her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
It's Friday. Sex?
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
