and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
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