ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
why would she put his p in her m after it was in her a? that's gross
its gross she let him put his p in her a nevermind his p in her m after p in her v. cleaning up is necessary
i put my m on your v after my p was in your v. no big deal
my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!
What does that mean?
How when the cu k dos I yet u
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
seriously i just wanna be friends
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
No he was cute and I said yes!
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
If i come over, it means nothing
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
All of them.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
The best revenge is premature balding
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
be there in ten.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved