Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
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why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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