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I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
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