I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Randomize
