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We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
It's blow job season.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
My liver just had a heart attack.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I will be naked everywhere
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Mom said you looked used
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Found your dick twin last night
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
two words...techno handjob
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
The police scanner is talking about you again....
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
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