dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Define "chronic" masturbator.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
