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I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I understand Curling. That high.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Your mouth is God's brothel.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I haven't been this sober since birth.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
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