Texts From Last Night

jenuine2you's Favorites Texts:

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  (775): View more from Nevada

  She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore

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  (775): She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore http://tfl.nu/r45j
  Replies (14) Good night (2387) Bad night (634)
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.

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  (416): Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse. http://tfl.nu/9wwo
  Replies (10) Good night (2984) Bad night (357) Order T-Shirt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.

  (1-617): View more from Massachusetts

  I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?

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  (617): The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow. (1-617): I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right? http://tfl.nu/ithm
  Replies (4) Good night (2676) Bad night (378)
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.

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  (828): I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders. http://tfl.nu/hyyp
  Replies (8) Good night (1555) Bad night (411) Order T-Shirt
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I love you more than champagne and correct grammar

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  (304): I love you more than champagne and correct grammar http://tfl.nu/3165
  Replies (18) Good night (3412) Bad night (423) Order T-Shirt
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?

  (410): View more from Maryland

  you are way too vulgar to be a girl

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  (717): Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION? (410): you are way too vulgar to be a girl http://tfl.nu/3shx
  Replies (20) Good night (7394) Bad night (511)
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  (310): View more from California

  Can we just ponder our lives for a second.

  (818): View more from California

  No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.

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  (310): Can we just ponder our lives for a second. (818): No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles. http://tfl.nu/vtnc
  Replies (7) Good night (1779) Bad night (511)
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.

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  (703): When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond. http://tfl.nu/i1tf
  Replies (12) Good night (2248) Bad night (532) Order T-Shirt
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  (206): View more from Washington

  a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside

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  (206): a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside http://tfl.nu/s7y4
  Replies (12) Good night (2380) Bad night (763) Order T-Shirt
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  (682): View more from Texas

  I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face

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  (682): I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face http://tfl.nu/zwwu
  Replies (16) Good night (4843) Bad night (600) Order T-Shirt
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  (562): View more from California

  guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".

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  (562): guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing". http://tfl.nu/0ckl
  Replies (17) Good night (5977) Bad night (931)
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.

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  (403): Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over. http://tfl.nu/puou
  Replies (8) Good night (2014) Bad night (375) Order T-Shirt
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"

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  (832): You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you" http://tfl.nu/nnn7
  Replies (1) Good night (2073) Bad night (375) Order T-Shirt
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  (972): View more from Texas

  Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.

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  (972): Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate. http://tfl.nu/fawd
  Replies (5) Good night (1298) Bad night (419)
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.

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  (540): my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened. http://tfl.nu/bhgb
  Replies (47) Good night (1752) Bad night (380) Order T-Shirt
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  (914): View more from New York

  You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.

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  (914): You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street. http://tfl.nu/q2es
  Replies (3) Good night (2535) Bad night (280) Order T-Shirt
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.

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  (248): What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy. http://tfl.nu/0mlh
  Replies (13) Good night (2010) Bad night (696) Order T-Shirt
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.

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  (206): Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun. http://tfl.nu/5ck8
  Replies (18) Good night (1507) Bad night (452) Order T-Shirt
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list

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  (217): I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list http://tfl.nu/djej
  Replies (5) Good night (1341) Bad night (343) Order T-Shirt
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  (646): View more from New York

  Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B

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  (646): Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B http://tfl.nu/w0hg
  Replies (12) Good night (2676) Bad night (610) Order T-Shirt
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  (214): View more from Texas

  My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.

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  (214): My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous. http://tfl.nu/7yfd
  Replies (4) Good night (1558) Bad night (341) Order T-Shirt
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  $100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.

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  (508): $100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me. http://tfl.nu/si9y
  Replies (16) Good night (2139) Bad night (278) Order T-Shirt
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone

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  (804): I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone http://tfl.nu/9ph0
  Replies (11) Good night (2529) Bad night (309) Order T-Shirt
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.

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  (519): It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina. http://tfl.nu/mbje
  Replies (7) Good night (2220) Bad night (381) Order T-Shirt
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.

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  (715): During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me. http://tfl.nu/euwh
  Replies (30) Good night (4309) Bad night (600)
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  (813): View more from Florida

  Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina

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  (813): Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina http://tfl.nu/thir
  Replies (9) Good night (2280) Bad night (452)
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.

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  (701): He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success. http://tfl.nu/xbmk
  Replies (12) Good night (4123) Bad night (336)
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  (606): View more from Kentucky

  Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.

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  (606): Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick. http://tfl.nu/0x12
  Replies (8) Good night (370) Bad night (1847) Order T-Shirt
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  (518): View more from New York

  They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.

  (1-518): View more from New York

  Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.

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  (518): They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me. (1-518): Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props. http://tfl.nu/pv50
  Replies (5) Good night (2050) Bad night (505)
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems

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  (519): she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems http://tfl.nu/ja9t
  Replies (12) Good night (3135) Bad night (545) Order T-Shirt
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  (801): View more from Utah

  Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.

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  (801): Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard. http://tfl.nu/rl99
  Replies (9) Good night (2088) Bad night (489) Order T-Shirt
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.

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  (937): You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already. http://tfl.nu/06li
  Replies (9) Good night (2100) Bad night (508)
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  well in DOG beers, i've only had one

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  (717): well in DOG beers, i've only had one http://tfl.nu/2mnf
  Replies (20) Good night (5004) Bad night (462) Order T-Shirt
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  (941): View more from Florida

  Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains

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  (941): Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains http://tfl.nu/tyep
  Replies (11) Good night (2191) Bad night (761) Order T-Shirt
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  (254): View more from Texas

  I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls

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  (254): I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls http://tfl.nu/dudn
  Replies (14) Good night (2017) Bad night (347) Order T-Shirt
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  (707): View more from California

  Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god

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  (707): Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god http://tfl.nu/bbiq
  Replies (9) Good night (1315) Bad night (1208) Order T-Shirt
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  (714): View more from California

  I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?

  (949): View more from California

  Midgetier?

  (714): View more from California

  Smaller, yet meaner.

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  (714): I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic? (949): Midgetier? (714): Smaller, yet meaner. http://tfl.nu/nr7w
  Replies (11) Good night (3489) Bad night (402)
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.

  (804): View more from Virginia

  It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.

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  (773): That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin. (804): It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals. http://tfl.nu/mo3g
  Replies (8) Good night (1906) Bad night (367)
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.

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  (519): Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed. http://tfl.nu/q7k6
  Replies (9) Good night (1150) Bad night (1469) Order T-Shirt
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.

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  (416): He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut. http://tfl.nu/vwy6
  Replies (8) Good night (4603) Bad night (447) Order T-Shirt
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.

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  (910): I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers. http://tfl.nu/lhcq
  Replies (7) Good night (1114) Bad night (1185) Order T-Shirt
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  (315): View more from New York

  I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun

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  (315): I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun http://tfl.nu/s1lu
  Replies (3) Good night (1382) Bad night (310) Order T-Shirt
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure

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  (267): dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure http://tfl.nu/1m9t
  Replies (23) Good night (3367) Bad night (375) Order T-Shirt
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  (631): View more from New York

  We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts

  (1-631): View more from New York

  Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?

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  (631): We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts (1-631): Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships? http://tfl.nu/5hoq
  Replies (19) Good night (1830) Bad night (1119)
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.

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  (774): I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit. http://tfl.nu/t89l
  Replies (9) Good night (3596) Bad night (444) Order T-Shirt
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  (512): View more from Texas

  That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.

  (210): View more from Texas

  It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?

  (512): View more from Texas

  Is your card paying for my plan b?

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  (512): That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender. (210): It was my card, so what do you care that you lost? (512): Is your card paying for my plan b? http://tfl.nu/703j
  Replies (12) Good night (1041) Bad night (2470)
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  (903): View more from Texas

  Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.

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  (903): Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere. http://tfl.nu/srvw
  Replies (9) Good night (3176) Bad night (503) Order T-Shirt
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.

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  (214): Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more. http://tfl.nu/1w8z
  Replies (18) Good night (4930) Bad night (591) Order T-Shirt
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  (308): View more from Nebraska

  He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.

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  (308): He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along. http://tfl.nu/kb7d
  Replies (13) Good night (2777) Bad night (866) Order T-Shirt
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.

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  (508): He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn. http://tfl.nu/4ftp
  Replies (14) Good night (1499) Bad night (1134) Order T-Shirt
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?

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  (623): Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck? http://tfl.nu/k3jz
  Replies (6) Good night (2134) Bad night (443) Order T-Shirt
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.

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  (201): He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn. http://tfl.nu/ws8z
  Replies (8) Good night (2371) Bad night (690) Order T-Shirt
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%

  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.

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  (405): Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10% (405): And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar. http://tfl.nu/4y72
  Replies (10) Good night (1981) Bad night (417)
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.

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  (610): It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes. http://tfl.nu/cpyt
  Replies (8) Good night (2000) Bad night (403) Order T-Shirt
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."

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  (330): Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control." http://tfl.nu/dz9s
  Replies (12) Good night (1412) Bad night (368) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?

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  (303): How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head? http://tfl.nu/wek5
  Replies (5) Good night (1659) Bad night (457) Order T-Shirt
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  (916): View more from California

  God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.

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  (916): God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines. http://tfl.nu/isnh
  Replies (12) Good night (1951) Bad night (485) Order T-Shirt
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  (310): View more from California

  When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.

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  (310): When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing. http://tfl.nu/i23j
  Replies (16) Good night (2688) Bad night (698) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.

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  (847): The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling. http://tfl.nu/bvbt
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.

  (517): View more from Michigan

  We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by

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  (517): Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity. (517): We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by http://tfl.nu/0fvy
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.

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  (757): We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather. http://tfl.nu/kdej
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!

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  (708): Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player! http://tfl.nu/3jxt
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  (619): View more from California

  Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.

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  (619): Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't. http://tfl.nu/8mv6
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  (207): View more from Maine

  traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK

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  (207): traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK http://tfl.nu/1e7j
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas

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  (757): shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas http://tfl.nu/w87e
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.

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  (405): I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering. http://tfl.nu/13ve
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.

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  (630): Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren. http://tfl.nu/fimu
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.

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  (541): Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached. http://tfl.nu/gtou
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  She's got a legit dose of dude going on

  (240): View more from Maryland

  No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.

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  (240): Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden (202): She's got a legit dose of dude going on (240): No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne. http://tfl.nu/qro2
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"

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  (312): I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day" http://tfl.nu/qds9
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  (972): View more from Texas

  I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.

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  (972): I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper. http://tfl.nu/qsqq
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.

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  (615): Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight. http://tfl.nu/ami0
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches

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  (828): i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches http://tfl.nu/n6i5
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.

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  (404): I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth. http://tfl.nu/16j0
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  (207): View more from Maine

  Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.

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  (207): Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them. http://tfl.nu/x39b
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.

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  (717): Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene. http://tfl.nu/3l38
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.

  (309): View more from Illinois

  Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?

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  (618): Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off. (309): Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay? http://tfl.nu/53dx
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"

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  (908): and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now" http://tfl.nu/8bck
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.

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  (203): She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to. http://tfl.nu/ivcq
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.

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  (615): Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls. http://tfl.nu/rbr1
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.

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  (770): Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob. http://tfl.nu/4q4p
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.

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  (701): Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle. http://tfl.nu/xafh
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.

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  (412): He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car. http://tfl.nu/qdlm
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  (315): View more from New York

  as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training

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  (315): as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training http://tfl.nu/gwbi
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".

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  (647): A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe". http://tfl.nu/rgh4
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.

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  (860): This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night. http://tfl.nu/namk
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.

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  (440): Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies. http://tfl.nu/iuff
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.

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  (417): I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday. http://tfl.nu/aq1n
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.

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  (678): ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend. http://tfl.nu/yswq
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.

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  (434): It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me. http://tfl.nu/2yad
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  (626): View more from California

  I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner

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  (626): I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner http://tfl.nu/0q4j
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.

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  (734): you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you. http://tfl.nu/57kx
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job

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  (615): What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job http://tfl.nu/r059
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at

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  (203): You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at http://tfl.nu/66cb
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  (530): View more from California

  I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"

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  (530): I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting" http://tfl.nu/k1xw
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  ...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.

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  (815): ...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates. http://tfl.nu/314n
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  (925): View more from California

  370HSSV 0773H read that upside down

  (1-925): View more from California

  what are you doing with your life

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  (925): 370HSSV 0773H read that upside down (1-925): what are you doing with your life http://tfl.nu/25tc
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.

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  (402): Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week. http://tfl.nu/y6xg
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage

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  (910): ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage http://tfl.nu/b9m2
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life

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  (412): Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life http://tfl.nu/5boh
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.

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  (+44): Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people. http://tfl.nu/uumz
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.

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  (414): Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things. http://tfl.nu/uvud
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  (660): View more from Missouri

  what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?

  (816): View more from Missouri

  um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan

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  (660): what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate? (816): um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan http://tfl.nu/0tla
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".

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  (404): Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant". http://tfl.nu/1jgx
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.

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  (732): Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know. http://tfl.nu/fesa
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  (714): View more from California

  Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.

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  (714): Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner. http://tfl.nu/auiz
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.

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  (612): I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover. http://tfl.nu/pxbl
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog

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  (918): I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog http://tfl.nu/wm03
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  (619): View more from California

  His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.

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  (619): His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar. http://tfl.nu/lyc1
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride

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  (973): Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride http://tfl.nu/vufa
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"

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  (740): He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work" http://tfl.nu/lj9u
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.

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  (732): I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds. http://tfl.nu/t1fp
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.

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  (810): I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure. http://tfl.nu/tlfm
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  (315): View more from New York

  Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here

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  (315): Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here http://tfl.nu/edol
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace

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  (803): and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace http://tfl.nu/njta
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  (207): View more from Maine

  DRUNK CANOEING

  (804): View more from Virginia

  Please text me if you survive.

  (207): View more from Maine

  LAND HO BITCH

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  (207): DRUNK CANOEING (804): Please text me if you survive. (207): LAND HO BITCH http://tfl.nu/6y3l
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  (210): View more from Texas

  Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute

  (1-210): View more from Texas

  Hello cirrhosis

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  (210): Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute (1-210): Hello cirrhosis http://tfl.nu/bpcm
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  (714): View more from California

  I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.

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  (714): I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash. http://tfl.nu/gnlc
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.

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  (603): A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you. http://tfl.nu/2hjp
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub

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  (616): someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub http://tfl.nu/yova
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag

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  (781): Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag http://tfl.nu/xidr
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  (435): View more from Utah

  When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics

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  (435): When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics http://tfl.nu/17q6
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.

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  (978): He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment. http://tfl.nu/fwul
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.

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  (773): I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming. http://tfl.nu/u6dn
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.

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  (908): i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend. http://tfl.nu/myz5
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  (352): View more from Florida

  I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.

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  (352): I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern. http://tfl.nu/54kf
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.

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  (225): You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night. http://tfl.nu/uygn
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  (469): View more from Texas

  on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.

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  (469): on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers. http://tfl.nu/kub0
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you

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  (615): Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you http://tfl.nu/wyc5
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....

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  (613): I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there.... http://tfl.nu/g27d
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.

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  (706): In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure. http://tfl.nu/bjg9
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap

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  (513): With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap http://tfl.nu/39t2
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  (360): View more from Washington

  You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.

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  (360): You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part. http://tfl.nu/6s9f
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  (619): View more from California

  Be still, my beating vagina.

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  (619): Be still, my beating vagina. http://tfl.nu/qyal
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.

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  (504): Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit. http://tfl.nu/1p19
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"

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  (480): My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap" http://tfl.nu/nk79
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport

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  (505): Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport http://tfl.nu/iu8r
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  (214): View more from Texas

  It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.

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  (214): It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils. http://tfl.nu/mamt
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  (518): View more from New York

  They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower

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  (518): They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower http://tfl.nu/ye9z
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck

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  (217): I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck http://tfl.nu/cg9j
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.

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  (810): It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team. http://tfl.nu/1zge
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.

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  (734): I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady. http://tfl.nu/nlis
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  (+31): View more from The Netherlands

  The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'

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  (+31): The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?' http://tfl.nu/vspz
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.

  (1-919): View more from North Carolina

  and you succeeded.

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  (919): The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk. (1-919): and you succeeded. http://tfl.nu/9cm4
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  (863): View more from Florida

  There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.

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  (863): There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent. http://tfl.nu/g0ez
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"

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  (623): You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!" http://tfl.nu/z3ws
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn

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  (303): its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn http://tfl.nu/fhqp
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.

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  (+44): I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you. http://tfl.nu/998a
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment

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  (256): Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment http://tfl.nu/eim1
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  (575): View more from New Mexico

  you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.

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  (575): you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat. http://tfl.nu/lmrm
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  (661): View more from California

  1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.

  (1-661): View more from California

  1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up

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  (661): 1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place. (1-661): 1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up http://tfl.nu/wu9m
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener

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  (570): My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener http://tfl.nu/73wy
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.

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  (610): Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card. http://tfl.nu/uepf
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  (850): View more from Florida

  He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"

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  (850): He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day" http://tfl.nu/t1df
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day

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  (414): Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day http://tfl.nu/nn34
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  (352): View more from Florida

  She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.

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  (352): She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject. http://tfl.nu/69m3
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"

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  (412): there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty" http://tfl.nu/qrhn
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.

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  (717): DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!! (717): Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly. http://tfl.nu/0dyl
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.

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  (440): My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made. http://tfl.nu/g5vb
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.

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  (919): All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on. http://tfl.nu/8snd
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere

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  (434): She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere http://tfl.nu/6t7j
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone

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  (216): he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone http://tfl.nu/anp6
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."

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  (248): Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting." http://tfl.nu/6v74
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife

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  (802): he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife http://tfl.nu/h9mg
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  Now have a vodka water and get your shit together

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  (612): Now have a vodka water and get your shit together http://tfl.nu/ex6u
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend

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  (403): Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend http://tfl.nu/6ul7
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.

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  (505): Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking. http://tfl.nu/b01w
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level

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  (434): i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level http://tfl.nu/1fd3
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?

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  (248): guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop? http://tfl.nu/8g34
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.

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  (270): I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles. http://tfl.nu/5ga0
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  (406): View more from Montana

  apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...

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  (406): apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone... http://tfl.nu/2d2g
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.

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  (540): She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic. http://tfl.nu/cwdw
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.

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  (920): just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch. http://tfl.nu/t841
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.

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  (917): I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus. http://tfl.nu/e2af
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged

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  (814): when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged http://tfl.nu/78pb
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.

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  (423): I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats. http://tfl.nu/9par
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height

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  (780): The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height http://tfl.nu/mxot
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.

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  (402): There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win. http://tfl.nu/2dfk
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..

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  (630): There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow.. http://tfl.nu/vffr
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"

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  (778): we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go" http://tfl.nu/uvr2
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  (772): View more from Florida

  it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night

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  (772): it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night http://tfl.nu/3jc9
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.

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  (304): Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me. http://tfl.nu/4mjy
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  (530): View more from California

  I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.

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  (530): I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me. http://tfl.nu/jc9x
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.

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  (785): I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers. http://tfl.nu/hlo3
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button

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  (870): So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button http://tfl.nu/tmep
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line

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  (401): Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line http://tfl.nu/kpx6
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.

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  (248): i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina. http://tfl.nu/jhba
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  (281): View more from Texas

  We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.

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  (281): We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex. http://tfl.nu/sntw
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.

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  (913): You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals. http://tfl.nu/ise6
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup

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  (203): You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup http://tfl.nu/qk1q
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?

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  (678): Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be? http://tfl.nu/hgpj
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'

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  (902): Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp' http://tfl.nu/0a7v
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him

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  (803): Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him http://tfl.nu/31nh
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look

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  (717): tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look http://tfl.nu/7aaf
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.

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  (508): I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos. http://tfl.nu/pe3o
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  (845): View more from New York

  she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave

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  (845): she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave http://tfl.nu/ylty
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'

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  (306): I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes' http://tfl.nu/oxkp
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...

  (1-317): View more from Indiana

  He's the fucking cop whisperer.

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  (317): He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him... (1-317): He's the fucking cop whisperer. http://tfl.nu/3vvt
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed

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  (610): So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed http://tfl.nu/2fhq
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."

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  (573): I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use." http://tfl.nu/1qa0
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."

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  (404): You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet." http://tfl.nu/ru2n
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis

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  (608): It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis http://tfl.nu/80nu
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.

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  (203): I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis. http://tfl.nu/m2ek
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them

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  (630): But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them http://tfl.nu/vxlz
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  (512): View more from Texas

  You're like the curious george of whores

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  (512): You're like the curious george of whores http://tfl.nu/l01l
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  (406): View more from Montana

  he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten

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  (406): he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten http://tfl.nu/sl88
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!

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  (757): then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?! http://tfl.nu/zl1v
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me

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  (815): I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me http://tfl.nu/9tpu
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."

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  (412): I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this." http://tfl.nu/x2qj
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.

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  (404): Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800. http://tfl.nu/a5yx
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  (850): View more from Florida

  she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."

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  (850): she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.." http://tfl.nu/uij4
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  (917): View more from New York City

  we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability

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  (917): we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability http://tfl.nu/xeg6
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  (432): View more from Texas

  Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.

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  (432): Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know. http://tfl.nu/dusl
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"

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  (401): Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life" http://tfl.nu/0dy4
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.

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  (704): It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie. http://tfl.nu/rp9b
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.

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  (304): You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib. http://tfl.nu/xjlf
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.

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  (902): I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence. http://tfl.nu/pvbz
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"

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  (423): She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride" http://tfl.nu/esrx
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.

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  (479): When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls. http://tfl.nu/83jv
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  (315): View more from New York

  Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun

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  (315): Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun http://tfl.nu/t9ze
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.

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  (407): I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor. http://tfl.nu/1ho2
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up

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  (304): You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up http://tfl.nu/adeo
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"

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  (317): Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call" http://tfl.nu/v8oa
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  (845): View more from New York

  you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage

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  (845): you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage http://tfl.nu/ot1n
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  (339): View more from Massachusetts

  My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.

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  (339): My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool. http://tfl.nu/q5rs
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis

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  (720): the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis http://tfl.nu/41ot
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  (308): View more from Nebraska

  Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.

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  (308): Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning. http://tfl.nu/konb
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.

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  (512): Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor. http://tfl.nu/9a3p
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.

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  (316): The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts. http://tfl.nu/ngvo
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.

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  (337): I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven. http://tfl.nu/stao
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve

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  (732): Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve http://tfl.nu/de13
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.

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  (614): I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out. http://tfl.nu/60nc
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!

  (678): View more from Georgia

  correction: escorted out

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  (404): YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?! (678): correction: escorted out http://tfl.nu/gkul
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.

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  (802): I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes. http://tfl.nu/xpl7
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.

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  (816): Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster. http://tfl.nu/ox02
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".

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  (847): just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain". http://tfl.nu/ukpa
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb

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  (503): gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb http://tfl.nu/zgfq
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  (830): View more from Texas

  What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple

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  (830): What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple http://tfl.nu/5qs4
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.

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  (336): Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things. http://tfl.nu/s0f9
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  i would one night stand the shit outta him

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  (443): i would one night stand the shit outta him http://tfl.nu/aljg
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.

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  (269): I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE. http://tfl.nu/167y
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters

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  (937): you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters http://tfl.nu/ru5h
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  (954): View more from Florida

  it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.

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  (954): it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic. http://tfl.nu/y5mn
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.

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  (401): You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas. http://tfl.nu/h7nj
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.

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  (859): I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you. http://tfl.nu/a48g
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time

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  (401): Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time http://tfl.nu/icsx
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  (917): View more from New York City

  He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.

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  (917): He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing. http://tfl.nu/j7tr
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...

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  (419): Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl... http://tfl.nu/mv65
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  Come find me please? Im in a ditch.

  (1-604): View more from British Columbia

  That doesn't help me much...

  (604): View more from British Columbia

  I'm right under the moon!

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  (604): Come find me please? Im in a ditch. (1-604): That doesn't help me much... (604): I'm right under the moon! http://tfl.nu/u7hc
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob

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  (978): nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob http://tfl.nu/cycw
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.

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  (937): so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had. http://tfl.nu/vdqf
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street

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  (724): the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street http://tfl.nu/sbee
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  (954): View more from Florida

  Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.

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  (954): Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka. http://tfl.nu/l16y
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Mattress luging...It's a long story.

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  (503): Mattress luging...It's a long story. http://tfl.nu/0tlk
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving

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  (262): just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving http://tfl.nu/vnp1
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  (518): View more from New York

  Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis

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  (518): Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis http://tfl.nu/kplw
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?

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  (817): Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for? http://tfl.nu/2cqu
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.

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  (608): He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake. http://tfl.nu/cs4d
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.

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  (608): May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in. http://tfl.nu/2att
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma

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  (402): Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma http://tfl.nu/lc92
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  (917): View more from New York City

  He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.

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  (917): He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm. http://tfl.nu/al4b
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....

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  (757): You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors.... http://tfl.nu/43xp
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  (619): View more from California

  Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich

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  (619): Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich http://tfl.nu/k8p8
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head

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  (847): You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head http://tfl.nu/hdz6
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight

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  (416): I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight http://tfl.nu/k1ij
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  did u get his digits?

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...

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  (570): did u get his digits? (201): yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone... http://tfl.nu/pvtx
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?

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  (847): Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine? http://tfl.nu/wblw
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse

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  (403): I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse http://tfl.nu/d3ev
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.

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  (416): I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of. http://tfl.nu/16vh
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.

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  (717): and on the fourth day, god made foam parties. http://tfl.nu/nmea
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.

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  (630): I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit. http://tfl.nu/afy7
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  (510): View more from California

  Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

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  (510): Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay http://tfl.nu/s2rn
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.

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  (541): I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on. http://tfl.nu/viag
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.

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  (734): Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual. http://tfl.nu/o9rr
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  (862): View more from New Jersey

  I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard

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  (862): I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard http://tfl.nu/ecro
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.

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  (603): Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk. http://tfl.nu/ivw8
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  (786): View more from Florida

  He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."

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  (786): He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets." http://tfl.nu/13ll
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"

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  (413): Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW" http://tfl.nu/hdte
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.

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  (616): On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey. http://tfl.nu/p3t0
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  (512): View more from Texas

  the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys

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  (512): the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys http://tfl.nu/w106
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.

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  (336): I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit. http://tfl.nu/udb7
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.

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  (256): He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front. http://tfl.nu/08qp
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  (509): View more from Washington

  Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.

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  (509): Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that. http://tfl.nu/jsxj
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.

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  (203): You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly. http://tfl.nu/n1s3
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  (+33): View more from France

  On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."

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  (+33): On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..." http://tfl.nu/o65f
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf

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  (978): i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf http://tfl.nu/hwzk
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?

  (815): View more from Illinois

  Quite the contrary. Sophistication.

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  (541): I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression? (815): Quite the contrary. Sophistication. http://tfl.nu/7jsx
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...

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  (803): Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together... http://tfl.nu/duna
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"

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  (608): you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?" http://tfl.nu/0sa8
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  (562): View more from California

  I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.

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  (562): I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex. http://tfl.nu/ik0l
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award

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  (336): i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award http://tfl.nu/t3kf
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  drunk tastebuds have low standards.

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  (423): drunk tastebuds have low standards. http://tfl.nu/mx1k
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something

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  (570): i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something http://tfl.nu/ax1a
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan

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  (815): Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan http://tfl.nu/827h
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.

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  (973): random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question. http://tfl.nu/ra0q
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.

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  (334): God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises. http://tfl.nu/xfua
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.

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  (647): Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts. http://tfl.nu/g67r
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.

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  (717): i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does. http://tfl.nu/p0z8
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  (813): View more from Florida

  We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.

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  (813): We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again. http://tfl.nu/6j6o
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.

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  (267): I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does. http://tfl.nu/0qfz
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?

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  (973): how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me? http://tfl.nu/anhw
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.

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  (803): Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear. http://tfl.nu/2r4l
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?

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  (651): I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl? http://tfl.nu/nlrb
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  (863): View more from Florida

  I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good

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  (863): I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good http://tfl.nu/hwo6
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.

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  (920): i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel. http://tfl.nu/bqxg
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.

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  (920): He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car. http://tfl.nu/srqw
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.

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  (219): She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over. http://tfl.nu/obg8
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.

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  (864): You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable. http://tfl.nu/afg8
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.

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  (304): I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk. http://tfl.nu/30xs
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old

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  (401): His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old http://tfl.nu/b9xq
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.

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  (248): She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot. http://tfl.nu/w0w1
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."

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  (859): I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny." http://tfl.nu/6v00
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  come over i need a lifeguard for my shower

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  (732): come over i need a lifeguard for my shower http://tfl.nu/1qns
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.

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  (413): So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge. http://tfl.nu/jdua
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.

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  (604): Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling. http://tfl.nu/zskd
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.

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  (303): It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence. http://tfl.nu/6jog
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer

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  (905): He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer http://tfl.nu/xvzr
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills

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  (617): everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills http://tfl.nu/tub1
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky

  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  like hot dogs and buns.

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  (609): i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky (267): like hot dogs and buns. http://tfl.nu/crsi
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  (562): View more from California

  the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...

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  (562): the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon... http://tfl.nu/do0i
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried

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  (440): Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried http://tfl.nu/9dr3
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?

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  (617): We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in? http://tfl.nu/ejnj
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks

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  (262): The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks http://tfl.nu/b2le
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.

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  (540): Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof. http://tfl.nu/2421
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  (352): View more from Florida

  I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.

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  (352): I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way. http://tfl.nu/qonl
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  (626): View more from California

  Dignity is for republicans.

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  (626): Dignity is for republicans. http://tfl.nu/vkse
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room

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  (864): i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room http://tfl.nu/jsw5
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  (310): View more from California

  can your parents tell?

  (310): View more from California

  i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know

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  (310): can your parents tell? (310): i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know http://tfl.nu/rda5
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.

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  (678): I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head. http://tfl.nu/4u7e
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.

  (614): View more from Ohio

  Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money

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  (317): Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina. (614): Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money http://tfl.nu/rx4e
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.

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  (613): Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors. http://tfl.nu/tkq1
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd

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  (301): I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd http://tfl.nu/xdaa
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.

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  (513): i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure. http://tfl.nu/ruyi
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  (214): View more from Texas

  She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca

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  (214): She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca http://tfl.nu/k60q
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  He managed to light the Jello on fire...

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  (251): He managed to light the Jello on fire... http://tfl.nu/tu7i
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  (207): View more from Maine

  Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.

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  (207): Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you. http://tfl.nu/tfuz
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.

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  (630): If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus. http://tfl.nu/iii0
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.

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  (502): She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor. http://tfl.nu/3ap9
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.

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  (519): I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle. http://tfl.nu/aifz
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.

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  (303): Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking. http://tfl.nu/3qfc
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk

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  (541): Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk http://tfl.nu/l5et
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.

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  (908): I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in. http://tfl.nu/z4b8
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.

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  (407): Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008. http://tfl.nu/vkb0
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.

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  (314): Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late. http://tfl.nu/bosu
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.

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  (610): I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs. http://tfl.nu/uj0s
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  (716): View more from New York

  I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount

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  (716): I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount http://tfl.nu/p3jz
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  (409): View more from Texas

  First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.

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  (409): First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance. http://tfl.nu/3lur
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?

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  (267): how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch? http://tfl.nu/7fe5
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  She tied me up with her honor cords...

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  (608): She tied me up with her honor cords... http://tfl.nu/y0v2
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many

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  (319): You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many http://tfl.nu/z652
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.

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  (215): i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system. http://tfl.nu/14j2
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.

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  (973): Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat. http://tfl.nu/ob9t
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  (904): View more from Florida

  And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool

  (386): View more from Florida

  It could be our claim to fame

  (904): View more from Florida

  Done. I'll pack a cooler.

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  (904): And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool (386): It could be our claim to fame (904): Done. I'll pack a cooler. http://tfl.nu/te4d
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  that would be two times in a week with two different guys.

  (913): View more from Kansas

  they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?

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  (816): that would be two times in a week with two different guys. (913): they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right? http://tfl.nu/b8ql
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.

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  (404): Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption. http://tfl.nu/47c6
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  (315): View more from New York

  Hello wreck, this is your train calling.

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  (315): Hello wreck, this is your train calling. http://tfl.nu/qxsk
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.

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  (309): Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins. http://tfl.nu/lj1p
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.

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  (604): 5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real. http://tfl.nu/vlat
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck

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  (540): he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck http://tfl.nu/km3p
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod

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  (859): i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod http://tfl.nu/ur38
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  (530): View more from California

  There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them

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  (530): There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them http://tfl.nu/te5k
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.

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  (937): There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich. http://tfl.nu/hmr5
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed

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  (708): sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed http://tfl.nu/38z7
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.

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  (804): finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets. http://tfl.nu/gp9t
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  (585): View more from New York

  She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.

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  (585): She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings. http://tfl.nu/pz3m
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  (904): View more from Florida

  I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox

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  (904): I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox http://tfl.nu/xijk
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle

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  (612): He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle http://tfl.nu/2q09
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.

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  (205): I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila. http://tfl.nu/1ja2
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.

  (708): View more from Illinois

  May it rest in peace.

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  (847): Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence. (708): May it rest in peace. http://tfl.nu/csj7
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  (518): View more from New York

  I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before

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  (518): I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before http://tfl.nu/9107
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".

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  (617): she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case". http://tfl.nu/rki3
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year

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  (517): this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year http://tfl.nu/tikr
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  (925): View more from California

  she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys

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  (925): she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys http://tfl.nu/nc2y
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  (206): View more from Washington

  He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look

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  (206): He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look http://tfl.nu/dski
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  (207): View more from Maine

  dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat

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  (207): dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat http://tfl.nu/ast4
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.

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  (404): I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious. http://tfl.nu/jbo1
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  (562): View more from California

  not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.

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  (562): not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it. http://tfl.nu/xhfr
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace

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  (413): My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace http://tfl.nu/tutd
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number

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  (248): Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number http://tfl.nu/nl2y
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  (281): View more from Texas

  I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...

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  (281): I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness... http://tfl.nu/ikgx
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories

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  (973): my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories http://tfl.nu/tcvk
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  (972): View more from Texas

  The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.

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  (972): The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup. http://tfl.nu/267r
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  (831): View more from California

  she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.

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  (831): she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it. http://tfl.nu/5c70
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  (845): View more from New York

  its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth

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  (845): its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth http://tfl.nu/7jau
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy

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  (303): his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy http://tfl.nu/u5b8
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.

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  (+44): You are the patron saint of my drinking problem. http://tfl.nu/rquk
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."

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  (480): Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions." http://tfl.nu/c9eh
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?

  (636): View more from Missouri

  our generation is not ready to get married

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  (314): Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"? (636): our generation is not ready to get married http://tfl.nu/klk9
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.

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  (417): I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL. http://tfl.nu/srh0
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood

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  (307): you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood http://tfl.nu/ts9e
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.

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  (847): No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv. http://tfl.nu/ej96
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  bring money and cleavage

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  (978): bring money and cleavage http://tfl.nu/w9ou
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  (707): View more from California

  My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."

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  (707): My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet." http://tfl.nu/s1m4
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  (727): View more from Florida

  how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?

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  (727): how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian? http://tfl.nu/oazh
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.

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  (803): She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient. http://tfl.nu/2q61
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  (585): View more from New York

  You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.

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  (585): You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you. http://tfl.nu/pv3c
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"

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  (248): It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland" http://tfl.nu/fgmr
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  (510): View more from California

  i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.

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  (510): i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter. http://tfl.nu/xztf
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.

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  (216): She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it. http://tfl.nu/064r
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.

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  (702): You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever. http://tfl.nu/mih5
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.

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  (501): recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree. http://tfl.nu/wbc5
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  Operation Purity has been aborted

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  (306): Operation Purity has been aborted http://tfl.nu/jf4h
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.

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  (204): they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control. http://tfl.nu/p5nx
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  (408): View more from California

  you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"

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  (408): you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later" http://tfl.nu/6byl
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  (234): View more from Ohio

  if we break up, who will get the dealer?

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  (234): if we break up, who will get the dealer? http://tfl.nu/k5oc
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes

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  (902): You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes http://tfl.nu/flaw
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.

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  (240): I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian. http://tfl.nu/grua
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach

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  (401): The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach http://tfl.nu/jjm1
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"

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  (216): i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey" http://tfl.nu/8m25
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.

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  (402): I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song. http://tfl.nu/3qmr
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."

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  (412): I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people." http://tfl.nu/j747
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.

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  (770): i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises. http://tfl.nu/q0zn
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket

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  (601): she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket http://tfl.nu/j6rw
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.

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  (814): All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles. http://tfl.nu/duc8
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  (281): View more from Texas

  Thanks for getting me home last night.

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.

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  (281): Thanks for getting me home last night. (832): No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa. http://tfl.nu/wftp
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka

  (479): View more from Arkansas

  I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once

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  (417): I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka (479): I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once http://tfl.nu/xq51
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.

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  (443): One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done. http://tfl.nu/o8ax
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

  (316): View more from Kansas

  Toaster

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  (319): On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you? (316): Toaster http://tfl.nu/fbwm
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug

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  (480): he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug http://tfl.nu/z2q2
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.

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  (604): I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you. http://tfl.nu/twb2
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom

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  (423): If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom http://tfl.nu/66s8
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover

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  (204): I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover http://tfl.nu/k1fy
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.

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  (847): Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels. http://tfl.nu/hv8u
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later

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  (715): We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later http://tfl.nu/4xtv
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  (862): View more from New Jersey

  found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"

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  (862): found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later" http://tfl.nu/lryz
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  (585): View more from New York

  you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated

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  (585): you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated http://tfl.nu/r9p5
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  (408): View more from California

  Maybe my heart is located in my vagina

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  (408): Maybe my heart is located in my vagina http://tfl.nu/huf2
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  (716): View more from New York

  as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.

  (1-716): View more from New York

  momma always taught us never to change for a boy..

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  (716): as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack. (1-716): momma always taught us never to change for a boy.. http://tfl.nu/3cjy
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way

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  (317): and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way http://tfl.nu/pn6a
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  (727): View more from Florida

  I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

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  (727): I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there? http://tfl.nu/2pix
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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  (401): Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.' http://tfl.nu/mde3
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  (206): View more from Washington

  He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...

  (1-206): View more from Washington

  He obviously understands you completely.

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  (206): He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes... (1-206): He obviously understands you completely. http://tfl.nu/r2fl
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  (506): View more from New Brunswick

  I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?

  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.

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  (506): I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer? (902): the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka. http://tfl.nu/rxlv
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.

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  (781): I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin. http://tfl.nu/37ur
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  (386): View more from Florida

  Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him

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  (386): Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him http://tfl.nu/2ppo
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  (339): View more from Massachusetts

  He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.

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  (339): He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning. http://tfl.nu/40hx
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.

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  (919): I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before. http://tfl.nu/gqc0
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  (209): View more from California

  Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."

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  (209): Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me." http://tfl.nu/89qv
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.

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  (214): I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now. http://tfl.nu/38zc
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend

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  (+44): I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend http://tfl.nu/iyod
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.

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  (919): i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me. http://tfl.nu/ilti
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  (432): View more from Texas

  He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"

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  (432): He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun" http://tfl.nu/hrdc
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.

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  (816): We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs. http://tfl.nu/qooi
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.

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  (586): I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business. http://tfl.nu/ppsa
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  I'm jealous of your bromance

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  (313): I'm jealous of your bromance http://tfl.nu/rtiu
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  (512): View more from Texas

  We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.

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  (512): We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment. http://tfl.nu/imr3
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...

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  (413): I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM... http://tfl.nu/mwn4
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  (845): View more from New York

  As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth

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  (845): As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth http://tfl.nu/7fqn
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  (714): View more from California

  Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful

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  (714): Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful http://tfl.nu/3flc
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.

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  (847): you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life. http://tfl.nu/71wd
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