-508): Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B http://tfl.nu/rngn
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.

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  (508): hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose. http://tfl.nu/ylto
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I dont have a dog?

  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  WTF

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  (774): im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it (508): I dont have a dog? (774): WTF http://tfl.nu/8rlm
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.

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  (774): He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came. http://tfl.nu/1m8k
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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  (774): i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"... http://tfl.nu/2wkl
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.

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  (774): I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me. http://tfl.nu/t4sa
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant

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  (774): if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant http://tfl.nu/blow
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.

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  (774): his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW. http://tfl.nu/joal
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow

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  (774): im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow http://tfl.nu/d8ac
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing

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  (774): i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing http://tfl.nu/cwrn
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling

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  (774): What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling http://tfl.nu/ijkr
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.

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  (774): i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD. http://tfl.nu/8lo9
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.

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  (774): I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you. http://tfl.nu/weck
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.

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  (774): So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish. http://tfl.nu/ywfu
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  ugh. my soul tastes like vodka

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  (774): ugh. my soul tastes like vodka http://tfl.nu/d0v0
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"

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  (774): I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile" http://tfl.nu/3hji
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it

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  (774): i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it http://tfl.nu/c3d8
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high

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  (774): dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high http://tfl.nu/yu6x
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  maybe i'll see you again later :)

  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  I'd rather shit a knife.

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  (612): maybe i'll see you again later :) (774): I'd rather shit a knife. http://tfl.nu/qge0
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.

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  (774): Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class. http://tfl.nu/k4fe
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.

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  (774): It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God. http://tfl.nu/c3gg
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"

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  (774): all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you" http://tfl.nu/p8m9
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji

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  (508): this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji http://tfl.nu/f9w1
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

  (1-508): View more from Massachusetts

  you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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  (508): awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation? (1-508): you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets. http://tfl.nu/hqfn
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg

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  (508): he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg http://tfl.nu/z4cs
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  so he'll probably take me somewhere nice

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  (508): well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth (508): so he'll probably take me somewhere nice http://tfl.nu/ldxj
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!

  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.

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  (508): god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?! (774): Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to. http://tfl.nu/gr6l
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks

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  (508): ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks http://tfl.nu/ycbx
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after

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  (508): Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after http://tfl.nu/akdp
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something

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  (508): help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something http://tfl.nu/479k
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken

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  (508): you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken http://tfl.nu/rlnm
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again

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  (508): Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again http://tfl.nu/g8s7
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Are you okay?

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.

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  (908): Are you okay? (508): Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry. http://tfl.nu/ztu1
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.

  (1-508): View more from Massachusetts

  Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome

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  (508): So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again. (1-508): Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years? (508): Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome http://tfl.nu/sfo6
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.

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  (508): So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs. http://tfl.nu/eq7w
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."

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  (508): She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth." http://tfl.nu/jx23
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized

  (914): View more from New York

  No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."

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  (508): Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized (914): No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes." http://tfl.nu/s64m
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair

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  (508): even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair http://tfl.nu/q2bb
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us

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  (508): well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us http://tfl.nu/w698
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.

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  (508): she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her. http://tfl.nu/2xab
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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  (617): i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend. (508): i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me. http://tfl.nu/ho6s
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.

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  (508): Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen. (781): I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night. (508): Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street. http://tfl.nu/mnwi
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song

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  (508): i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song http://tfl.nu/g4s1
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  So you're taking me there this weekend?

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.

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  (508): Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu (781): So you're taking me there this weekend? (508): oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food. http://tfl.nu/y6ju
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!

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  (508): i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah! http://tfl.nu/c18w
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.

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  (617): he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home. http://tfl.nu/gpi6
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  (512): View more from Texas

  watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos

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  (512): watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos http://tfl.nu/z3bc
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?

  (856): View more from New Jersey

  Right after we had the just friends talk..

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  (610): At what point last night did I start ordering doubles? (856): Right after we had the just friends talk.. http://tfl.nu/zby8
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  (985): View more from Louisiana

  He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"

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  (985): He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it" http://tfl.nu/q1ud
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."

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  (508): right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy." http://tfl.nu/262w
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"

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  (978): please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker" http://tfl.nu/kgaf
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?

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  (617): I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks? http://tfl.nu/26q7
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.

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  (781): I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed. http://tfl.nu/ju0g
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  You love me.

  (785): View more from Kansas

  That's because, tragically, I adore whores.

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  (316): You love me. (785): That's because, tragically, I adore whores. http://tfl.nu/7eph
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter

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  (918): The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter http://tfl.nu/j5l8
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?

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  (405): also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format? http://tfl.nu/009x
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee

  (1-440): View more from Ohio

  please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation

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  (440): I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee (1-440): please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation http://tfl.nu/gydk
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.

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  (630): the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever. http://tfl.nu/uuz9
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.

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  (781): I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece. http://tfl.nu/l6if
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  (585): View more from New York

  I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.

  (1-585): View more from New York

  You are so irish.

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  (585): I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better. (1-585): You are so irish. http://tfl.nu/pewr
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  (805): View more from California

  Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.

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  (805): Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy. http://tfl.nu/cdtm
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining

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  (541): You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining http://tfl.nu/2n0l
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.

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  (508): the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful. http://tfl.nu/u6l8
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  (801): View more from Utah

  don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.

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  (801): don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy. http://tfl.nu/h3zi
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it

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  (603): Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it http://tfl.nu/mjt1
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?

  (1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm so glad i pay social security

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  (610): Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year? (1-610): I'm so glad i pay social security http://tfl.nu/rnv1
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  "reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.

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  (515): "reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time. http://tfl.nu/in1x
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  (239): View more from Florida

  just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one

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  (239): just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one http://tfl.nu/sg9e
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.

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  (774): the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break. http://tfl.nu/7zwe
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.

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  (216): I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips. http://tfl.nu/1ir1
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup

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  (508): i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup http://tfl.nu/58kh
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night

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  (617): I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night http://tfl.nu/u1r5
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.

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  (201): I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot. http://tfl.nu/7j37
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.

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  (519): I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible. http://tfl.nu/zom5
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.

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  (401): You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you. http://tfl.nu/6q4j
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  (310): View more from California

  do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?

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  (310): do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking? http://tfl.nu/6m2c
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12

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  (513): you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12 http://tfl.nu/a1h6
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  (339): View more from Massachusetts

  i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet

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  (339): i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet http://tfl.nu/r3gc
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  (561): View more from Florida

  I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in

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  (561): I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in http://tfl.nu/qgu1
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.

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  (317): Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper. http://tfl.nu/3ucb
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.

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  (847): Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free. http://tfl.nu/2six
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  (207): View more from Maine

  i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea

  (1-207): View more from Maine

  probs a good idea

  (207): View more from Maine

  i like the whole idea of life and being alive

  (1-207): View more from Maine

  you sure you're not high?

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  (207): i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea (1-207): probs a good idea (207): i like the whole idea of life and being alive (1-207): you sure you're not high? http://tfl.nu/e7l1
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.

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  (413): The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again. http://tfl.nu/v6ko
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it

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  (508): Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it http://tfl.nu/y6rt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.

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  (303): Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done. http://tfl.nu/i81l
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  no, didnt close...

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...

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  (508): no, didnt close... (978): What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic... http://tfl.nu/lkpf
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick

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  (401): he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick http://tfl.nu/778x
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.

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  (508): currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit. http://tfl.nu/vzj2
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?

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  (617): how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night? http://tfl.nu/7t3i
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  (435): View more from Utah

  I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.

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  (435): I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated. http://tfl.nu/6ris
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave

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  (781): I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave http://tfl.nu/vjg2
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  (805): View more from California

  they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate

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  (805): they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate http://tfl.nu/r0av
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.

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  (978): They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people. http://tfl.nu/oty8
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.

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  (781): Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night. http://tfl.nu/89jq
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?

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  (203): he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat? http://tfl.nu/b9c7
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?

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  (781): I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I? http://tfl.nu/0o9s
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.

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  (609): So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife. http://tfl.nu/c5bq
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.

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  (267): He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever. http://tfl.nu/526w
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh

  (1-219): View more from Indiana

  wow.

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  (219): NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh (1-219): wow. http://tfl.nu/be02
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.

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  (860): The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up. http://tfl.nu/uswo
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.

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  (908): There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life. http://tfl.nu/ab1p
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  (858): View more from California

  I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.

  (619): View more from California

  you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS

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  (858): I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up. (619): you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS http://tfl.nu/a8ci
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.

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  (781): Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital. http://tfl.nu/82nh
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this

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  (781): walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this http://tfl.nu/8ri1
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me

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  (781): just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me http://tfl.nu/gh9y
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.

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  (617): i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night. http://tfl.nu/15vj
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST

  (602): View more from Arizona

  I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!

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  (480): YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST (602): I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise! http://tfl.nu/2ck7
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..

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  (703): bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status.. http://tfl.nu/z1m2
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  (310): View more from California

  it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined

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  (310): it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined http://tfl.nu/11oi
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile

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  (402): Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile http://tfl.nu/7vam
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.

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  (617): just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil. http://tfl.nu/drc4
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  (516): View more from New York

  and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants

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  (516): and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants http://tfl.nu/bet3
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.

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  (617): I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made. http://tfl.nu/enkt
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  (207): View more from Maine

  no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.

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  (207): no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod. http://tfl.nu/vf6z
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  (972): View more from Texas

  Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.

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  (972): Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself. http://tfl.nu/6w0d
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  (339): View more from Massachusetts

  i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall

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  (339): i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall http://tfl.nu/8iwm
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me

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  (978): literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me http://tfl.nu/9ayb
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  (650): View more from California

  some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!

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  (650): some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel! http://tfl.nu/ztnc
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..

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  (515): It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now.. http://tfl.nu/43y7
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them

  (718): View more from New York

  pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed

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  (203): there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them (718): pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed http://tfl.nu/7id4
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  (940): View more from Texas

  Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.

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  (940): Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever. http://tfl.nu/989r
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving

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  (678): So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving http://tfl.nu/h9li
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  (585): View more from New York

  Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history

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  (585): Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history http://tfl.nu/gm9f
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.

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  (508): Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well. http://tfl.nu/uja4
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate

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  (617): Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate http://tfl.nu/lx6z
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........

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  (781): the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away.......... http://tfl.nu/eso1
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.

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  (781): today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby. http://tfl.nu/f0c2
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.

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  (678): I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts. http://tfl.nu/4sqd
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  suggestion: become a stripper.

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  (774): just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed. (508): suggestion: become a stripper. http://tfl.nu/xaou
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.

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  (781): I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots. http://tfl.nu/2a1b
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Barney's a jerk

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  (781): I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments. (617): Barney's a jerk http://tfl.nu/dlz7
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.

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  (303): I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles. http://tfl.nu/osg1
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it

  (1-617): View more from Massachusetts

  only you. it could only happen to you.

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  (617): so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it (1-617): only you. it could only happen to you. http://tfl.nu/wr6i
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..

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  (617): Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people.. http://tfl.nu/f1rc
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night

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  (617): the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night http://tfl.nu/rgw3
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China

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  (617): Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China http://tfl.nu/t41x
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk

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  (256): Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk http://tfl.nu/ail4
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  (805): View more from California

  We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.

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  (805): We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened. http://tfl.nu/qapw
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.

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  (708): she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress. http://tfl.nu/x8tu
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?

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  (617): Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness? http://tfl.nu/575t
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  (818): View more from California

  I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras

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  (818): I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras http://tfl.nu/7rs3
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.

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  (508): Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend. http://tfl.nu/c0jn
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.

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  (508): We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while. http://tfl.nu/9c2t
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.

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  (508): Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it. http://tfl.nu/eqxg
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk

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  (508): Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk http://tfl.nu/jmus
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text

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  (508): I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text http://tfl.nu/al36
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here

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  (508): Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here http://tfl.nu/nzus
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?

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  (508): member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games? http://tfl.nu/dghf
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.

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  (508): Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life. http://tfl.nu/jn2c
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  those are such fre$h shoes

  (1-508): View more from Massachusetts

  going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign

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  (508): those are such fre$h shoes (1-508): going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign http://tfl.nu/bk8p
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes

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  (508): the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes http://tfl.nu/rtqh
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night

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  (508): I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night http://tfl.nu/lkz0
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off

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  (508): Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off http://tfl.nu/hh3c
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe

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  (508): I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe http://tfl.nu/0gxj
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.

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  (508): Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast. (508): PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail. http://tfl.nu/qbqn
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER

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  (508): WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER http://tfl.nu/4rej
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day

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  (508): I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day http://tfl.nu/qyf0
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet

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  (508): I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet http://tfl.nu/ryzv
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island

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  (508): Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island http://tfl.nu/2xq2
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.

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  (508): You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life. http://tfl.nu/6ito
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.

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  (508): just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life. http://tfl.nu/x7zq
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...

  (1-508): View more from Massachusetts

  He wasn't the only one with a full load.

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  (508): He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket... (1-508): He wasn't the only one with a full load. http://tfl.nu/y8kb
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  seriously i just wanna be friends

  (1-508): View more from Massachusetts

  pass

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  (508): seriously i just wanna be friends (1-508): pass http://tfl.nu/b8w4
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g

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  (508): There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g http://tfl.nu/5ffp
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower

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  (508): Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower http://tfl.nu/74dl
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better

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  (508): as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better http://tfl.nu/9gj2
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.

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  (508): i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip. http://tfl.nu/di6e
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I need new friends

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  (508): Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag (508): I need new friends http://tfl.nu/z8hc
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick

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  (508): I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick http://tfl.nu/wbrv
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar

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  (508): nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar http://tfl.nu/qitj
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.

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  (508): Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere. http://tfl.nu/v9sm
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.

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  (508): champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control. http://tfl.nu/zcsv
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice

  (1-508): View more from Massachusetts

  I respect that

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  (508): I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice (1-508): I respect that http://tfl.nu/enis
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.

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  (508): I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up. http://tfl.nu/8n4w
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over

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  (508): just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over http://tfl.nu/74b2
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook

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  (508): i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook http://tfl.nu/ft2u
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?

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  (508): she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution? http://tfl.nu/2bly
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.

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  (508): Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated. http://tfl.nu/vtpc
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.

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  (812): About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix. http://tfl.nu/c1od
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  please don't let me die tonight

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  what have you done for me lately?

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  (203): please don't let me die tonight (860): what have you done for me lately? http://tfl.nu/9vcn
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...

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  (617): Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh... http://tfl.nu/to9x
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm

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  (978): jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm http://tfl.nu/w84r
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.

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  (513): There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer. http://tfl.nu/7obs
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.

  (440): View more from Ohio

  ...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.

  (513): View more from Ohio

  That was a text you sent me last night.

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  (513): I think I'd do Clint Eastwood. (440): ...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now. (513): That was a text you sent me last night. http://tfl.nu/tvw9
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask

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  (610): you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask http://tfl.nu/pl36
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  (914): View more from New York

  Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong

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  (914): Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong http://tfl.nu/jy3c
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them

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  (609): there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them http://tfl.nu/lo0z
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.

  (320): View more from Minnesota

  Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.

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  (952): He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job. (320): Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud. http://tfl.nu/wke9
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.

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  (508): dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced. http://tfl.nu/9kh7
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.

  (815): View more from Illinois

  we live in such a classy society.

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  (630): just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead. (815): we live in such a classy society. http://tfl.nu/glf0
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.

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  (757): Just try to lay there and not be pregnant. http://tfl.nu/a665
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.

  (1405): View more from

  I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?

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  (405): If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie. (1405): I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes? http://tfl.nu/u9sc
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  did you fuck him yet?

  (1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?

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  (902): did you fuck him yet? (1-902): hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun? http://tfl.nu/r4bc
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.

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  (214): Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love. http://tfl.nu/wggk
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?

  (1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit

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  (412): How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body? (1-412): Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit http://tfl.nu/2oue
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.

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  (401): i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop. http://tfl.nu/anbh
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened

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  (617): there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened http://tfl.nu/7n12
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night

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  (508): That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night http://tfl.nu/uf42
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  (914): View more from New York

  getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.

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  (914): getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight. http://tfl.nu/b9qd
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Well how do you think I feel

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  fair enough

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  (860): Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate (401): Well how do you think I feel (860): fair enough http://tfl.nu/zhgr
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does

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  (617): I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does http://tfl.nu/o8tg
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.

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  (781): tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner. http://tfl.nu/1bdt
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.

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  (715): I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one. http://tfl.nu/ogtf
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  (857): View more from Massachusetts

  he had to chose between the booze and condoms

  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  what did he choose?

  (857): View more from Massachusetts

  the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?

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  (857): he had to chose between the booze and condoms (774): what did he choose? (857): the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right? http://tfl.nu/iz27
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  (516): View more from New York

  watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...

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  (516): watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball... http://tfl.nu/7xuo
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head

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  (630): Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head http://tfl.nu/4494
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..

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  (816): just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist.. http://tfl.nu/9c4j
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.

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  (484): I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition. http://tfl.nu/zjox
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  ...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...

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  (410): ...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear... http://tfl.nu/jb6u
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick

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  (617): shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick http://tfl.nu/i68n
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  (661): View more from California

  No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.

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  (661): No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer. http://tfl.nu/5zs6
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.

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  (203): I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under. http://tfl.nu/oj4t
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  i just stepped in cum. i hate you.

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Thats what happens when you don't swallow.

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  (203): i just stepped in cum. i hate you. (603): Thats what happens when you don't swallow. http://tfl.nu/7phl
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right

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  (540): Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right http://tfl.nu/yhhf
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  (339): View more from Massachusetts

  today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.

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  (339): today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day. http://tfl.nu/37h9
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  (339): View more from Massachusetts

  That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore

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  (339): That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore http://tfl.nu/dkgm
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  (339): View more from Massachusetts

  I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.

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  (339): I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion. http://tfl.nu/m237
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.

  (339): View more from Massachusetts

  No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.

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  (508): Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor. (339): No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though. http://tfl.nu/0uyr
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."

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  (508): They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever." http://tfl.nu/4fcm
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back

  (914): View more from New York

  that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart

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  (908): i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back (914): that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart http://tfl.nu/d09e
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.

  (208): View more from Idaho

  ha well at least you have goals.

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  (208): Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong. (208): ha well at least you have goals. http://tfl.nu/c71p
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.

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  (978): i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite. http://tfl.nu/yk7i
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS

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  (617): theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS http://tfl.nu/np1i
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?

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  (815): He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing? http://tfl.nu/c8yk
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.

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  (815): It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve. http://tfl.nu/el01
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  did u really fuck my little sister???

  (706): View more from Georgia

  im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"

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  (678): did u really fuck my little sister??? (706): im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess" http://tfl.nu/dz4c
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.

  (517): View more from Michigan

  Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.

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  (231): bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this. (517): Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one. http://tfl.nu/v0gx
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.

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  (859): Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right. http://tfl.nu/hrwa
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.

  (317): View more from Indiana

  Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.

  (812): View more from Indiana

  Ah, my reputation precedes me.

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  (812): The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me. (317): Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around. (812): Ah, my reputation precedes me. http://tfl.nu/vl1p
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..

  (1-647): View more from Ontario

  who won?

  (647): View more from Ontario

  THAT is your concern right now?

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  (647): on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest.. (1-647): who won? (647): THAT is your concern right now? http://tfl.nu/f9cv
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.

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  (617): So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys. http://tfl.nu/6qzw
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.

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  (617): road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school. http://tfl.nu/xo9e
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  (713): View more from Texas

  I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.

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  (713): I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source. http://tfl.nu/tbks
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose

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  (717): she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose http://tfl.nu/p9h0
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  (925): View more from California

  we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself

  (707): View more from California

  dude you teach first grade wtf

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  (925): we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself (707): dude you teach first grade wtf http://tfl.nu/gqyp
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  (916): View more from California

  We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.

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  (916): We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame. http://tfl.nu/u712
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.

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  (508): He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think. http://tfl.nu/5bqt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Haha, bad night?

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  (617): guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS. (508): Haha, bad night? http://tfl.nu/huzs
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK

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  (508): he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK http://tfl.nu/no23
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.

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  (508): billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down. http://tfl.nu/h3l0
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.

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  (508): i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet. http://tfl.nu/0i59
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in

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  (508): Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in http://tfl.nu/cfq6
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  (760): View more from California

  I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work

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  (760): I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart (508): These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work http://tfl.nu/sac2
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  how many servings is brandon's dick?

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  (203): nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body (508): how many servings is brandon's dick? http://tfl.nu/n1yr
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds

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  (508): your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds http://tfl.nu/5eyd
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water

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  (508): you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water http://tfl.nu/opqy
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?

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  (508): i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever? http://tfl.nu/6llk
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me

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  (508): the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me http://tfl.nu/ptyo
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.

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  (508): I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you. http://tfl.nu/x02i
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Since when do you wear a bracelet?

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs

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  (508): Since when do you wear a bracelet? (603): Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs http://tfl.nu/cgne
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?

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  (508): There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun? http://tfl.nu/av48
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.

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  (508): VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING. http://tfl.nu/vx02
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  (407): View more from Florida

  sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.

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  (407): sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch. http://tfl.nu/v1iz
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life

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  (617): Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life http://tfl.nu/020c
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads

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  (617): Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads http://tfl.nu/gove
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."

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  (617): i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex." http://tfl.nu/vl6s
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store

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  (617): there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store http://tfl.nu/cjt7
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.

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  (617): after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case. http://tfl.nu/63mj
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  sounds like you fell off the wagon.

  (1-617): View more from Massachusetts

  fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.

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  (617): sounds like you fell off the wagon. (1-617): fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon. http://tfl.nu/7sjj
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up

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  (617): you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up http://tfl.nu/71wz
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.

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  (617): we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life. http://tfl.nu/dy8h
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  dont be selfish, show some boob

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  (617): i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me (781): dont be selfish, show some boob http://tfl.nu/w4jv
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  (207): View more from Maine

  Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11

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  (207): Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night..... (617): I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11 http://tfl.nu/wa6u
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?

  (1-617): View more from Massachusetts

  Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend

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  (617): Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents? (1-617): Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend http://tfl.nu/hheb
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"

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  (617): college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place" http://tfl.nu/mdbw
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  (281): View more from Texas

  I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!

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  (281): I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy! http://tfl.nu/gg3p
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'd give my left nut to see you

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  don't do that. I like the set

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  (724): I'd give my left nut to see you (609): don't do that. I like the set http://tfl.nu/41nb
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.

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  (443): Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one. http://tfl.nu/dq1o
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Why don't you ever send me any naked pics

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  (617): Why don't you ever send me any naked pics http://tfl.nu/oqg1
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  (207): View more from Maine

  there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets

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  (207): there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets http://tfl.nu/n8se
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.

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  (781): she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser. http://tfl.nu/fqkl
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.

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  (781): I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. http://tfl.nu/mkrc
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.

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  (615): I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know. http://tfl.nu/z1c6
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  (818): View more from California

  Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.

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  (818): Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical. http://tfl.nu/onyl
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.

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  (908): So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning. http://tfl.nu/ff78
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  (716): View more from New York

  you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority

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  (716): you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority http://tfl.nu/980f
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  garbage

  (248): View more from Michigan

  garbage dick

  (847): View more from Illinois

  rubbish cock

  (248): View more from Michigan

  you win

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  (847) garbage (248) garbage dick (847) rubbish cock (248) you win http://tfl.nu/0jjx
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I would be honored to be that friend.

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  (978): I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people (617): I would be honored to be that friend. http://tfl.nu/ohrl
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  (518): View more from New York

  im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.

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  (518): im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there. http://tfl.nu/bvrv
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  (518): View more from New York

  Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'

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  (518): Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine' http://tfl.nu/z72n
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?

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  (617): Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money? http://tfl.nu/6pei
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio

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  (617): I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio http://tfl.nu/knlp
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".

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  (636): Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional". http://tfl.nu/cis7
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.

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  (952): he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting. http://tfl.nu/x0uv
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.

  (1-434): View more from Virginia

  Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.

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  (434): I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes. (1-434): Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend. http://tfl.nu/t985
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.

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  (703): Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid. http://tfl.nu/xyt3
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.

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  (503): The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe. http://tfl.nu/ylh3
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.

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  (586): I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault. http://tfl.nu/nhl8
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  (212): View more from New York

  Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.

  (248): View more from Michigan

  hah, sarcasm, classic

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  (212): Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning. (248): hah, sarcasm, classic http://tfl.nu/x41v
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?

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  (856): He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs? http://tfl.nu/ic15
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  birth control should be required to get into college

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  (413): birth control should be required to get into college http://tfl.nu/91c5
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?

  (720): View more from Colorado

  This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?

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  (605): So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win? (720): This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok? http://tfl.nu/drjm
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  (850): View more from Florida

  From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.

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  (850): From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you. http://tfl.nu/tn1i
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag

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  (970): He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag http://tfl.nu/538a
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!

  (602): View more from Arizona

  so its atleast an 8 for creativity.

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  (480): he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?! (602): so its atleast an 8 for creativity. http://tfl.nu/ungw
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  (206): View more from Washington

  i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.

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  (206): i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate. http://tfl.nu/mwsu
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  (360): View more from Washington

  my secret santa just gave me a pregency test

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  (360): my secret santa just gave me a pregency test http://tfl.nu/rgpa
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore

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  (617): i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore http://tfl.nu/4xlx
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  (518): View more from New York

  I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.

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  (518): I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw. http://tfl.nu/ptpv
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  to do: lose virginity to hamster dance

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  (617): to do: lose virginity to hamster dance http://tfl.nu/0r0s
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  (210): View more from Texas

  i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it

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  (210): i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it http://tfl.nu/c88z
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall

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  (303): that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall http://tfl.nu/ckaq
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy

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  (720): When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy http://tfl.nu/04on
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..

  (1-540): View more from Virginia

  What did u do?

  (540): View more from Virginia

  turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..

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  (540): so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn.. (1-540): What did u do? (540): turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him.. http://tfl.nu/pi8a
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?

  (1-260): View more from Indiana

  what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing

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  (260): dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian? (1-260): what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing http://tfl.nu/axih
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"

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  (970): Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker" http://tfl.nu/30jj
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