I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Operation Purity has been aborted
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
He passed out mid-signature
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
worst night to have a conscience
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
sarcasm needs its own font
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"