btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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