I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Walk of Shame today included voting.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
two words: eviction party
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I just threw up on my dentist
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
P.S. I can't hear my feet
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
we're making bets on your personal life
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay