I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
bring money and cleavage
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
You're right, stupid question.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.