If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
