Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Dating After Heartbreak
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
this will be a night to untag.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
The beer is more important than you right now.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own