You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Is it penis luge time yet?
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Pappa wants mamma naked
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I wanna bring you to show and tell
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I'm lost and stupid without you.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Houston, we have a squirter
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
You really coming over, don't trick.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I intend to get homeless drunk
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
What a fucking waste of an outfit
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.