She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Smaller, yet meaner.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
You're like the curious george of whores
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Dignity is for republicans.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
bring money and cleavage
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Operation Purity has been aborted
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I'm jealous of your bromance
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.