Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
These Attractive Criminals Got Modeling Contracts After Getting Arrested
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Church boner. Awkwardddd
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
splinters make it hard to masturbate
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
You're right, stupid question.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
I told him it was alright.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
He had one of those small greek statue penises
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
In America we eat man semen.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way